Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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cmonge 05/28/2015

Have you ever randomly thought back to a time during your marriage when suddenly you see that moment in a completely different light, now that you know your ex cheated? He admitted plenty during the last few years, but naturally I assume there was a lot left out of those confessions. Sometimes I'll be telling an old story or thinking about a point in our past and I'll just get a cold grip around my heart (almost like when I was first uncovering the infidelity), where I can clearly see signs that he was cheating at that moment. They sure weren't clear at the time, but now in hindsight, it's like a cloudy lens has been removed from my eyes. Ugh, I thought I was done with those heart-racing moments of sick dread, but they sill creep up at times like this. I am thinking specifically about one incident on a vacation. A young woman who absolutely adored my ex, but seemed almost disdainful of me for absolutely no reason. I know there were many nights during that week when I would go to bed by 11 or 12, but others (mostly the young adults - and him! would stay out by the fire drinking till 3 or 4 am). Looking back I am now sure that "something" happened between them..

Of course, now that my divorce is almost a year behind me, I don't let these thoughts linger and hurt me for too long, but still resent the fact that now another of my past memories is tainted! UGH!!

Misred 05/28/2015

Yes, I did have some realizations, or my eyes were opened once I found out the kind of person I was married to. My EX convinced me that he got body lice from hotel sheets from a work related trip. Of course I ended up with them too. I cringe now looking back that I was so gullible. I try not to beat myself up with the information I know now or let my imagination run wild with it. There are other things, but I won't share them on the open boards, I want to be anonymous out here.

You're not alone (((HUGS)))

CowgirlKathi 05/28/2015

Hindsight is almost always 20/20. Nothing we can do about things we ignored or overlooked in the past. Just have to take the wisdom of our experience and keep moving forward. Hugs to you xoxo

trisha9054 05/28/2015

Me too. That's how I know I was married for a reason that wasn't love. I still have those moments from time to time. Like Misred there are other things I won't mention on here. I don't dwell on those things that pop into my thoughts. Its been over 7 years and he's finally out of my life.

MNMama 05/28/2015

With me, I never saw either addiction, his alcohol use totally took me by surprise and I didn't know his sex addiction went past pornography until I was looking for keys and found condoms.
Addicts and other narcissists excel at lying and hiding. I know that, and it still gives me worries about being able to spot that crap coming at me through anyone else. Don't know if I'll ever trust again.

refurb 05/29/2015

- since was able to sleep next to me (and more) while she was sleeping (well she was not asleep) with someone else, that makes my memories of 26 years with her all suspect of being false.

why bother identifying the true ones?

her vows were not true in the end therefore most likely the beginning

all of my memories of "us" and good times before kids, i have discarded
kind of sad because that was me ---- the good parts of me

all of my memories of "us" and good times as parents and family, i can't discard they are too intermeshed with memories of my children
the memories are no less skewed, as when was she for real and when was she acting, therefore my memories of what i thought was may not be the real "was"

infidelity cheats the betrayed out of their memories, thanks honey

'

daddyrocs 05/29/2015

Yes they are called epiphanies. I have them all the time because she didn't admit or confess to anything. They really suck.

KRKing911 05/29/2015

I know what you mean, but you have to feel it to get through it. Your still early yet - you were married a long time. You'll be ok. It does hurt, but the pain will go away.

kamary 05/30/2015

Yes, I still have odd light-bulb moments. These days, they give me validation more than pain. Knowing what he was doing behind my back for so many years, helps me to see that I am much better off without him.

love and hugs
kamary

RossHomes 05/30/2015

Here , here Kamary ! I am better off too !

cmonge 05/30/2015

Right you are, Kamary!! :). The taint and disbelief give way to a further hardening of the heart towards him.

Time4Kim 05/31/2015

OMG, YES, I've had many of those moments. I suffered for a long time with very intrusive and vivid flashbacks of what I thought were happy memories of our life together that now brought me intense pain. I spent a lot of time talking in therapy to deal with this. Then, when the pain began to subside, suddenly little snippets of reality began to also filter into my recollection. Things I didn't understand before now suddenly made perfect sense. And, moments when I though my ex was just tired or worried or distracted now illuminate what he was really up to all along. And, like daddyrocs, my ex did not and still does not admit to anything - even though he got caught by several people who came forward and told my daughter what he was doing. He will never own up to what he did because, at least for now, he got away with it. He got what he wanted. It will take a Karmic experience and real loss for him to finally admit what he did. Even then, he's way too stubborn and sure that he's right to ever come clean.

But, as Kamary said, it does help me to finally let him go and realize that I am so much better off without him.

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