Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Woke up from terrible, terrible nightmares last night. I kept dreaming of my ex mother in law. I believe, while my stbx shares the majority of blame for our breakup, I believe my ex-mother in law had a major role in it. Last night, I was reliving scenarios of what should have happened. I dreamt my stbx and I were locked in a room, trying to make things work (and in my dream, it felt so good to be near him). Anyway, she just appeared in the nightmare and she was so angry! Just getting in between us, causing trouble. I think I am regretting that I allowed her to talk me into getting a separation. I keep saying if she didn't visit that maybe things would have worked out differently but then my rational side knows, this situation would have ended up this way anyway. He was cheating and he would have found a way to do what he wants and I would have been hurt more. There probably would be more sneaking around. I feel as if I am regressing: I am back to the what if phase and wishing I could do things differently. I don't know; maybe I am finally mourning the marriage? I am so upset and sad.
Doesn't' help that everyday in my emails are the matter of fact emails from him on how he can permanently remove me from his life. Today, at 5 am, he sent an email with at link so I can change my address online (and like all users, he copied me in this email, so I can get the link and get it over with.)
I also seem to be picturing him doing PHYSICAL violence against me; whenever I think of how he has treated me, images of him wearing combat boot stomping on me as I lie on the floor curled up just seem to pop into my head. Other times, I see him reaching into my chest, pulling out my heart and stomping on it or tearing it to pieces. I wonder if, maybe, because of the swiftness of the breakdown of the marriage or that I am not allowed my outlet to DEFEND myself against the cruelty that he has perpetrated against me. Me,left with all of these questions and being DISPOSED OF AS IF I AM INVISIBLE GARBAGE is really starting to have its effect. I feel lost once again.
Doesn't' help that everyday in my emails are the matter of fact emails from him on how he can permanently remove me from his life. Today, at 5 am, he sent an email with at link so I can change my address online (and like all users, he copied me in this email, so I can get the link and get it over with.)
I also seem to be picturing him doing PHYSICAL violence against me; whenever I think of how he has treated me, images of him wearing combat boot stomping on me as I lie on the floor curled up just seem to pop into my head. Other times, I see him reaching into my chest, pulling out my heart and stomping on it or tearing it to pieces. I wonder if, maybe, because of the swiftness of the breakdown of the marriage or that I am not allowed my outlet to DEFEND myself against the cruelty that he has perpetrated against me. Me,left with all of these questions and being DISPOSED OF AS IF I AM INVISIBLE GARBAGE is really starting to have its effect. I feel lost once again.
They may start to make sense as to what they are trying to work out for you someday when you reach some milestones in your counseling and therapy. Otherwise, they're just venting some of the emotions you're battling in your waking life right now.
Sorry you're not sleeping well right now, but it will get better. You'll be OK.
By the way, GOOD FOR ME: today, he texted and emailed me that a college had called the house, looking for me. I was glad that he told me, of course but I didn't respond to his texts or emails. It's not like he cares about me or wants to hear from me. And this is good for me . For a second, I thought about saying thanks but then I thought to myself: I have come so far with the no contact. I just don't want to start from square one. Plus, it did feel GOOD to be the one to ignore him. I hope he sits there wondering just for a second what I am up to and I hope it puts a shiver up his spine thinking I just might get it together and I won't be a mess forever.
I google dream meanings/spiritual meanings and often find that the answers help me come to grips with something going on in my life.
Good on you for maintaining the No Contact. You're doing well.
love and hugs
kamary