I was much like you but maybe a little too trusting. There is not much I want to change other than not taking things as they seem on the surface. Since I left home and married the ex I've lived a fairly quiet life. There are some things I do work on in my life. I trust less and look for the motives in other people but part of that is the town I live in. Everyone has a motive, a reason for making friends if they have horses and live in this town.

I'm not as quick to offer help because I find myself getting used. I need to toughen up a bit as far as being the owner of this farm. I like me too and the life I have. I love the sunrises that wake me every morning and the sunsets at my kitchen window.

I know this wasn't very helpful but I don't understand how I need to change either.

the advice to find yourself is bullshit

" I'm boring! I like to read, watch TV, spend time with my family, walk through the woods (in the right circumstances) and watch funny movies and comedians." and you are a principled person with a moral compass and conscience

I'd say you are pretty dam interesting and significant AND very much not shallow!!!

I'd be bummed out to hear of someone like you changing, the world would lose a genuine person and there is not a whole lot of you guys around as it

Like Trisha9054, I was much like you as well. I was shocked to the core when my x had an affair. I did realize that in the last 2 years before he left, everything changed for the worse. However, after he left, I was so devastated and could hardly function. I couldn't imagine how he could leave as I've always thought of myself as kind and loving, etc.

I think what people mean when they say you will become a better you is that after our spouses leave, and you start the grieving process and question what in the world happened, you'll start to realize that what you thought was truth, isn't? I was living in a dream world to survive. And while I was grieving and re-evaluating my life, I realized that I had become quite codependent to keep the peace. And I realized while I was trying to keep my marriage together, I had changed.. I wasn't the person I had been or even thought I was. I had made so many personal adjustments.

I thought I knew who I was as well. I loved to read, scrapbook, loved my family, had a great job, had great friends, but I was living a lie. I still am all those things, but I wasn't making myself and my joy the priority. I was sacrificing everything that I wanted of felt I deserved for others.

So, maybe you are who you think you are. Because they cheat and leave doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. But there is always a lesson in what we experience.

I would love to hear how you are coping with your stbx leaving? Are you struggling to breathe or are you able to handle the change in your life.

This was a great post. I hope others chime in.

"Spend this time finding out who you are and become a better you."

I really like what caligirl wrote about finding out who we are and look at what the circumstances were that led to the breakup. I changed or repressed a lot of who I am so that I could mesh with my dominant stbx. I became codependent and lacked boundaries because they were so threatening to my stbx and our marriage.

Using the time in the aftermath of our breakup to dig up what I buried and figure out how I want to live my life now is the challenge. Not becoming "better." Not taking the blame for his actions. He made choices, and so did I. Nothing is clear cut. We play a part, but an affair is a betrayal and cowardly way to deal with relationship problems. In my opinion, if he had faced it head on, instead of running into someone else's arms, you both might have had a chance at salvaging the relationship. This is not your fault. In my marriage, my stbx couldn't allow me to grow or change in ways that were healthy for me, because he wanted me to stay in an addiction with him. My stbx couldn't face any wrinkles in our relationship either. He hid in and defended the bottle.

Anyway, look at how you spend your time, how you used to spend your time, and think about what you would do if you cleared the slate and started over completely. What if you did only exactly what you want, even if that means being with new people or by yourself to do so?

These are all questions I'm contemplating now. But not how to be better. That just hurts self esteem. Boring? Puh-lease. We are already awesome. Here's a quote I read often, "RELAX. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough."

For you the "me" is fine. If I were you I would start to go out and have some fun.

My experience was similar to caligirl...I went to the ends of the earth to be who and what I thought he wanted me to be...it seemed being me just wasnt good enough for him...in the process I lost myself and everything I thought I stood for. My ex divorced me twice...I couldnt help but think I must have been a horrible person...I believed that who I thought I was was a fantasy and the reality was quite different.

What I learned through my healing process is...I could not take on his shit and it was not up to me to fix him...I could only fix myself. All said and done...his constant criticism and disapproval of me was a reflection of himself not me. That's not to say I didnt have issues...I did...but I was not the horrible person he lead me to believe. I did everything with love in my heart and intentions good...I made mistakes but corrected them as best I could. I worked very hard at healing my heart and soul and I am happy to say it payed off. At the end of the day...I really am not that different than what I was when I was with my ex. I rediscovered who I am and I feel good about who I have become even though Im not really that different. I guess what I'm trying to say is...during all of this heart ache I remained true to myself and I continue to.

So...when I say take the time to find yourself...what I am actually meaning is...peel away all the hurt, all the self misconceptions and get back to who you really are even if there is not much change. The secret to living peacefully and with love in your heart is to live authentically and with purpose. To feel comfortable in your own skin regardless of your past and to know you did your best at what ever you did...Big Hugs...Kathy

Honey, I turned myself into someone that was a total stranger to me. Afraid of my own shadow. I was told to grow up and start acting like an adult. Slowly, but surely, I started trusting myself again and really changed how I saw myself. Now I am happy, content and my self-confidence is really strong. You do what is right for you, not what people think is right. My usual answer to those people, That is nice. Then I will take that and file it under I do not care file. People have a tendency to stick their noses in other people's business.

You are correct. Searching for the "Better Me" might make the assumption you are somehow flawed, but you already know that. I agree, it's not you who needs fixing !

In general, it is an expression met for one to find ways to repair/mend/fix/restore any sense of their "brokenness" from divorce. Besides, who buys the idea good healthy lifestyle is "boring" ? I suppose an adrenaline junky seeking extreme risky trills might otherwise think so.

...but you already know that [you are not flawed].

Thank you everyone. I appreciate everything that was written.