Hugs, my friend. You are being too hard on yourself. Be gentle. You are not the only one. At least you jumped right back into the dating game. I am still on the side line. Thinking the same as you. I love my "me time". I have learned to love myself. Learned that I am a smart, capable and resourceful woman. We have always put ourselves on the back burner, way back too. Now it is our time. If something does not feel right, then it is not. Listen to that woman intuition, it will not fail us.

1) please know that whin I say "you" i mean a person/any person

it comes down to not being able to "know"
by that i mean that you can only predict what you may do or how you'll react / respond to any major situation... when the sh_t hits the fan is when you really find out who you are

since you can't "know", you can know whether you can trust yourself, you may be still hurting and not able to see that you can trust yourself, until you can, you have no reason to consider truly trusting someone else

it is important to not beat yourself up over where you are in trusting yourself, when life throws major shitstorms, it knocks us off kilter, there is no correct time schedule that one should be recovered from a major shitstorm.

that acceptance of not tryoing to meet a certain "correct" healin schedule helped me a lot.
once i decided to let it take as long as it takes / took for me it took some pressure off, becaise i didn't beat myself up for not being "on time"

Cmonge, you are most likely much better than you think you are, and much further along, don't keep score, just let yourself feel the sun when it shines, in the way that it shines for you at the moment

Dont worry about this. I did the exact same thing! I dismissed guys for the stupidest reasons. He was too short..he was too heavy..he didnt like biking...he played golf...I actually dismissed one guy because he had a french accent. Everytime I went to meet a new fellow I felt like a lamb going to slaughter. Then one day..I met a fellow I could not dismiss and everything changed. I remember thinking...yay...my heart does still work! Dont give up! Its so true when THEY say...you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Sorry...I sent send accidentally. Everyone heals at their own time. I am among the slowest. For me its been 8 years. However...now in hind sight..for me...I had to put my past relationship completely to bed...I can actually remember when it happened...it was more than a light bulb moment...it was more like a attitudinal shift. Its something I could not comprehend until experiencing it. I read about it but until I felt it...I wandered and felt there was something wrong with me. Hang in there Cmong...you will get there too! Just keep putting yourself out there!

Heck, when your hurt as deeply as we were, your afraid to let someone else in. Who could blame you? When your ready, you will.

sorry for the delayed response. I have been doing pretty good this past year so haven't been on here as much. Guess that is a good thing. I have been thinking along the same line as your post so instead of making my own post, going to tag onto yours.

I have been on this journey for 3 1/2 years divorced 2 1/2 years. I have dated a couple of really nice men but I just wasn't ready. I didn't really find fault in them but I did compare them to my ex and little by little I closed off my heart and ended both relationships. My fear is that I will continue to do this next time I try and date. I haven't dated in over a year and actually do like my alone time....now. The older I get, the more set in my ways I get, will this hurt any chance of another relationship? I really want to be married again, I loved being a wife........my family keeps me busy but I do miss the attention of a man.

There is a man in my neighborhood who just lost his wife. I admit I was interested him as soon as I met him, (he moved here 2 years ago) but knowing he was married knew he was off limits, but still I did watch him with his wife and couldn't help but wonder about him, about them. I tend to watch couples and wonder how they make it work, I guess that's normal for us single folk, maybe??? So now that he is single, I can't help but think about the possibilities of dating him, down the road. We've had a few conversations since his wife's passing, he says he wants to know my story and seems interested. Before I get the "it's too soon for him to date" spill from everyone, trust me, I get that but I also now know more about his wife and their marriage so I know he's in an ok place with her passing (she was mentally ill, I didn't know that) But having been a poor picker of men, my goal this time around is to not pursue, to let him make the first move, to watch for red flags and allow nature to take its course.

So, as I think about him, or any man for that matter, the fear and worry start up again. Why would I want to be with another man when a piece--ok, a good chunk of my heart still belongs to my ex. Why can't I just let that go and open up again? Will I ever be able to? I'm not sure how to get past that. I've been no contact with my ex for over a year so I was hoping that would finally heal my heart. There is nothing to hold on to. He left, he is living his life, why can't I?

Yougospam. I feel paralyzed. I get lonely and miss having a companion. Like you, I loved being married, but have now gotten used to my single life in some ways. Some parts of it are preferable, but deep down I fear being alone forever. I want someone to take care of me or worry about me if I am sick. I want someone to cook with and eat with. A regular date to weddings. Some physical relationship! The guy I originally wrote this about still pursues me and I don't know why I can't accept him. and just go with it! Instead I met someone else online and now I've seen him 4 times and told guy number one that we should just be friends. Neither one is perfect but if I don't take a plunge and let myself try to commit I never will.. I read an analogy that the longer one waits for the perfect fruit the more likely it is that all the fruit will rot and die, or be picked by someone else!
That damn elusive "spark" might be a mythical thing at this age! Maybe it's all in the movies.
I think you are doing the right thing in staying available yet allowing your neighbor to make a move first. However, make sure he knows you are interested. Let me know what happens.

I have not ventured into the dating world yet so I have not yet had to deal with these issues. It sounds like you are handling it as expected given the past history of divorce. I believe when the right person comes along you will know it and things will fall into place. I hope that elusive "spark" is not a mythical thing because if/when I do start dating or get into a new relationship, I definitely want a spark!!! The longer I am living alone, I am getting set in my ways. I don't want to live single the rest of my life, but I'm not sure I am ready to open my heart and change my ways for another person. As yogospam said in her post, my heart is still somewhat connected to my ex. We have minimal (almost none) contact, but I still think about him a lot and miss the life we had together. As much as I try, I am having a hard time fully letting go. Not sure why. I wouldn't mind going out on dates for fun, but I don't think I am ready to truly open my heart to another man. Cmonge, try not to analyze it too much...try to enjoy each dating experience and see where it leads.