Hey there,

Fist let me say it is virtually impossible to predict or live in the future. It's not here yet. Mostly what happens when we try to live in a time and space that doesn't exist, is that we become anxious because we have no answers. It's important to try and focus on this very moment and for this very moment you are okay and have what you need and will have the alimony soon. A bout with cancer, I assume means that he isn't fighting it now. If my assumption is right I can't see why that would be a factor in them letting him go. As far as the cancer returning... again a future possibility that no one has the answers to. Mulling over that will just stress you out and some questions just simply have no answers.

I can't say whether a lump sum or alimony over time will be better for you, I guess that depends on your immediate needs and like you said what will ultimately yield you the most help in the long run. Others here who have had that option can chime in on how that worked for them. I wish I could speak on that , but since I was married to a true loser... we truly had nothing because it was constantly being lost due to his drinking and horrible choices. There were no options for me for a lump sum. I consider someone that even has that option, blessed.

Try to stay in the present moment as that's all there really is. The past is truly behind you and we cant revisit it to change anything and the future isn't here yet so it's impossible to exist there. Right now this moment as you read this is what you can deal with. There is a saying " If you are depressed, You are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present moment. Try not to worry about the what ifs. Try to remain focused on what you can do right now and what is happening right now. I understand just how hard that is to do. So much easier said than done.

If you are a believer I would pray for guidance and continued provision. God has worked some miracles in my life where provision is concerned. If not, just try to think positive and believe for positive outcomes. I wish I knew what else to say. I hope I helped even a little. None of this is easy. Hang in there. (((((hugs))))

Since this was my 2nd divorce to the same man...we were together for only 3 years...I went with a small payout rather than a small alimony. I knew that his job was already on the line and his attitude really stunk...chances were really good he would be in a position not to be able to afford that alimony....I was right...he was fired a year later and he still is unemployed 4 years later. Everyone's situation is different so its pretty hard to advise on what to do...however...I support following your gut 100%...it seldom steers you wrong...listen to what that inner voice says and go with it...Big Hugs...Kathy

I know we cannot predict the future but I believe you do need to weigh your pros and cons out. I would write down on paper exactly how much the lump sum would be and then figure out how long it would take you to get that sum if you waited for a check each month. Then I would ask myself if I planned to invest the lump sum wisely or pay off something like your house or what not.
You have a big decision to make and I think you are smart to ponder it before signing anything. Good luck with either decision you make.

That is a loaded decision. In hindsight, I wish I had fought for a lump sum, I feel like getting small payments is easier to run through. However, if you are in a situation where you need your monthly income to be supplemented in order to simply survive then either take the monthly or you will need to learn to ration your lump sum payout very carefully.

You can't count on the future, look at Kathy's story. Do what feels right and what you can truly live with

Thanks for your thoughts, ya'll. That's one of the hardest things about doing a settlement agreement. It's all about the future, and you don't really know what's coming. So, you have to plan for worst case scenario. When I met with my attorney last week, I kept saying, "Ok, that sounds like a good way to approach that but what could he do to keep that from happening?" "What could happen that might get in the way of that?"
It allowed us to explore the problems that come up and how to plan for that NOW.

I'm in such a different position at the moment. This settlement is all I've got for the future. I don't have family I could fall back on financially or live with if needed. I have not been able to find a job quite yet. I've got nothing. And yet, he makes a great salary with a good company, at the moment at least. He has plenty of family he could rely on financially or otherwise. He may have assets that he has hidden, in fact, I'm pretty sure of it, but have been advised not to go after it because of the cost. So, this settlement is it for me. That's why I don't think it's a good idea to leave anything to chance, you know?

Oops..such a difficult position, I meant to say.

In my state it is 1 year alimony for every 3 years married.

That said, I do agree with your concern that he could lose his job or retire. What does your attny say? I'm thinking I might go with the lump sum in your situation.

I have not been around.. but all this lump sum talk makes me crazy. IF you get alimony and you will, and it is 40,000 a year for 10 years, that is 400,000 lump sum. EVEN if he has it, for starters half of it was yours to begin with. I was 54 when we divorced, 6 years ago, and we did have that kind of cash invested, no judge says hey buddy cash in a lifetime of earnings and investments of you both, and hand it over.. that is why it is paid out over years. He is paying a debt to you, under a contract. IF you do have 400,000 or whatever amount is sitting around with no caveats to deal with, great!

