Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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lostwh 09/09/2015

I feel like I'm trapped! my oldest son is 24 and has two daughters one with his ex, she found out she was pregnant when they were seniors in high school. He also has a 9 month old daughter with his girlfriend. His ex joined the navy a month after the divorce and give him custody of my grandaughter.He then moved in with my ex and I and stayed with me for a year after my ex moved out with the om. he met his girlfriend while he was living with me and she found out she was pregnant, her parents kicked her out of the house and she had nowhere to go so I felt I had to let her move in with us for the sake of the baby. They found a place of their own and moved out after several months.
I have had to pay for his divorce from his wife and I had to give him a car for his girlfriend,because her parents took hers away. I have to loan him money every month, which I never get back. I'm just emotionally and financially drained because of his irresponsibility. I feel like I have to help him so I can make sure my grandaughters have everything they need,but it's to the point that I just can't do it anymore. He has a good job that pays good and gets a little child support. He just seems to blow his money.
I've tried to tell him to make a budget and he always says he has one made and that he's fine,but then he always has to borrow more money.
I would like to sell my house and buy something smaller,but I feel like I have to keep it in case he can't pay rent or his girlfriend leaves.
My other two sons are very responsible and seldom need anything, the youngest lives with me but works and goes to college. I don't know where I went wrong with my oldest but it seems he refuses to grow up. My ex is no help with any of this, I've tried talking to her about it and she just says she can't help and doesn't know what to do.
I know this is a long post and not about divorce, I'm just hoping that someone has some wisdom to share or experience about this.

lostwh 09/09/2015

This is one of those post, that you wish you hadn't posted. I should have just put this in my journal. I guess I was just venting.

momto22001 09/09/2015

Ahh we all have moment like this.

(((HUGS))) you needed to vent and that's what were here for.

jljlost 09/09/2015

We bring up our kids the same but they turn out so different! I used tough love on one of my daughters, but having grandchildren makes a difference.
I feel for you.
Take care and a big hug!

MNMama 09/09/2015

Sorry for the trouble you're having. Agree, feel free to vent.

trisha9054 09/09/2015

Please don't take what I write the wrong way. I feel for the position you are in right now. You have several choices. You can continue the way you are now and support them forever at the expense of your future life. Cutting out things that would make your life easier. You can sit the son and GF down and help them make a budget. You can put a stop to this and let them learn the hard way. But tell them you will provide for the children just not them. Sometimes those lessons learned from experience are the ones that are needed.

I have a daughter that I helped but she never appreciated the help I could give. My oldest had a life threatening wreck in MS. I spent two months there and only came home once to get my truck and try to make a birthday for my youngest. I brought her to my state and had her scheduled for rehab. We went to the appt and all she would say is I want to go back to MS. I had to tell her to find someone to come get her if she was refusing our help. She visits sometimes and I've had to ask her to leave a few times. She is finally learning to quit yelling and cussing me.

Your son or the GF needs to use some form of birth control or you may be supporting more of his children. I know how hard this is for you and I'm sorry your son is doing this to you. Tough love is so hard to do.

angelundercover80 09/09/2015

You didn't go wrong but you are doing the wrong thing now. Its sink or swim time, cut the apron strings. They will keep doing it as long as you allow him. My daughter pulled that one on me told me once you a mom you a mom for life. Excuse me ?? Your an adult now not paying for your choices. Now they are all very responsible and good people. Hard to make that transition for kids and parents. You take care of them for 18 year or more. My job as a parent is to see them fly from the nest and make their own way.

CowgirlKathi 09/09/2015

I'm pretty much of the same mind as Trisha9054. Had I come to the rescue every time my grown daughter got herself into financial trouble from age 22 until now, I would be living in a cardboard box somewhere! While I would never let my grandkids go without something they really needed, I long ago refused to subsidize her and the deadbeat she married. Amazingly enough, once I cut off the supply of cash, they pulled it together.

Hang tough! Tough love works!

lostwh 09/09/2015

Thank you all for the advice. I'm going to tell my son that I can no longer help, unless it is something the grandkids need. I will have to hope and pray they pull it together.
Trish....Thank god she is on birth control! I even offer to pay to have my son fixsd.Lol

It is hard when the Gradkids are involved,but I will make it.

KRKing911 09/10/2015

I agree with everyone else - you didn't HAVE to do any of that. Stop right now and simply say no. Try staying away for a while. You have to think of your own financial future. They have more time than you do to figure things out.

cmonge 09/10/2015

You did not "go wrong" with him. People are all very different, even children from the same two parents. My own two are different as night and day. My son is a constant worry for me right now too. He is the most likeable, sweet person you could ever meet and smart as a whip, but completely unorganized, and now drinking way too much - putting his excellent job in jeopardy. He's 23 but I worry about him as if he was still 16. UGH!!

I wish I had a magic bullet for you, but does he have attention problems that make it difficult for him to stay organized or focused on spending wisely? I am sorry you are going through this as I know how much you love them and care about their well-being. Is it time for sink or swim? Maybe...Good luck! and hugs!!

dairytech 09/10/2015

I too agree with the others. Sometimes our help is actually enabling the behavior we wish changed. All our kids need a helping hand from time to time but it sounds like your son is taking advantage. I looked after both my kids as adults...my daughter for a year and my son for 2. Both kids were given time limits and once they moved back out...that was it...no return...time to stand on your own 2 feet time. My son struggled a bit more than my daughter but he's doing really well now...he found his sea legs. The deal is...I have 3 years free rent..collectively...where I can park my RV during retirement...lol...we all laugh about it...little do they know I'm serious.

Its tough enough getting tough with our adult children...I cant imagine adding small grandchildren to the mix. My heart goes out to you. Having 2 small children at the age of 24 sounds like kids having kids. There is no way my son was ready to raise children at 24. He's now 28 and in a totally different place of responsibility.

Good luck with this lostwh...your between a rock and a hard place with this..Big Hugs...Kathy

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