You are in a safe place right now. So breathe, breathe, breathe

You can not be with your sister as she is abusive, and you said before your husband is abusive too

So try to take a break tonight, relax at the hotel.

Why can you not go to Florida and teach.

I will have to at some point. It's just that right now, I am so sad. Why did this man bring me to a hotel room? We have been together for 22 years. This is an emergency. He knows I have no one here. Why did he bring me here. I know it means he doesn't want me. But we were making some headway. He was reading a book about marriage. We were making inroads but I guess not enough. because I am here in a hotel room and not in my home

Today there was something off with him. I couldn't put my finger on it. he was trying to act light when we were in the grocery store buying food for me to eat while I stay in the hotel. I was just looking at him, crying, thinking I can't believe it has come to this. I saw him getting really sad in the car. He said he has reached his breaking point and he just won't take anyone's garbage anymore. he said he is taking me to a hotel room because I am not going to bully him into getting back together. He stayed about 3 hours. We talked about the relationship. he said he loved me. I said I can't live like this. I said we only have this hotel room until tomorrow. what is going to change by then? I said I have hit rock bottom. We have to make a decision. If you commit to this marriage we have to work on it. Its not you waiting to see if it works. WHY DOES HE HAVE ME IN THIS HOTEL ROOM?

You sound like me. It's been 2 years for me and I still can't believe he doesn't love me anymore after 40 years. It's obvious to me and probably most of us that you are in the same situation. He just doesn't love you. You need to face it and move on. You know the answer to your question of why does he have you in a hotel room. He doesn't want you anymore. Sorry it's harsh but true. Move on and make a new life. I hate it for you and for all of us but keep your head up high and move on. You deserve someone who loves you. He doesn't. If he did you would not be on hold for so long. Please face it and make your own life. Get some self-respect and even though it hurts like hell pretend you are fine and let him go. I was so devastated and co-dependent but I never once begged him back. I surprised myself with that. I feel good about that. My sister said to me "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?" SO TRUE! Only a person with absolutely no self-respect would do that. So I accepted it and thought I deserved to have someone who loves me. Even if I never find someone like that being alone is better than being with someone who does not love me. You need to think this way. Now is the time for you to face reality and move forward.
Hugs,
Donna

Momto is right. You are in a safe place. How are you now? I'm sorry this has happened.

I'm guessing but I think your husband is telling the truth when he says he's not ready to get together again. It looks like he wants to make sure you're ok, and so has bought you food and put you in a safe place.

I'd say do the deep breathing, take a nice long shower, try to get some sleep, maybe go for walk in the morning. Then sit down with a pen and paper and write down a list of possible things you could do next.

If your ex is still saying he's not ready tomorrow, I would suggest that you make plans to get to Florida somehow and take up that job. I know it's not what you would like to happen right now, but it is something solid in your future, with the added bonus it provides you with an income.

My love and prayers go out to you.

love and hugs
kamary

the sad thing is that we were making inroads. Yesterday, he came to where I was staying at 6:46 (which meant he had to get up and leave early), so I can get the car to drive to school. He then had to travel for 1 and a half hour to his job. Then he came back so I can drive home. We took a walk and talked about the marriage. We made some steps. I was so happy yesterday. We were actually starting to make a connection. Then this morning, this crisis happened. I called him because I had no choice. When he came, he said he was furious and realized that he loved me because he couldn't believe someone would treat me this way.
Okay. Then why did you bring me to a hotel room? I asked him what is keeping him from working on the marriage. He said he was scared. he was scared we would go back to being unhappy.
Today, we talked about the marriage for about 3 hours. We really made inroads. you see when we see each other face to face, this is when we make these connections. But since I don't have any place to stay, I have to go. Either he will come to his senses when I am in FLorida or it is over. he doesn't know I bought the plane tickets to go back home. Today I said, I cant go on like this. You have to make a decision. But this is exactly how I didn't want this to happen.
He said he has given up. He is okay with just living by himself. I feel he is going through someone very bad. Today, we were both crying. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do.

Kamary, should I be hurt and angry that he is still taking so long to make up his mind? He has made steps towards me but nowhere where I thought we would be. We have made more steps in the last 3 weeks while I have been back here than the 3 months in florida. Should I feel bad about this? Is it too much too soon? Everyone else feels so embarrassed for me. They say wow, you are so low that he has put you in a hotel! I feel it.

Firstly, I'm glad you're safe. Secondly, I'm glad he helped you with food and a place to sleep. Thirdly, you need to move on a way to care for yourself right now, and it sounds like the job in Florida is the way to go. If he ever gets "ready," he'll know where to find you, but the fact that he wouldn't put you up over one night in your home is telling: he's not ready now, nor likely to be ready soon. He's basically accused you of picking a fight with your abusive sister to manipulate him into taking you back. That's not making inroads hon. That's not stepping toward you. It's keeping you at arms length, in his control, available for HIS purposes, yet without any commitment on his part.
It's so hard, and I'm sorry for your pain and sorry for your loss, but it's time to start to take care of yourself, your husband and family aren't going to do that for you.