Remember, you pay income tax on that alimony too, it is income. Another reason people do not do lump sums. Trish is the only person I know whose ex agreed to not "claim" the exemption on the alimony on his taxes and take the write off, so she does not have to pay! Show how stupid he was and his lawyer. Mine agreed for partial first year of divorce to not make me pay taxes, after that, I did and do.

Some spouses are responsible and do pay it. Mine has. No one can predict if he will live to any age or you either. IF he is insurable, you can ask for term life insurance to cover lets say the 40, 000 year for the terms of the alimony. I asked for it, and it is stepped down, meaning in year 10, when ends, I would only get what was left of the balance.. so in year 10, and lets use that 400,000, I would have got 9 years of alimony and then he drops dead, I get another 400,000. IF he loses his job, he could ask for temp change in payments. He will still owes me the money, the back alimony, and since he has assets that we split, and 401k, etc, he could catch up. He can not QUIT is job and not pay me.. my lawyer explained it as such.. you can not quit an go from a IT Executive to driving a cab.. you still owe the money.

Nothing is guaranteed in life, but in divorce some things are. One you do not get everything you ask for. You are making a deal. You do not get to not work or not be responsible for yourself and your life with hopefully alimony. You have to figure out what is important and what is not important in your settlements. None are exactly the same. Someone once said on here why did not I not get alimony? Because he nor she made enough to even debate it. We are all in this group older, and it does suck, but divorce means that he lives his life and you live yours. AND no there are no cost off living increases in divorce, at least not us middle class people.. my lawyer told me, he earns his income and pays his debt to you, his raises are his. I told someone here, how would it be if you went back to work and made 40,000 a year? Does he get to then take you back to court and say, hey you raised your standard of living, I want to petition the court to stop, modify the alimony. IT is non modifiable , it will be in the decree. KGK Trish and I are all old timers, me long long timer on here.. it is in all 3 of ours. IF you can get it, fine, but most state laws are written that is a no!

And last but not least. You can not wear two seat belts in divorce. You can plan, or work it all out and you should. Some of us here have gone on thrived. It was work, but I am no victim, and that title, looks good on no one. You have daughters, you have family, take stock of what you do have, not what you do not or will not. My friend said to me, and I have no one, no kids etc, married 28 years and divorced at 54, you have financial assets and you have personal assets, you are smart resourceful and in my case not working a few years, I do have a degree, but most of all you have yourself. YOU do not need him. He was never my whole life, and if he was to some of you, well he is gone. The recession started in 08, about a half hour after I got out of court house with a divorce decree. It is not easy, but you will survive. Pick yourself up, be a grownup and look at what you have, not what you do not. No one ever died from getting divorced, I have said that for years here, and it is true. IT feels like you might.. and from my friend and therapist, "Now is not Forever".

True, he cannot QUIT his job, that is, he can not formally resign.

Stbx can get himself released either by unsatisfactorily failing to perform his duties or his company has phased out his current position [due to budget cuts] . Any employment company that might fraudulently fire a person due to age and health is looking for a discrimination law suit.

Disability can be temporary ordered via doctor for a duration after any surgery for example. An employment company is required to either place the individual elsewhere performing a different job position all together [call it swap ] or accommodate the present position modified with defined limitations.

Since H has already been dx with colon cancer and intervened / treated a few years back, doctors will follow-up periodically every 3-6 months to test for any recurrences. This lets me know for now, stbx has been discharged from immediate doctor/hospital care to be at home and to go back to work. Your H is well over 2 years, is ambulatory and able to function using mental tasks for employment.

PS: You've already stated "He cannot function without some form of deception as a part." Which says his debt to you IS likely GOING to be a problem. It's not SOME men might be able, but THIS man has a high risk of contempt of not being motivated to keep his obligations. IF equates to ZERO in reality. Ever watch TV show SHARK TANK. These investors are astutely concerned [just like a banker] whether they are ABLE TO GET their returns back period, basically determines whether they will invest !

