Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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stopthistrain 07/31/2008

I have wanted to reach out to the DS family for about a year now. It was not until this 20+ forum was created that I felt I found the proper support group for me!!! I will be married 27 years in Sept. together for 30 years. My husband left me for ow a year ago...went to rehab in Jan. ..came home to me after (his decision i agreed because i really thought his horrible behavior was only because of his addiction) I worked so hard on our "marriage issues" because i really love him (or who he was says my therapist)and wanted to stay together. Found out he was still seeing the skank (sorry but she really is and of course 10 years younger)on the 4th of July when we were away together on vacation (having the best time together in years!!!) He left and immediately signed a lease on an apt we cant afford.

Needless to say , I am crushed, extremely depressed and feeling so lonely. I am left to manage a horrible financial situation..I havent worked in years and I am extremely nervous. My son has one more year of college and I have already had to tell him that his plans of studying abroad have to be cancelled because we cannot afford that luxury right now. I only pray I can afford his last year. His dad will keep paying what he can I think but it wont be enough. The market stinks and I really want to keep the house at least til next spring . I think my mortg payment is less than a rental would be and I know I iwll have better luck sellng in the spring and I need some time to get my act together.
I am glad to have found you all and so many of you have similar stories. I plan to share more with you because I really dont have much of a "support group" My family lives all over and I dont have many friends outside of "Our' friends that are more his.
I do love to hear that it does get better because it is truly so hard to believe right now. Round two has really knocked me down!!!
Look forward to getting to know you all!!!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

We are glad you are here! Lean on us, we are here for you! I am sorry that we have all had to go through this. It really stinks, but we will and do come out better on the other end! Be strong and take care of yourself! Hugs!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

You will find support here whenever you need it. Hugs to you

deleted_user 07/31/2008

I am so sorry for your pain! You will find comfort and acceptance here. You can vent, cry, and even laugh! You will make friends that you will probably never meet, yet have very strong bonds with and that will be precious to you! I hope we can help you to heal!
Hugs to you!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

stopthistrain, it will get better thought it doesn't look like someday. Don't hesitate to vent and share, we're here to listen. Hugs to you.

deleted_user 07/31/2008

Please feel welcome here. I am also one without support system (except 1) and joining this site has been a lifesaver for me. This place is that silver lining. We do understand.

deleted_user 07/31/2008

We are here for you...This is an amazing group of people!! Lean on us

stopthistrain 07/31/2008

What an awesome feeling to know there are people here who really DO know how you feel!!! People who have not been through this may have good intentions but sometimes their words actually hurt more than help!! Thank you for your warm welcome!!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

I am so very sorry for your suffering. You will find the support you need,especially when all of those well-meaning friends just don't get it!i share your fears re finding a job after not working,and all of the struggles the fall out of our husbands' selfish behaviors have on our kids. (Mine refused to pay a tuition bill that is due tomorrow.)All the while,he's in an apt we can't afford finding his "inner peace."Did you know that inner peace means living with no cares for his family and establishing his new life with a married woman?! Sorry,I didn't mean to hijack your post! i so feel your pain and anxiety. Glad you're here!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

So happy you are here, it is a great place to be. Like you we have all been through this heart breaking time. You are never alone when you come here, I have met the most loving,caring people here and would not have missed them for the world. My heart aches for you, please take care of you.

Hugs

stopthistrain 07/31/2008

Oh suzy we do have a lot in common....my sons tuition is also due tomorrow. I am handling all the house bs bills , lack of money , everything while he is playing "hide the weinie" with his skank. Told him I need alot of money this week he says "I will let you know if I get any!!" He tried to come over when i was gone this pm..i locked the doors (actually he used to have a key) he couldnt get in and texted me.." if you pull that shit again you will have a for sale sign on the front lawn when you get home!! EWWWWWWWWWW I know he cant do that but my god he abandoned his family after we helped him get acclamated after rehab and i get that shit UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatieBee 07/31/2008

Welcome. I too have children finishing college and certainly their needs won't be met adequately. Their father has told me he won't even fill in his share of the financial aid paperwork - "it's between me and the boys." I have had to lay down the law and say I won't post my paperwork until he does. So I know it's hard, hard, hard. I also know that making their life even near normalcy is impossible, and a college aged child has to learn to deal with these issues. Sure it's hard for them, but I know your child understands that you will do the very best you are able. Just keep on being the great mother I am sure you are and things will work out. As to the "For Sale" sign - don't worry - I changed the locks and totally was backed up legally. Keep yourself safe, seek legal assistance, and talk to your son frankly. Keep on posting - let us know what's going on!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

Thanks for sharing your story....You have many similarities to many of us here in this group.Sorry for your pain, but it does lessen with time and talking about it here does help.There seems to be some sort of phenomenon
going on in the world right now with these men and their lack of morals and commitment? It is a scarey world we live in but hopefully we can begin to make a difference by helping others through these very difficult situations.Welcome here!

deleted_user 07/31/2008

Welcome and love and hugs to you.. I highly reccomend you get a lawyer asap.. once you do.. he cannot change things financially.. take money out of bank accounts/ sell things.. hide things etc.. if you haven't worked in years he is gonna have to cough it up..get tough and you will be fine!!! its hard when you love them and you hope they are gonna change their minds.. but you must think with your head and not your heart.. when it comes to the finances.. you can't afford not to.. good luck!!

Chrissy614 07/31/2008

Let me tell you my story (as briefly as possible) My husband of 20 years decided in Feb he didn't love me anymore (shock #1) he moved out in May (shock #2). I have been on an emotional roller-coaster since Feb. I sobbed for 7 weeks straight, everyday when he left. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would make it through this. I started an antidepressant, I tried changing for him (which actually I like the changes I've made), I tried tough love by letting him go and then I tried inviting him over so he could see it wasn't as bad as he thought it was. None of this worked.

But you know what, in 3 short (or long) months, I've upgraded my goal of being happy by 15%. And it is just lately that I've upgraded it twice. That is a huge step that I didn't believe I could make 3 months ago.

My point is, that I've been where you are and I never expected that I would pull myself out of the "pit" of dispair, but I did and YOU CAN TOO.

Do not look at what you THOUGHT you had with your husband - take a good long look at what your REALLY had. Pretty soon you will realize that you thought you were happy living like that, with his addiction, but you really weren't.

We have all been in your shoes and we are still walking. It's a long, painful journey, but we will make it together one step at a time. I know this just sounds like words to you right now, but you will feel it too, I promise.

Hang in there and hugs coming your way.

deleted_user 08/01/2008

Welcome to the group. I wish we had all met under different circumstances but it has been a blessing to have people who know what we are going through. Hang in there and know that it does get better.

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