One thing that I advocate and it worked for me.. I say do not give him/her any more real estate in your head than you have too, because is is not productive and believe this.. stbx are not sitting around thinking about you! Don't give them power they don't deserve.

I get the need to know what is going on. FB was not around when I got divorced, and most here will tell you stay off there. If you snoop be prepared for results. I did snoop, but no OW or anything like that. Human nature.. I joked I looked at his Amazon account the night before I went to therapist next day.

No contact or LC ( limited contact) means well meaning people telling you what is going on also. I was lucky, no kids, he was not in touch with our friends etc. BUT after a year or two, well meaning friends tried to tell me what he was doing.. and I put my hand out and said STOP. I spent a lot of money to get divorced, I am happy, I am in a good place. I don't want to know about him. Very hard for my friends who are not divorced to get that, not in their world,

AND a word of caution, do not try and micro manage your kids relationship with their father, and that includes the step daughter and ex wife calling you too. You can not , and they will find their own way in this. Others with adults kids will tell you that. Not healthy for them and for you. Don't use them as a sounding board either.. ! YOU are doing better, and believe me, there will be days like this, and there will be days that are not so good. This is one of the hardest things that some of will ever do. Be kind to you, and make yourself first in this. IT is work and it is for lack of better term a roller coaster of emotions. HUGS

thank you ms terey. I do not snoop on fb. i mainly play games. to the best of my knowledge he doesnt have fb account. I have never checked. and as i've said i have NONE of his family who can look at mine. I do not post anything about the divorce either. no ones business but mine. it was an accident that daughter in law added this person. and like I said my sons are adults and can make their own decisions. they ask me and i tell what they want to know. one still lives at home and unfortunately if i am having bad day he sees it and is concerned. i usually just shrug it off and say 'just down day". i do have to again tell the other children that i truly dont want to hear any news on him. good or bad. they think they are helping to encourage him to end this but hes what he is and agrees but then ignores advice.
not saying i am handling everything the correct way. i am trying to take care of me first. it has always been my sons and i since stbx left mentally so many years ago. I learned that if we wanted to do something we did. he was informed and if he wanted to be part he made it home. if not we did it ourselves. so they are major part of my life. but i listen to them when they want to talk. i visit when they ask. and i will always be here for them

Good advice from Ms Terey about dealing with the kids. Like you said, it's their own decision, they are young adults and need to handle this in whatever way works for them at this time. And time DOES heal!

For myself, i can't say that I didn't take some satisfaction that my youngest son (17 at the time) took a full 6 months to even talk to his dad again. He was angry, he saw how broken his mom was, it was just sort of...natural in a way that he needed to take that time. Anger is a natural and healing reaction to pain! The kids have been hurt and betrayed too! But time often does heal. Good luck as you move forward - hugs!