Sure, you'll pay lump sum as income tax. An option available for your tax return is to spread it over 4-5 year period at your tax bracket [the lowest tax bracket is the best advantage.] You can INVEST your lump sum for a return equivalent to what you MIGHT receive throughout the ten years from your Iffy stbx with least headaches or dropping dead. Talk your lawyer the options.

I did not read through all these responses, but you should make sure he has life insurance with you as beneficiary enough to cover the amount of alimony. When you turn 65 - if you have been married for more than 10 years I think you can start collecting his social security. (not 100% sure about that). But do the insurance.

I agree with the life insurance...I hold a policy for my ex. If something happens to him I get a large payout...but...I pay the premiums and he has no control over it...Big Hugs...Kathy

I have been away for the last 2 weeks and am only now playing catch up.

What MsTerey said is all correct. I can add to that IF your financial settlement agreement is written properly, it will be a legally binding standalone agreement that cannot be modified or rescinded by any court of law. In other words, if he agrees to pay you X amount of alimony for X amount of years, it doesn't matter if he quits or loses his job or just doesn't feel like paying it anymore -- the court will back you up! Others mentioned taking out a life insurance policy to guarantee that you would get the whole amount should your X die in the interim. In Maryland (where I am from) that's very hard to get. My agreement said if he kicks the bucket, the alimony stops. My attorney and I would have sued his estate before he was cold but he paid in full every month for the entire 6 years and was only two days late once.

Alimony is taxable income to you, but if you are smart, your tax profile will be low post-divorce. Talk to your accountant or a certified financial planner about this. You will presumably be paying for your own health insurance coverage after the divorce and THAT is all TAX DEDUCTIBLE, too.

I negotiated a 65/35 split of the cash and assets AND a nice amount of alimony for 6 years. The stock market has been a rollercoaster, but I'm on firm footing thanks to my financial advisor. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish my dear. And hang tough! This is the most important business deal you will ever make,.

Oh, and when you turn 65 (or 66) you can start to collect Social Security. If you never worked outside the home, you are entitled to an amount equal to HALF of what your X would get. It does not decrease the amount he will collect. This is federal law applicable to anyone who has been married 10 years or more. And IF he should die before you, I believe the amount you can get is 75% of what he would have. Only caveat is that you can't remarry.

Some great advice here.....CGK is right, this is the most important business deal you'll make!

Many have said that it's a personal decision with many variables re: alimony vs lump sum pay out, but my lawyer really nudged more towards taking a lump sum payment. It's just a relief knowing that you are NOT depending on him, or hoping that his circumstances don't change.....crazy things happen in this economy! Long term employees are let go, maybe he won't find another job, maybe he'll get ill......

In Canada, we're not taxed on the lump sum payment so that was another benefit to me. AND I'm finished with him. Completely. I don't have to see a monthly transfer coming from his account....nothing. I'm just grateful that I insisted that he pay our boys a monthly amount while they're in post-secondary....and I bet even THAT burns his but!

Like your social security, I will also get half of his federal "CPP" pension 'credits' for the years that we were married and I didn't work...and I'm sure that will add up by the time I retire! I haven't done the paper work yet (there's no time limit on getting this done so have taken my time) and bet he thinks I don't know about this 'benefit' so it gives me pleasure to think that he may think he got away with this...until he gets a notice from the feds!

Weigh all your options...you'll do what's best for you!

Thanks for your replies guys. I really appreciate your experience and your wisdom.

My gut says lump sum for exactly the reasons iammine said above. It ends my financial relationship with him which is the reason I'm leaving him in the first place. There is something to be said for peace of mind and lump sum would be closure for me.

I returned the agreement to my attorney yesterday and she said she'd get it to his attorney by the end of the day. Today has been very quiet but nerve-wracking for me as I wondered ALL DAMN DAY what their response will be. Knowing my stbx, he will review it with a fine-toothed comb, rewording and rewriting all of it with the intention to confuse us, twisting and turning the facts so that it will sound like they are going along with it but in actuality, they will be the ones to benefit. This is how he operates. Kind of sick really. My first attorney could not believe how they tried to twist and turn things around to fool us. She said she'd never seen anything like it and she had been practicing for almost 30 years. So, I guess I just wait. Trying to push ahead with finding a job and a new place to live.