I've got news for Mr. A**hole - he CAN'T take you off the health insurance UNTIL you have a FINAL DIVORCE! You just stick to your guns, my dear. Hold out for a FAIR and EQUITABLE settlement. He won't like it, but it's just too darned bad! He is the one who broke the contract. Make him PAY!

And actually the best thing for YOU right now is to "go dark" -- NO DIRECT CONTACT WITH HIM. Take it from one who knows. Saying NOTHING sends a message -- that you are SICK of his crap and you're not going to be bullied anymore. Let him wonder what you're up to!

Stay strong!

Thanks guys. I am staying strong but if you remember when he confessed to his affair he also said he was having thoughts of killing himself. Since he hasn't responded to the mediator who posed a direct question to him, I am nervous. I know this is so stupid of me. He was pushing so hard to get this rolling and now to have such silence. Nothing. It puts me on edge. My old codependent ways are screaming at me to just text him to see if he is okay and ask why he hasn't responded. Stupid. I know. But I haven't done anything. I guess he's looking around on Obamacare (!) to put me on a plan so he won't have to wait 6 months to file the divorce. God I hate him! Two things have happened. My brother in law's best friend who has known us for 20 years was so sympathetic and mad because of his treatment of me that he wants to punch him in the face. Anyway, he has offered to hang out as brother and sister whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. It was nice to have a man be sympathetic.

And I met with my advisor yesterday and she is adamant that I should continue the phd. I am thinking about it. It would mean remaining in NY, where the animal. it would be hard but why should I give up my dreams for him. Yesterday when I was talking to her, I saw a glimpse of my old self. he didn't take all of me. I still had something left and it felt wonderful. I am hanging in. Tommorrow I have my therapist and then I teach. I pray and I pray and I pray. There is a saying I try to remember. A woman said to the lord "why, Lord, are you silent when I come to your door?" And the lord replied " Because I speak last." I pray to our heavenly father that soon he will speak.

PU, I think he's being manipulative. He knows how you'll respond to his silence and he's doing it on purpose for the reaction he hopes to get from you. I would suggest you play his bluff and stay no contact except for legal reasons, and even then, perhaps your attorney can write to him.

My ex still plays this sort of card with me. I saw him sometime earlier this year when he was friendly and he confided some work problems with me. The next time I saw him at my exMIL's funeral, he was being disrespectful again. They suck you in, then they spit you out over and over again. It's best to stop playing the game, but I know it's early days for you and it's hard to see what's happening.

I'm happy to hear that you're finding support from the oddest places. It's surprising who comes out of the woodwork (and who disappears from our lives) when divorce comes unbidden.

Your real self is still in there and you can let her out now:)

I'm praying for you too.

love and hugs
kamary

Kamary, you are so right. He finally responded to the mediator today to make it clear that he wants this process to get started and be done now. I am PROUD to say that I did not respond and we are now going on 6 FULL days of non-contact. It hit me hard today when I had to take the train home after teaching because he used to give me the opportunity to drive home in our car. But this has stopped. As I was waiting for the train, I started feeling so sad, anxious and really panicky. I really started to miss him. I WAS FEELING DESPERATE. I texted my sister and friend. Then I came home and won't you know it, his email was in my mail waiting for me. Luckily my sister was here and I hung around her. She said THINK OF HIM AS YOUR ENEMY. HE IS THE ENEMY. HE JUST WANTS YOU GONE! You have to start taking care of yourself. I am not going to lie, tonight right now is tough BUT I HAVE NOT BROKEN THE NO CONTACT RULE. And I will not. I have to work on acceptance. The lord loves me and has a plan for me. I just don't know it. For 22 years I have been isolated and mentally abused. I have been made to feel that I can't survive or be happy without it. A big part of me still believes this but I must be making progress because not all of me believes this. Thank you guys on this site. You save me. I cant' take the abuse anymore. next I will find out she is pregnant or they are marrying. It's why I am standing by the no contact. I just don't want to know

PU, she may be pregnant. She may not be. They may be getting married. They may not be. His purpose is to keep you guessing and keep you on the back foot under his control. One thing you can be sure of is that leopards don't change their spots and that poor girl will be treated the same way you've been treated. I'm glad you 'don't want to know'. You'll be a whole lot happier that way. Your sister is right. He is no longer your friend and it's time to start taking care of yourself.

First job is to make sure you get a fair settlement when you are divorced, so concentrate on that for now. Don't let his scare tactics work. Don't let him win. Show him you have integrity and are willing to do what has to be done and that you won't be bullied.

love and hugs
kamary

I read your response to his not contacting you...all these questions flying through your mind and your emotions going up and down...that's what no contact does...you go no contact and he will have all kinds of questions flying though his mind and his emotions will be all over the place...not for the same reasons but it will happen. Do not respond to him what so ever...if you have to...it should be to tell him from now on if you have something to say...talk to my lawyer.

