Wiseman,
I think that it is recommended to wait at least 2 years according to most books, my support groups and therapist. At first, I wanted to run out and grab the first man to replace my husband because I was terrified and felt panic about being alone. I did not feel like I deserved to be considered of any value unless I had a husband. I even asked my daughter if she considered me to be less important. She said I was being ridiculous.

I continued to feel like a second-class citizen because the only I have known is being a wife for 34 years. He was my first real boyfriend. Now I don't want to date because I know I am not ready at all. I would just cry the entire date. Not really someone's idea of having fun :) I am working on myself and learning how to be independent and I will not date until I feel that I don't need to. I will wait until I feel I could take it or leave it. I have to make friends first and be comfortable with myself being single first.

I know that sometimes I don't feel that strong-minded but intellectually I know the above to be true. When people used to write that on this forum or discuss it in my groups and therapy sessions I would think they were just saying those things but would date if they met someone they liked. I felt EVERYONE had to want to date and have a relationship because that was what I felt. Of course I now see it differently and I probably will date in the future if I met someone very kind and sincere but I can't focus on that now - I have so much healing to do first.

I think you will know when it is time for you - my own personal philosophy is "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." Then one day it will just feel like the right time. Works for me in all areas of my life.

Best wishes,
Donna

Thanks Donna

Do you have kids? I do, wife and I are not officially divorced, we are in same house still doing the legal crap, for 9 months that the kids know about.
2) I'm not ready to consider dating
1) wouldn't matter, until the divorce is official and then for some time period after, I think it would mess with my kids head if it seemed too soon to them

I have been divorced for 5 years now. Shortly after this 2nd divorce ( divorced twice to the same man...not my choice )...I met a wonderful man and we dated for 11/2 years. As that time wore on I realized I was trying to re-create my past relationship with my ex...totally not fair to this wonderful fellow. Since he too was divorced for the 2nd time to the same women (not his choice) we had that in common and he too was trying to re-create his past relationship with his wife. When we realized what we were doing we called it off and parted as good friends. Since that relationship ended I've dated a few fellows...these did not fair well. I recognized my picker was broken and I was dating for the wrong reasons. I am now not dating again until I am firmly planted in my new world and am comfortable with just me....I am doing really well. I think everyone has their own timetable...I'm finding that old saying...it takes 1 year of healing for every 5 years married to hold true. The important thing is...you feel whole and do not put old expectations onto a new relationship..just my thoughts...Big Hugs...Kathy

I would just like to say...I think readiness to date has a direct reflection to the level of trauma and devastation of the divorce...the less the trauma the easier to move on...again just my thoughts...Big Hugs...Kathy

Thanks everyone. I do have children ages 19 & 15.
I'm talking about friendship dating. Nothing
Serious. Dinner. Ball Game. Movie. Social event.

It took 18 Months of Hell to get a final divorce and during that time, the LAST thing I was interested in was dating! But then a friend gave me a 3-month gift subscription to eHarmony as a divorce present and I tried it. Within the next 6 months I met the person I referred to here as the Man of My Dreams. And it WAS like a fairy tale...we became engaged a year later and things were really good for about 3 years. But THEN it started to fall apart. A year ago in April, I sold my farm, broke the engagement and moved 1,100 miles away to give myself a fresh start.

In retrospect, that post-divorce relationship gave me a lot of things I needed (I found out what it was like to be treated with love and respect) BUT I overlooked or ignored a couple of important red flags along the way. That's why I think most books and therapists advise that you wait 2 years POST DIVORCE to start dating again. It takes a good amount of time to figure out who you really are after a long-term marriage ends and getting too involved too quickly with someone new is just like putting a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound. I have no regrets, but I have learned that it's more important for ME to TAKE MY TIME and figure out what I REALLY NEED & WANT before getting in too deep again.

Just my two cents (and the voice of my experience speaking).xoxo

Cowgirl, Can I ask how it could go from fairytale to falling apart?
And what red flags did you miss?

I jumped right into the dating pool a few months after the ink was dry on the divorce decree (took 11 months to get the divorce). I realize now I was nowhere near ready to date. After two disastrous forays into the Land of Men and Dating, I took a two year break. I read "Date or Soul Mate" and learned how to be alone and put myself first.

I date now but I am very choosy. I think you do need to wait until you have dealt with all the emotions of the divorce/break up before you jump back onto dating. This is what I did wrong and now understand that. Now I date to have fun. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, then I'm okay too.

Good luck!