Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I don't know how I am feeling right now. Can't really put it into words... sadness, anger, anxiety, depression! I feel shaky and out of sorts. The thing is, my kids are coming to me today for my week with them. We usually switch on Sundays but they are coming today because by x and his gf are going to Hawaii for vacation tonight. My x and I met in Hawaii, that's where we went to high school and his family still lives there. So many things are going through my head right now. First I've been getting really anxious whenever my kids come to me. I don't know why. I feel okay when they are here but I'm always a little nervous that they would prefer to be at their other house with their dad and his gf and her 2 kids. I always feel like I'm competing with them and they live in a big house and have money and do lots of things that I just can't afford.
Not too long after our split my x took the kids to Hawaii and I had a really hard time with that because we had planned a family trip to Hawaii and it was the first time for the kids to see where we grew up and all. It was also 3 weeks after I had given birth to our 3rd child that he barely acknowledged so there were a lot of emotions then. This time the home wrecking whore is going. It will be the first time she meets my "sister-in-law". His family who I was real close to stopped talking to me as soon as my x left the house. I'm still torn up by that. I don't understand it and I don't think I will ever get over it. We were close. Now they are welcoming the whore into their home. I feel betrayed and angry.
I imagine my x taking her to all the places we used to go to. Our places. And yet I can't even walk into a grocery store without thinking of the times we were there together. I just don't get it. I can't understand how he is able to move on as if we never existed and I'm so torn up I'm still crying even as I write this! He's said things like we should never have even gotten married and that when he said he loved me he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Stuff like that. Stuff that hurts so bad I feel like dying. Stuff that should make me hate him and should make me happy he's gone. But it just hurts and hurts and hurts and there is no motivation to move on, just the pain.
We've been apart for almost 2 years and the divorce was final in March. I should be past this by now. My world fell apart when he walked out on me and I still can't get it together! I should be working and living life and raising my kids and dating but instead I'm withering away and time is passing me by and my life is as empty as my soul. I can't find a job, I'm running out of money, I am an emotional basket case and now I think I'm addicted to my meds. I am still so emotionally raw and it's been 2 years. I can't seem to let go. What is wrong with me!? I was such a strong person before. I thought I had such a great life. I was so blind. So so blind! I know I have to be strong for my children but what if I can't. What if the only thing I can do is curl up in the corner and cry myself to death, which is what I want to do most of the time. I keep waiting for that moment. That moment when I feel like saying "screw him I'm going to live MY life" but it never comes. I hear so many people say that when they got divorced it was the best thing that could have happened to them and I don't get it. When is it my turn? I have been brought to my knees. I have been humbled beyond comprehension. I've lost my career, my security, the future I planned, half my kids lives, soon my home, half my supposed family, my partner in life, my love, my faith in people, my trust... the list goes on. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. How much more do I have to lose?
I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm playing the victimized role. But I can't help it. I don't see anything else right now. I hate my life and worse I hate myself. I am so tired of being the victim and I make myself sick because I've always been a fighter and now when I need it most I have no fight in me.
I feel like the whole marriage, the last 22 years of my life... it was all a big lie! The happiness I thought we had was all lies! Why did we have kids? I thought it was out of love but it wasn't!!!! He said he had them because he hoped having the kids would make our marriage better. Was I that horrible to be with? Why didn't he just leave then?
I'm sorry to have my pity party forced on you. I guess I'm just hoping for something someone says to make sense to me. I call my x the boogie man because he has taken all my security away. He's what lurked under the bed. In my case, he was in my bed. He turned out to be everything I feared and he's destroyed my life. He stole my soul and spirit and threw me away like garbage. I guess I can't get my fire started because there is not enough left to start one.
I pray. I pray and pray and pray. I beg for forgiveness, for mercy, for peace, for serenity.... anything to make it better. He's just 1 man, so how does he have so much power over me!!??!! God help me. How will I get through the next week without thinking of him and her in my territory? Why can't I let go???????????????
Not too long after our split my x took the kids to Hawaii and I had a really hard time with that because we had planned a family trip to Hawaii and it was the first time for the kids to see where we grew up and all. It was also 3 weeks after I had given birth to our 3rd child that he barely acknowledged so there were a lot of emotions then. This time the home wrecking whore is going. It will be the first time she meets my "sister-in-law". His family who I was real close to stopped talking to me as soon as my x left the house. I'm still torn up by that. I don't understand it and I don't think I will ever get over it. We were close. Now they are welcoming the whore into their home. I feel betrayed and angry.
I imagine my x taking her to all the places we used to go to. Our places. And yet I can't even walk into a grocery store without thinking of the times we were there together. I just don't get it. I can't understand how he is able to move on as if we never existed and I'm so torn up I'm still crying even as I write this! He's said things like we should never have even gotten married and that when he said he loved me he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Stuff like that. Stuff that hurts so bad I feel like dying. Stuff that should make me hate him and should make me happy he's gone. But it just hurts and hurts and hurts and there is no motivation to move on, just the pain.
