Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I started thinking about reality and realized I based my reality on what other's told me was right. That's why I stayed married so long. My ex abused me, but other people would tell me what a great guy he was, I was lucky to be married to him, how generous he was. They liked him. Their opinions were based on their reality of my ex when they saw him in a social or business setting. My reality was based on living with him 24/7.
But at the time I believed maybe I was wrong, my reality was wrong. and they were right, their reality was true. I got very confused, not realizing reality is different for each person. At one point I believed I was crazy and they were right. .Was he actually a good guy and he loved me? Maybe I had a problem and needed to try harder. But nothing I did worked.
Thank God I finally went to a domestic violence shelter (with the help of the police) and they straightened me out.
Hitting me was reality
Demeaning me, threatening me, disrespecting me, controlling my behavior/my money, denying my right to eat, to drive my car, to set rules in my house, ignoring me, demeaning me in front of my children.........this was reality! My reality.
We need to learn how to discard advice from well meaning people when it is only based on their reality.
My ex mother told me her son NEVER lied. His best friend told me my ex would NEVER hurt a woman. Some people said I was making up stuff. Others said I was thinking too much or making a mountain out of a molehill. It put my reality off kilter and made me wonder if I was not seeing reality.
But no. I finally realized my reality was the truth.
It took time because every single person around me had a different reality of my ex and none included abuse/violence. They ALL liked him.
What is happening in your life is your reality. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself.
But at the time I believed maybe I was wrong, my reality was wrong. and they were right, their reality was true. I got very confused, not realizing reality is different for each person. At one point I believed I was crazy and they were right. .Was he actually a good guy and he loved me? Maybe I had a problem and needed to try harder. But nothing I did worked.
Thank God I finally went to a domestic violence shelter (with the help of the police) and they straightened me out.
Hitting me was reality
Demeaning me, threatening me, disrespecting me, controlling my behavior/my money, denying my right to eat, to drive my car, to set rules in my house, ignoring me, demeaning me in front of my children.........this was reality! My reality.
We need to learn how to discard advice from well meaning people when it is only based on their reality.
My ex mother told me her son NEVER lied. His best friend told me my ex would NEVER hurt a woman. Some people said I was making up stuff. Others said I was thinking too much or making a mountain out of a molehill. It put my reality off kilter and made me wonder if I was not seeing reality.
But no. I finally realized my reality was the truth.
It took time because every single person around me had a different reality of my ex and none included abuse/violence. They ALL liked him.
What is happening in your life is your reality. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself.
When I first went to my therapist I said see what is wrong with me, why I can't get along with him? Well after awhile I saw the abuse I was taking. I should have left him years before I did. And I had to work on forgiving myself for staying so long. All the neighbors said poor fellow now he is alone HAH. I said you should have walked in my shoes for a few years.
He also would not want me to drive HIS car, talk to my friends go anywhere. I can't believe I put up with that
S--- for so long. I too had to call the police on him.
However I have been gone over a year and at last I have found peace and freedom. It took many tears and a lot of down time but I am making it on my own. And you will too. We are so much better off without them
ruining our lives. I tell my close friends that it was like being in a prison living with him.
Hugs Dee
I'm so glad you got out JLJ and MissD, and the others here. Thankful you escaped with your lives. I have a dear friend that didn't get that far, may her soul be at peace now.
I admire your courage, both in escaping, and the amazing ways you've grown from the experience, and very importantly, for sharing your experience. I know you will help others escape their emotional and physical prisons with your brave words.
in my Truths, i just do not know all my reality.
I know what i went thru and the whys andThe
Whens. Do not understand it all and my head
Can not get wrapped around how things went
Down.
I just need to accept things as they happened
18 years were fairly good we did out own thing
Life was good. The last 12 were bad got very
Toxic at the end. I really dont feel the toxicity
had Anything to do with me.
I am far from perfect have my own issues, i
Did not deserve the bad treatment i received.
At one point i was going to a womens shelter
I wish and pray now i was strong enough to have
Done it, The statement to all would have been loud
and Clear Instead i went back to work and started
making money. That only appeased him for awhile,
Nothing got better only much worse.
I kick myself for not leaving in 2003 and when
He started with his barrage of nastiness it did
Not improve. He had checked out and watch
Out for his displeasure. I put up with his behaviors
hoping he would go back to how he was before.
That was a painful waste of time, hoping the
Monster could be put back in the box. Once
Out forget it, it only got stronger not weaker.
In alanon we are suppose to say sick not bad
Or evil.
(((((( hugs )))))
Other people liked my ex, too. He only showed his bad side to me most of the time, but there have been odd people through the years who experienced it, too. Sadly, I didn't believe the early ones and some didn't tell me until after the divorce.
Only last week, a mutual friend (used to be friend) tried to convince me that I couldn't have been right about him?? Because she had seen him being kind and thoughtful to me on a trip in 2002!! What?!
We can't afford to let other people tell us what is our reality. We would still be with them and miserable. We would make other decisions that are wrong for us too.
I think one of the lessons we learn from divorce is how to be there for ourselves and do what we think, not what others think.
love and hugs
kamary
When the now-X had made his sudden announcement to me in 2005 that he didn't want to be married anymore, all of our friends were as shocked as I was. He also had two faces and NOBODY wanted to believe that he had been carrying on with a co-worker! And they really didn't want to hear the Whole Truth about how badly he had treated me for most of our marriage. But at the time, I didn't know any better! I sure know better now!
Only trusted few. Number one they wont
Believe or want to believe me, two unsure of
My own reality and i probably wont talk About
it openly anyways. More like between Me and
God thing.
I am very open about the cheating and his
Dry drunkness( alcoholism). Many still argue
That even though he goes to AA and has an
AA Gf. He started AA too late in the game
Maybe he will smarten up eventually.
I have finally moved beyond needing to slur
Him it took me awhile. The pain and betrayal
Were so raw. Now with the detaching and no
Contact i am healing plus the nasty divorce
Is over with and i have moved. Once in awhile
Someone will ask i just say he has a gf depends
Who it is what i say. Many are clued into to the
Family dynamics.
((((((( hugs)))))))
Thank goodness, you listened to your instincts. The trick is to CHALLENGE any information given to you and to make sure your source is creditable....especially when it comes from a spouse presented with a poor history. You have to remember information with inaccuracy, distortion , and limited disclosures are going to be INCONSISENT and not line up.
I agree, "Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. "