Today we got home from Florida and my husband, who was staying at the house, was still there. We had a chance to talk a little bit, although he's very reluctant to talk about us. He feels all were doing is going backwards by talking about the same things over and over. I feel we are moving forward by finally talking about it at all. I talked about throwing away 23 years of our relationship instead of at least trying to fight for it. I told him both of us, over the years, always felt we were worth the fight and I still do. I told him I can't imagine wanting to start something with someone new, waking up awkwardly for the first time, having sex for the first time, all that stuff instead of just trying to work on us. Getting us back. I told him I'm not the same person and things wouldn't be the same. I told him I know he's not in love with me and he doesn't love me the same anymore, but I couldn't believe that he doesn't feel something for me after 23 years together - he agreed that he still does feel something for me, he just remember's all too well how unhappy and miserable he was. He said it finally hit him when both the kids were gone all the time doing their thing and it was left with just us. We had a comfortable, content relationship but he wants more than contentment. I told him I was unhappy too but I never stopped loving him becuase of it. I told him I wasn't asking him to move back in and jump right back to where we ended, but maybe getting together for a movie now and then or dinner, starting slow and getting to know the new people we've become. He was pretty non-commital, which I expected, but I told him to just think about it. I planted the seed. I also told him to stop saying that "I kicked him out". He said that before he left, he offered to sleep in the basement and I said no. Duh!!! I told him there was no way I could have him living here and not be my husband, that just wouldn't work. He agreed. I also told him the door was always open and this was his home. I told him if he wanted to live here instead of his parents, he was welcomed to do that, but he wouldn't be able to just come and go as he pleases, as if he was a single man. I couldn't handle that and he agreed.

So in a nutshell, I touched on the subject of us working our way slowly back to each other, I let him know the door to home is always open and I reminded him that I'm not the same person he left 3 months ago. Everything has changed. Like I said, I planted a seed.

He had time alone here and although he said it was nice he also said it gave him an idea of what it will be like for him if he chooses to live alone. Don't know if thats good or bad, but at least he got a taste of lonliness.

So, it's still out of my hands. The ball has been in his court since this bombshell hit me Feb 18th. I'm still going to have him visit in a non-commital, non-argumentive way to try and show him that it can be good again. So far that seems to be working ok. But, at the same time I'm still moving forward with my life. Taking care of the kids, myself and time to start job hunting.

Time doesn't stand still - not even for heartache.