I am so proud of you for reconsidering the PHD program...if you quit and move...in a way...he wins...because you are running away from something rather than moving towards something...good on You! Big Hugs...Kathy

Hello,
Sorry that you're going through this, but you're right.......God does have a plan.
Kathi was 100% right. He made his choice? Let him pay for it.
I believe fairness, equitable for both, but in your case. ( He's such an -as ) I would go for more
then what is fair.....heath insurance until your 65....... Complete dental care. The house..?the car..all the furniture..... Your pension... The clock ..the pictures on the walls....... I WANT IT ALL !!!!!
That should rock his boat... Change his thinking... I don't think you'll do that, but if you did....Ohhhhhhh, how he would change...wake up..
Everything was pretty much said here by the others...I couldn't add anything other then..... Please take care of yourself financially and insurance wise.....don't be pushed around by him with that..YOU WILL NEED THAT LATER ON.... GOD BLESS.... Be strong.... I was once in your shoes....I know its not easy....?just keep going....OK...? Take care..
Bob

thanks guys. I am also really appreciative of a man's perspective so thank you Timeman. I have to see him on Tuesday for probably our final mediation. I am really dreading it. I know I will be set back for days. After we texted yesterday, today was really, really bad. I clearly stated that I will not go on Obamacare and if he feels so strongly about not waiting the 6 months he should pay for Cobra. And won't you know it, he is going to pay for Cobra. What is amazing to me is that he is so cheap and money is such an issue YET he can't wait 6 months where he wont' have to pay anything because I would still be on the insurance instead he is willing to pay up to $600 monthly for 6 months of Cobra!. I really truly believe there is something here that isn't right. Either she is pregnant or she has put her foot down saying she is not going to see him if he hasn't filed for the divorce. He denies, denies, denies but I am going to follow my gut instincts. I PLAN ON CONFRONTING HIM ABOUT THIS AND GETTING AN ANSWER. Unfortunately, I am probably not going tot believe him and he is such a rotten liar that he will never tell the truth. And as my sister said, you better be ready for the answer if he gives it. It's a nightmare all around. And of course, he's going to act that a nasty, stranger with NO CONCERN for my well-being. He will just act as if I am a burden and he just wants to get it over with. I do realize that this is the worst possible way to have handled this situation: he basically threw me out after demanding he needed space and a separation then he embarked (or pursued physically) an affair that became an exit affair. He continued to cheat on me when I returned from Florida and HE decided he wanted a divorce. Then he has robbed me of my chance to get any closure or answers or he has treated me with ZERO diginity because now that he is proceeding with the divorce, I am not even owed the courtesy of respect or care. He has literally erased me from his life.

Hello again picking up,
I think that I know your feelings right now.
All this is pretty new
When my x first ran off, my sons FIL told me: Bob ,take care of yourself and make sure you get all that's coming to you. He said: later on ,you will need the money.
As hard as it was for me to think that way.....I did I told her that we've been married so long(38 years) that everything should be split half and half. Boy did she change her attitude from friendly to rage and hostel .
Yes, its only right..... Trynot to let your emotions control what's rightfully yours . its difficult because of all your feelings now, but believe me......he doesn't care about how your going to live...?you must MUST take control.
Of the mediation and not only what you want, but dear....., BUT WHAT YOU'LL NEED .!
I think back when I had to sitdown with the Lawyer and my x in mideation. Very hard because I still had feelings...I still cared.... Easy for her.... Just thinking about her self and her.......old friend.... But. I remembered what my sons FIL said..... And now 8 years later.....boy the best thingvthat I ever did.
Picking up, its going to be hard on you for a while.... You'll cry and all that stuf .Most all of us did., but..But the day will come when "you'll cry less, you'll start to think about your well being" then I hope that you can say what I said.....thank God I took care of myself and didn't let my emotions guild me in my mideations.
OK,good luck ... Got to go...?Bob

I'm glad you're getting better at no contact. The only thing you can believe from him is that it will hurt to hear it. The less you have to hear his lies, the sooner you can start to recover and heal.

"Whether or not...", "This or that..." about the other woman is not your concern. If anything, I feel sorry for her for hooking up with such a loser, knowing at the start that he's unfaithful and not to be trusted. Try to realize she has nothing to do with you, it's all on him; his choices, his failure as a husband, his lack of respect and his breaking of vows. He owes you! Whatever his motives for selfishness, greed and lack of responsibility is HIS problem and HIS cause, not hers. I hope you are able to stand up for yourself and get the highest possible settlement your state allows. This is all on him. He wants a divorce, he needs to pay for it. Good luck Tuesday.