You voiced my feelings about dating. I'll be keeping a close eye on the responses. Mine, too, was an unhealthy relationship...I gave, he took. I do not feel ready to date again either. I know I have a trust issue after being married for 30 years and I also know I never want to be hurt like that again. For me, those are legitimate reasons for me to not date. They also might just be excuses and I just need to 'do it'.
How do you know the difference?

You don't sound ready and there is isn't a rush on it either.

Yah, infidelity is definitely a different twist on things. the hurt factor is big. Just hang out with us like we all do with each other. You will know when the time is right. Your kinda new to all the feelings still. There is guys on here that are really big helps too !!!

So sorry you find yourself here.........none of wanted to be.........

Hugs my friend

I don't think forcing yourself is a good idea unless you really want to do it. There's no rush, and I certainly wouldn't let someone else, or society in general, tell you what's right for you.

I'm not ready to date and am quite happily living my own life, busy like you with kids, grandkids, volunteer work, gardening and other things. I also wonder if I should be getting out there, and every time I decide I'm not really ready.

I think you're wise to take it slowly, work out who you are first, what you want in a relationship. I would have liked some affection in my marriage too, and I know what you mean about being afraid to show it to someone in case we are rejected. If and when you meet someone you take a liking to, make sure that is there before you commit to anything more. That'll be one of my 'must haves'.

love and hugs
kamary

If you are wondering if you're ready, then you aren't quite ready. When I moved to the house I live in now, I had to simplify and cut down on work around the house. For example, way smaller yard, less knick nacks and furniture to care for etc. Since I was back in school, it gave me time for studies and socializing. I joined meetup groups because it was kind of like faux dating. You see something fun, sign up and go. I know for men it's a bit intimidating, but there were a few men at my meetups. I guess I'm trying to say, when you need time for something, you will have to rearrange your life to receive it.

Put out of your mind the thoughts of your EX lavishing her affection on someone else. That was infatuation. Some people go from relationship to relationship because they think that is what love is supposed to be like when in reality, all long term relationships, a couple should work together towards keeping the home fires burning. Love is an action. It's possible you know more about it than your EX.

One of my favorite lines (I got it from a dear friend who's a nun) is "don't 'should' on me!" Turn it around and it's equally righteous to say "don't 'should' on yourself!"
It's not even been 2 years, and after 23 years together, that's not a long time.
One of my healthiest things is to stop projecting where I "should" be in my evolution as a newly single person. I'm not putting time constraints on whether I'm ready yet or not. By the way, I'm nowhere near ready yet!
I'm not running myself down over fear, lack of trust, or nervousness around dating issues. It's going to happen or it's not, and I'm going to base my decisions when things come up, based on what's right for me at the time. The only thing I'm planning on is to take my time getting to know anyone beyond acquaintance/friendship levels. If that's not right for them, they're probably not going to be right for me.
I'm just trying to keep an open heart and open schedule, to get out there, become a better person, and live my life as best I can, alone for now, maybe forever, maybe not.

Ideas of being "scared from being hurt" can be misappropriated to mean staying away from dating all together when you really mean HOW to stay away from being involved with any emotional unhealthy individual. Your answer is brushing up on your skills of DISCERNMENT. Recognition is your tool of protection. Get yourself into men's mentoring programs which teaches men healthy self esteem...which is required first !!!.

If I ever meet anyone I like I would take them to my therapist for vetting. I have made so many wrong choices
in my life I don't quite trust myself. I only left 8 months ago and I'm just starting to relax and enjoy myself.

I just wrote to a fella on line and when he answered I wrote and said I've changed my mind I am not
ready to even meet anyone.

I've been separated officially 4 years this week, and I'm still not ready.

Work, kids, sports, summer, trying to get to the gym, groceries, laundry etc. I'm lucky to be home one night a week at this point.

I know I want someone in my life, but other than work, sports and shopping I don't know the last time I went out in public that didn't involve the kids and the house. If I do have a free day, I take the kids out for the day to a museum , zoo , dinner etc.

My kids are still young so I know this too shall pass, soon enough they will be away at University and I will have all the time in the world

But I too am afraid I am to set in my ways, used to doing my thing at my time.

I can't imagine at this point letting someone into my world again.

I just believe that one day we will know its the right time, and we will be open to trying dating again

I was just afraid that there was something wrong with me not being ready to date.I guess it hasn't really been that long but somrdays have felt like an eternity by their selves. I think the hardest thing to get past is being able to trust again. Those of you whose ex's didn't cheat on you, should atleast be thankful for that. It is a terrible thing to do to anybody and I still have trouble dealing with it.

I'm glad I have people like you all that can understand what it's like. Thank you

Hummmm My ex didn't cheat on me but he destroyed our family in so many ways we will never fully recover. He put money before family, tore down his children's confidence in themselves, made us fearful of doing something wrong, taught them promises are meant to be broken, that violence works better then words, too never take responsibility, blame it on someone else, to disrespect people. So many awful things. Cheating is only one of a long list of things that are terrible to do to another person. Maybe I'm wrong. That was about the only thing my ex didn't do so I can't really say.

I didn't mean to offend anyone,that was not my intention.

I believe meet up groups are the best way to get
out and meet people. It's like group dating or socializing
You'll meet a lot of different people and you can aviod the o es you do t like... Good thing is....your not commited to anyone. I did this for about two years.
I don't think it's good for you or the person your going to date. There are a lot of false feelings that you may have because you're very vulnerable to anyone that shows you compassion and caring. Not that , that's bad.....but you may interpret that as love. My advice, go slow....do go!!!!
Just be aware of all your feelings. Someday that person will come along and you'll know it.
Have a good night
Timeman

lostwh
you didn't offend me and I hope I did not offend you. In no way did I mean to compare the emotional impact people have on us.
You sound like a very caring person.

Divorcecare says it takes 1 year for ever 4 years you were married to fully recover from a divorce. So, if you were married 23 years, that is a good 4 1/2 years. Not that you can't move forward in life but to get total resolve. And honestly, I've known people who it takes much longer because they stay bitter so don't heal.

I decided I wanted to really really work hard on the resolution and healing after my divorce after 32 years. It was all I could do to make that decision as I was completed devastated. But, I decided I was going to heal for myself. So I was very intensive about it. I went to counseling bi-monthly, read tons of books, joined divorcecare and did 2 session of that because one time wasn't enough, I went to divorce retreats through local churches and strived to be the person I wanted to be.

I don't think you attract a healthy person unless you are healthy so that would be my advice to you. You are still early in this post divorce timeline. Spend the time finding out who you are, what you want, what you need to work on.

For me, I had become codependent and my x left me in tons of debt. But 5 years later I was debt free. I told myself I would not marry until I had reached my own goals. I am 8 years, post-divorce and life could not be better but it was a ton of work but well worth it.

Hang in there and be gentle with your emotions but work hard towards a goal of healing and compassion for yourself. It is so worth it.

Big hugs