We've been apart for almost 2 years and the divorce was final in March. I should be past this by now. My world fell apart when he walked out on me and I still can't get it together! I should be working and living life and raising my kids and dating but instead I'm withering away and time is passing me by and my life is as empty as my soul. I can't find a job, I'm running out of money, I am an emotional basket case and now I think I'm addicted to my meds. I am still so emotionally raw and it's been 2 years. I can't seem to let go. What is wrong with me!? I was such a strong person before. I thought I had such a great life. I was so blind. So so blind! I know I have to be strong for my children but what if I can't. What if the only thing I can do is curl up in the corner and cry myself to death, which is what I want to do most of the time. I keep waiting for that moment. That moment when I feel like saying "screw him I'm going to live MY life" but it never comes. I hear so many people say that when they got divorced it was the best thing that could have happened to them and I don't get it. When is it my turn? I have been brought to my knees. I have been humbled beyond comprehension. I've lost my career, my security, the future I planned, half my kids lives, soon my home, half my supposed family, my partner in life, my love, my faith in people, my trust... the list goes on. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. How much more do I have to lose?
I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm playing the victimized role. But I can't help it. I don't see anything else right now. I hate my life and worse I hate myself. I am so tired of being the victim and I make myself sick because I've always been a fighter and now when I need it most I have no fight in me.
I feel like the whole marriage, the last 22 years of my life... it was all a big lie! The happiness I thought we had was all lies! Why did we have kids? I thought it was out of love but it wasn't!!!! He said he had them because he hoped having the kids would make our marriage better. Was I that horrible to be with? Why didn't he just leave then?
I'm sorry to have my pity party forced on you. I guess I'm just hoping for something someone says to make sense to me. I call my x the boogie man because he has taken all my security away. He's what lurked under the bed. In my case, he was in my bed. He turned out to be everything I feared and he's destroyed my life. He stole my soul and spirit and threw me away like garbage. I guess I can't get my fire started because there is not enough left to start one.
I pray. I pray and pray and pray. I beg for forgiveness, for mercy, for peace, for serenity.... anything to make it better. He's just 1 man, so how does he have so much power over me!!??!! God help me. How will I get through the next week without thinking of him and her in my territory? Why can't I let go???????????????
Admitting that you are depressed is a good thing; it's the first step toward lifting out of it. I hope that you will take my advice and call your doctor first thing Monday morning.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
kathi
I feel your pain so much I hurt for you. Your head is in the right place though. You know you should be moving on after 2 years and yet you haven't. But that doesn't mean you can't or wont be able to. You can move on just as I have. It's not easy but it is possible. But you can't do it alone. I don't know what kind of local support group you have available to you, a friend, family, a DivorceCare group - find someone to talk to about this.
There is no shame in asking for help. I don't think it's you it really sounds like the wrong meds. I think they are hurting you more than helping you. I don't care if you have to find 20 different ones before you find the right one, don't stop looking until you find it. For your safety please get your depression under control. That is STEP #1. After that I think you will find everything else falling into place.
I don't even want to address your X and his GF going to Hawaii. There is nothing I can say that will make that any easier. If it helps you to know this, it would kill me too. It's only natural to be in a state of anxiety over her meeting your X-family. But it's out of your control and all you can do is control how you react to it.
My prayers are with you honey. I am so, so sorry that you are still struggling with it all. It sucks!!!!! But do not give up hope of ever feeling normal again because YOU WILL. YOU WILL !!!!!
See your doctor as soon as you can. Don't give up on getting the RIGHT meds for you. You will be amazed at how much stronger you will feel with a little help.
Hang in there sweetie. You are going to be ok and you are never alone.
You are grieving and rightfully so, but you owe it to yourself and your kids not to let yourself get "too" far down. He's turned into an a**, but you are still a worthwhile child of God; one day you will find meaning and joy again. Look for a lifeline to recovery.
Keep posting. Huuugs
"A hui hou"
What Im trying to say to you fatallove is..you and how you view your life is what is keeping you there. You need to get mad at your situation...not him or you! I had to hit my rock bottom to climb out and you do to. The thing is...when you've had enough you will change it
As far as the relatives goes...its the casualty of divorce..it sucks but its true. I havnt seen anyone or heard from them since this all began...and we were pretty close. I say....it wears not so well on them. It shows there shallowness. You can do well without them. You have you!
Pulling yourself out of this depression starts one step at a time and is sometimes simple stuff--go take a walk. Exercise helps build endorphins which are feel good hormones. I know you will say "I don't feel like it." Do it anyway!!!
Call friends and family to come help you and visit you--lean on them right now.
All of us had the same moments you're having. The difference is to heal you have to take action and move toward healing. It won't come to you.
Sorry for the tough love, but I think it's needed here. Healing will happen when you make it happen.
