Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Ok, here's No. 2 on the list from that article about Getting Over Past Loves. Comments, please!
PURGE THE MERGE-URGE
Subliminally, people in love promise they will meet all of each other’s needs while having none of their own. (Like mommy did!) Listen to the language of lovers and you will hear the echoes of that infantile bliss: “Baby, Sweetie, Honey, Darling.” We long for the feeling of fullness again, of merged egos. Getting free means understanding that the completeness you felt with your past love echoed a memory from infancy. It was an illusion and temporary and in reality it was not love.
Had the relationship continued, you would have seen boundaries snap back in place with the inevitable reestablishment of reality. No one would have made you feel that high forever.
PURGE THE MERGE-URGE
Subliminally, people in love promise they will meet all of each other’s needs while having none of their own. (Like mommy did!) Listen to the language of lovers and you will hear the echoes of that infantile bliss: “Baby, Sweetie, Honey, Darling.” We long for the feeling of fullness again, of merged egos. Getting free means understanding that the completeness you felt with your past love echoed a memory from infancy. It was an illusion and temporary and in reality it was not love.
Had the relationship continued, you would have seen boundaries snap back in place with the inevitable reestablishment of reality. No one would have made you feel that high forever.
Thanks for posting Kathi!
That is one of those things that gives me a twinge of negative thoughts. His Mom was saying that maybe if the OW can bring him back to the church, there is something good about the relationship. OK, just have to throw up a little after that one. Really? What do you think my sons think of that? It was great to sacrifice our family as long as he can go to the same church as his Mom.
I can see the urge to merge come into play when you divorce after 20 or so more years of being married though. It is an adjustment for sure. Just not any likely players in my neck of the woods or mountains.
My X even said to me once, "I don't need a mother." He may have been taking things out on me that he wouldn't dare do or say to her because she is conditional and punitive. I think there were mommy issues at work in him.
As for me, I wanted a marriage that would heal my wounds from childhood, make all that suffering make sense. Like paying your dues. Didn't work out. Now I know better.
My ex was into the mommy thing a bit, but more so he wanted a "normal" housewife...well, that's not me. I worked two or three jobs the entire marriage and would have just as easily hired a housekeeper than done it myself. I hate to cook, but I can do it. I'd rather be out doing things for the family and with the family than having to handle the mundane tasks of housework and cooking LOL. Don't get me wrong, I do those things, I do them well, I just don't enjoy them. My ex was the proverbial wanted a barefoot pregnant wife in the kitchen that baked everyday and EWWWW.. I have a wonderful bakery that I use LOL. Who cares. He did.
Early in our relationship, we were in that 'in love' place where no one else existed and we did take care of each other. I think "the inevitable reestablishment of reality" happened for him within a year of our wedding and it didn't happen for me until the last years of our 39year marriage. Slow learner :)