Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I learned today that my the woman my ex left me for is 10 years older than he and has already been married 3 times!!! When she marries my ex, it will be her 4th marriage. I had somehow built her up in my mind and believed that she was truly something special. The fact that my ex was willing to go to church with her and wouldn't with me made me think that maybe she really was a good woman and I was seeing this all wrong. I've been comparing myself to her relentlessly. I also learned that she doesn't own a home as my ex told me she did. Instead, she's been living in an apartment very near where we lived, which only further explains where he would disappear to for hours and not be able to account for his time.
These revelations make a huge difference for me. I've read in numerous books that the OW is very often nothing to write home about. I only saw this OW twice, so I knew so little about her. Now, I realize that she is nothing special at all. I think she's after my ex's big paycheck. The joke is on her, because he has to pay half to me for a further 7 years!! :)
This new information came at just the right time, too. I was feeling a little down that my recent "dates" haven't been very good. Now, I feel grateful that I have men in their 20's and 30's asking me out, even if it isn't for reasons I'd agree to. I'm regularly told that I don't look anywhere close to my 45 years. My ex, on the other hand, was given free checks at the bank because he looked like he was over 55. He's only a few months older than me. :)
I saw a photo of him today as well, and he looked like hell. He looks even older and frumpier than before. And, the best part is that I had no feelings for him at all. I looked at the photo and just thought to myself that he is someone I used to know and don't care to anymore. I felt repulsed by him, in fact. He's gained more weight, and I lost two more pounds over the holidays. I now weigh 72 pounds less than I did when he left me. I'm wearing pants 10 sizes smaller than before.
So, for all my cohorts out there who are suffering from relentless comparison with the OW (or other man), just know that odds are in your favor that she/he is absolutely nothing special. And YOU are!
Kind regards,
Kim
These revelations make a huge difference for me. I've read in numerous books that the OW is very often nothing to write home about. I only saw this OW twice, so I knew so little about her. Now, I realize that she is nothing special at all. I think she's after my ex's big paycheck. The joke is on her, because he has to pay half to me for a further 7 years!! :)
This new information came at just the right time, too. I was feeling a little down that my recent "dates" haven't been very good. Now, I feel grateful that I have men in their 20's and 30's asking me out, even if it isn't for reasons I'd agree to. I'm regularly told that I don't look anywhere close to my 45 years. My ex, on the other hand, was given free checks at the bank because he looked like he was over 55. He's only a few months older than me. :)
I saw a photo of him today as well, and he looked like hell. He looks even older and frumpier than before. And, the best part is that I had no feelings for him at all. I looked at the photo and just thought to myself that he is someone I used to know and don't care to anymore. I felt repulsed by him, in fact. He's gained more weight, and I lost two more pounds over the holidays. I now weigh 72 pounds less than I did when he left me. I'm wearing pants 10 sizes smaller than before.
So, for all my cohorts out there who are suffering from relentless comparison with the OW (or other man), just know that odds are in your favor that she/he is absolutely nothing special. And YOU are!
Kind regards,
Kim
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
You said that you looked at his picture and felt nothing .
I remember when that happened to me . I rhink that was when I really started to recover .
Sooooooooooooooooo, you are there ....... Hip ..hip !!!
If the OW was married three times already ........ OMG ,, doesn't that tell you something about her ..
what makes your x think that he's any different then the others she left ............ot maybe they left her ... doesn't matter ...
now .WOW Congratulations on loosing the weight, 72 pounds ........... size 10 ....... Hacha moma !!!!
LOL.......... You're an attractive woman Kim ... be careful with the guys out there . There are a lot of crazy's
out there ....... My lady friends that I met ar=t the singles dance told me many bad stories ,.. How can you be careful . well, go out with friends ..... don't be alone with a new fellow that you meet for a while ....
I don't know if they have meet up groups by you "they should " Go on the internet and type in Meet up . You should get some in your area . They go out in groups and I have met some nice people there ...
Ok.............. done with my sermon ,,, Ha-Ha ....
Have a god night .glad that you're feeling better ......
Timeman .... Bob
You're right, too, about the dating thing. I am very careful about that. There are a lot of creepy people out there!
Kind regards,
Kim
Well I also thought the supervisor had money and land, her husband died and left her with these things, but my lawyer said she has been selling them off over the yrs. because I am going to court at end of month for alienation of affection suit, so I have found out that she is a loser that my X made to look like she was so much better than me. Now I know that anytime a person can sleep with a married man, move him in her house the next day after walking out on his wife... can't be much of a woman with dignity or any type of morals... so yes I believe you when you say "we are so much better than them."
Congrats Kim...you already see he will reap what he sow!!
Carol
The day we went to divorce court, I barely recognized the now-X. He had gone COMPLETELY GREY during the 18 Months of Hell and he looked about 70 years old -- he was only 56. I say that's what lying and cheating does to a man -- Guilt Takes Its Toll big time!
Pretty much true to what all the books said, the "relationship" with X and OW fell apart fairly quickly following the final divorce. My Fairy Godmother had told me early on "You watch...these men aren't NEARLY as attractive once they have to give away a big portion of "their" assets to the wife they cheated on."
My rule of thumb is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF and push any thoughts of these Assclowns OUT OF YOUR MIND. You can't change anything that has happened, but you can set a positive course for YOUR FUTURE! Karma has a way of working things out. Hugs to you. xoxo
I went through this comparison phase early on. Yup, during my paper trail hunt , I got access to background information of the OW/s, I was astounded! It reminded me much of Sandra Bullock's ex husband and his bottom feeding women [men who seek women totally different isn't seeking beauty or wealth.]
I suppose the process of "comparison" assisted in my final conclusions. Certainly, this discovery quickly taught me of his "sickness". When your partner loses their marbles to the liking of such a person, you know he's mentally screwed walking around blind with wide eyes opened. So much so, they got to devalue you to avoid appearing foolish for walking down the street with their new ugly requisition. Don't take and make it personal.
If I had the opportunity, I would have immediately requested my ex to get admitted to the nearest chronic long term "psycho" ward and throw away the key as his penalty !
In my case, the ex is his new wifes' third husband. She abandoned her children from her first marriage due to reasons I never did find out. She has an 8 year old by her second marriage that I guess my ex is helping to raise, at least half the time. She is estranged from her mother. She's struggled with her mental health and was raised in a non-traditional religion that she abandoned as an adult. She never struck me as a very happy or well adjusted person (I knew her a little as she worked with the ex).
And now they have each other! NOT the life the ex told me he wanted when he first expressed that he wasn't 'happy' and needed to 'explore life on his own' and 'find himself' and all the other CRAP he said when he was starting to weasel his way out of our 30 year relationship.
His cynical, alcoholic ass is ALL hers now! I am FREE FREE FREE! Amen.
The universe has big plans for you! xxoo 72 pounds - fantastic! You should be proud of yourself.