Of course you should be hurt and angry that hes taking so long. Those are your feelings and your entitled to them.

From reading your others posts, I think your marriage is over and you have to accept that.

Your husband put you in a hotel when you were in crisis, that speaks volumes to me. Even at your lowest he couldn't take you back to your home for one night.

Get on that flight to Flordai, if he wants to reconcile he will come after you.

(((HUGS))) I know how hard it is to finally let go of what we want so bad. But ask yourself, is this the man you married and the same man you loved on your wedding day. I would be willing to be that if you take a step back you would see that this man is not who you , he was someone you loved, but presently he is not someone who will treat you right .

I think our feelings are always entirely natural, but we can't make our decisions based on emotions. I know it's hard to get out of that emotional state and look at things objectively, but that is exactly what we have to do if we are going to make good decisions based on what is real.

It must be next day over there by now? I hope you slept, and are feeling less shocked. If you only have one night in the hotel, you'll need to decide what you're going to do next.

I'm sorry to say it but I agree with the others who think it's time to look at your husband with new and objective eyes. I don't 'get' why he's doing all this driving about and yet he wouldn't take you in when things got nasty. I suspect that our wayward partners have a foot in two camps during the last years of a marriage and the early stages of divorce. In that case, do you really want someone who treats you as an option?

It took me 20 years from the first time I wanted to leave my ex till I actually did it. Regrets are a waste of time so I don't spend time thinking about it, but I now wish that I had left then. He had an affair, he treated me badly and did not apologise for any of it, and somehow I ended up staying there for twenty more years of being ignored and criticised and generally being treated disrespectfully.

I have come to realise that respect is everything - more than love - in a relationship - any relationship. And it begins with self-respect. If you stay and keep on begging, he can't respect you. If you make a decision based on your own best interests and keep him in the loop, you are showing that you have self-respect. What he chooses to do after that will really show his true feelings and his true colours.

My ex was a lovely man when I married him but he changed a lot in the 39 years we were together. It wasn't just how he treated me. It was his real self changing. By the time I left, I didn't really know him at all, and what's more, I didn't like him either.

Spend some time looking at the truth. Think about how you can take good care of yourself. You will be ok.

love and hugs
kamary

Pickingup, you sound very close to having a breakdown...you need to pull it together NOW. You feel like you've been hit in the gut...we know. It happened to most of us too at some point. But you absolutely must pull yourself together and start planning next steps. You stbx is just that. He is going to be your ex. He does not want to be married anymore. Start accepting this as much as one can 'accept' at this early stage. It will get easier. It really will.

Don't plead and beg for him to stay with you , love you. He's extending some decency to you by listening and talking, but this won't last. He wants to break the bonds and your emotional turmoil is going to wear thin on him soon. Get some help and get it fast! You're going to need support, you seem very vulnerable right now.

You can and will survive this. Say it to yourself: I can and will survive this. Say it every time you look at your beautiful face in the mirror: I can and will survive this. It's true. It really is true. Hugs of support

The book that helped me the most was "Love Must Be Tough". You MUST stand up for yourself. Go to Florida. My X said he'd never come back. He had had an affair. So I read the book, did what it said, and let him go. The book said he'd come back and at first, that was my hope. But as I started taking steps to move forward I realized I really had been putting up with way too much garbage and if he did come back, I wouldn't want him. So, As soon as I wasn't available, he came back. But it was too late. Although I was still in major pain, I knew he wasn't the solution. So I said no. He came back 7 times. And each time, I said no. Best decision. The pain was still almost unbearable for over 2 years, but it's been the best 7 years since those 2 years. You deserver better. When you love yourself, it's the best gift.

Big hugs.

Sorry that I did come on very strong but I have been through this myself. If someone loves a person they would move heaven and earth to make it work. I feel terrible for you but you will be fine. Just move on. He is not a stable person because he cannot make up his mind for such a long time. You definitely deserve much better. Go to Florida and make a good life for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Donna

I haven't read all the posts, but the people here do a great job. I hope you are ok and if I were you, I'd enjoy the hotel! I hope it has a pool. Just curious - why can't you teach this semester?

A confused man is a dangerous man. I have to agree with caligirl and sciteacher. Just stop and take a close look at what is happening here. You have been with this man 20?? years and he has you staying in a motel while he figures out if he wants to be with you are not? He's worried you havnt changed and will make him unhappy again? Are you kidding me?

Try doing this exercise...if you had a best friend...or better yet...a daughter going through the exact same situation as you are...what would your advise be to her? Follow that advise! If he doesnt know what he wants out of this relationship...its time you make decisions for yourself and him. Do you really need this? So he takes you back...you will be walking on egg shells forever. You will never know what to expect. You could do something minor and wonder if this is whats going to set him off and end the marriage again. The trust is broken. I've been down this road. The absolute best thing you can do is show your strength and independence. Its time you made decisions about your future instead of waiting for him to seal your fate...as someone once said to me when I first arrived here...its time to put your big girl panties on...Big Hugs...Kathy