Dear goldengir

I am new here and since I am little under the weather myself , I don't know if I qualify to give you words of comfort.
But I want you to know that your words called my attention. I don't know where you are, but it's 5:30pm where I am.That means the day is almost over. So hang in there.Meanwhile, consider yourself hugged so hard that you might say"enough already!":-)

Welcome, Lone Dove. And thank you for the support and the hug! Rather than "enough already," I think I'd be needing, "More, please" at the moment. Maybe it's because unless you've actually gone through a divorce, you just don't know how HARD and LONELY and ROUGH it can be. In fact, one day I had the urge to say on my FB page, "If you know anyone going through a divorce, call them and take 'em to dinner. Or see if they want to go for a walk. Or just talk." They'll appreciate it more than you'll ever know." I didn't post that but I might. For the most part, the friends who are standing by me now are those who have been through divorces or have someone in their family who has been. They just "know."

You are 100% right they don't know what it's like at all. They probably felt sorry for you when they heard, but then life gets busy and they move on

I had no idea how hard this was. I used to look at friends who a year into divorce were still sad and think suck it up move on.

I had no real clue that it takes years to move on

That being said now when friends divorce I will ask you how your doing but only if you are reasonable in your answers

Tell me about you how you feel not what a jackass your ex is.

I never said a bad word about the father of my children to anyone other than therapist and my best friend.

I will listen to your money woes but not to how your ex is doing abc

No one ever asked or inquired about my divorce or related situations, feelings, or anything. No one person. It made me feel so unloved and ignored. More so because some of the people where one’s I clearly cared about and this is what I got in return. I did bring up my divorce and such lightly to a few, but always got a subject changed so fast that I gave up on wanting to even try to share with them about anything. Maybe it was that they didn’t know how to handle it. Maybe they where afraid to say something that could make it worst. Maybe this and maybe that, but it made me feel horrible.

I ended up in different divorce recover groups and classes from church and community resources. That helped alot and gave me the connection I needed to help my release and healing. Maybe this is something you can check into for yourself? Hope things get better.

Chris my therapist told me you should only talk to one friend and your counsellor or support groups.

She said no one wants to hear or know bout it

I thought she was nuts but it was true

Momto22001, I totally agree with your therapist. Mine told me the same thing and to a degree, she was right. But mine also asked me what planet I was from and I told her. She suggested another therapist at a local state hospital, lol ( joking of course )

Good points, mom.

It's hard to know sometimes how to act around people now that your marital status has changed. If you're too positive and happy, you seem insensitive to the difficulties of divorce. If you're too sad, you bring everyone around you down. I try to be honest but temper what I say so I don't drag others into my problems. I think anyone who hears that you're going through a divorce automatically thinks the worst. An old hs friend of mine friended me on FB and said she'd heard I was "going through a nasty divorce." Huh? I never said that to anyone. I'm not! I asked her who told her that and she "couldn't remember." Geez. I guess I need to just keep on being me, being honest, but be understanding of other's not knowing what to say or what to ask.

Golden,
I relate to your post completely. It is amazing how others..friends, family, can just walk away as if you don't exist, were never close. I just can't wrap my head around it. Friends that I was there for over & over again. What does it take to say or even text, hi, I thought of you. Instead silence, as if you don't even exist, never mind the pain you are in. It does make one wonder if others even care.

Another thing I have run into is the wives! Girls who were my friends before but now, I am THREAT and don't deserve the time of day! Have ya'll encountered that?

YUP!

It hurts. There is a change that occurs when you're divorced. I didn't understand it before I was divorced. So I suppose others just don't realize what kind of support we need. Perhaps they can't allow themselves to feel for us because of what is going on in their own lives.

Being ignored was shocking to me. Especially my church friends. I talk it out with my counselor and accept that these are not my friends, safe real friends.

You will find out who your real friends are.

Hugs

I hear you, Ja. It is a most painful way to find out who your real friends are. But it's important to learn that moving forward I suppose. Sometimes, I wonder if the ones who aren't reaching out are struggling with their own marriages and are afraid to be close to someone who is actually doing what they might be considering for fear that they might actually go through with it. Does that make sense? It takes such courage to end a longterm marriage. I am seeing that people sometimes stay in longterm marriages because they are afraid of being alone. Afraid of the financial consequences. Afraid of what will become of them. I do understand that fear. I went through it.

Mom to, I also underestimated the pain of divorce before I went through it. It's because work friends would put on a happy face and get through the day. I h ad no idea that behind the scenes was agony. I found out when a close friend went through it. And shortly afterwards, I did too. Now I always try to reach out and inquire, and let people know that I am there to support them, to listen, to go out for a drink or dinner, to share a laugh. But, the reality is that unless you've been through it, you can be clueless.

And yes, I have also experienced the friends who are now afraid you'll steal their man. Good lord! What kind of trust do they have in us - just because we are single we'd betray them??? ugh. insecure.

Kudos to you, cmonge, for reaching out to those who are going through this. The value of emotional support for anyone going through this process is quite underestimated in my opinion. I live in a fairly small town and there are only two Divorce Care groups for the hundreds of divorces that are under way at any given time. One of my best friends here is someone who went through a divorce 10 years ago and just reached out to me one day and said she was there for me if I needed her. Meant the world to me than and now. I had no idea at the time how valuable(and needed!)she would be.