Hugs, hugs, hugs. I know this is difficult.
aybe it is for some - I pray it is for some, but it wasn't for me. It was worse. The emotions of ALL that went on, and ultimately his death took it's toll on me. Like "post traumatic stress" . Flash backs, relieve, sadness, low self worth - OMG just a replay of everything. I am slowly feeling myself again. I think for
each of us the time and occurances that happen or have happened play a big part in recovery.
We have to work through so much and at different levels. Even now, if I hear of his "flirting" or possible advances that he made with other women - I cringe inside. It hurts. I don't know why. Just that it does. It maddens me, too. I knew that I had to let him go - I made the move to do that. Why would I have any
feelings regarding other women?! It doesn't make sense to me, but I can truly say I feel it - betrayed. I can't imagine how screwed up I'd feel if he were here and had another woman. I just know it would make me crazy - for some time anyway.
You've come a long way - this is just yet another set back. It's temporary though. You'll see. You'll cry - feel devastated and worthless, but it won't last for long. You're divorce was just final - be patient with yourself. That "final" really isn't the end for most. In fact, it holds much in the way of down slides for some - many. I don't have young children and there isn't another person involved and I've melted a lot through this.
I give you much admiration for the strength you feel that you don't or haven't had. I believe you have SO much more then you see. You...FRAIL?! By far! I wish I had half the strength you've shown here. Do you realize what you've been through? It's a nightmare! You deserve MANY pity parties. Just remember when the party ends and you've gotten a lot off your chest - you remain the winner here. If we gave "metals of honor" on this site, you'd be one of the recipients, hell...we'd even make a statue to honor you.
Hang in there - K? You're so loved by many. This woman will NEVER replace your childrens mother. And, his family or anyone else that let you go are idiots. And, we all know there are many idiots out there - right?! Some of us have just been blessed with more then others. Lucky us. Them losing you is not your loss - believe me. It's truly theirs. Give those kids of yours great big hugs when you see them this weekend. Keep yourself in the "present" - don't drowned yourself in the past, that's over. Stay in the now and you'll make this a wonderful visit. You can do it - I know that you can.
You loved your spouse with all your heart.
You gave so much of yourself to him/her.
You worked at the relationship.
You trusted your spouse.
You were faithful.
You tried to live right.
You thought you'd be together forever.
You never think that you're going to get kicked in the teeth, but stuff happens.
Your feelings are going to be overpowering sometimes. You have to rage, pounding your fists. You have to scream, whine, moan, and complain to your nearest and dearest friends; you have to do whatever you can to let it pass through your system.
Divorce brings an abrupt end to things that you thought were good, right, and secure in your life. Now you aren't sure which parts of your married life were real and which parts were only illusions. You are not wrong to feel anger. Justified anger can be a necessary response.
Jesus showed righteous anger when he saw people buying and selling their goods in the temple, making a profit from religious activities rather than revering God.
You may have been victimized by your ex's blaming.....but you are NOT a victim. You are not the blame for his affair. His badness was the "deal braker", it was his choice. Getting unstuck in the funk...is hell.
I can bring some wine and cheesecake and put on some salsa music? Or we could go to Chipendale's.
I know this is hard, but don't believe it. Don't buy it. Don't dwell on it. Don't allow him to steal more from you than he already stole. Only an idiot is married 22 years and then says it was just to tell you what you wanted to hear....and all that other crap. Your perception of reality is much closer to the truth.
Be strong. One day he just won't matter anymore.
Hugs...
Second, why do you think he is a bit of a dick (pardon the expression)? In part, because of his dickish family. I would bet the farm that if you look back on your 22 years, there are lots of red flags that they are as much of jerks as him. They ACTED close to you because that's what they do ... ACT (as actors do.) That's why it's so easy to switch loyalties. They are no more loyal to her than to you. They are just going along to get along ... doing the easy thing. That's their family way.
How do I know? Exact same situation. He assaulted me. He left. They cut me off even though I treated them like my own family for 20 years and did nothing to deserve what he did to me. If they had any character, they would care how I felt. They would get him to man up and take accountability. They don't treat me with the least concern because they are as messed up and fake as him. At least now I know the truth.
Third, focus on the kids. How do they feel that their dad is off with his new family and they don't get to go to Hawaii? How do they feel that even when they did go to Hawaii with him, it sounds like it sucked? Ouch! Who cares the size of your house?! Laura Ingalls Wilder writes of living in a one room cabin with such heart, you want to be there with her, listening to the crackle of the fire and the hum of Pa's fiddle. You can live in a castle but that doesn't make it a HOME. As they say, HOME is where the heart is. Make it a HOME and they will relish it.
If you want my advice ... make cookies, go for a hike, go to the library, read a book out loud, plan a trip together even if you can't afford it (cuz planning is half the fun), watch a silly movie or show or sporting event on TV together, play cards, play catch, play kick the can, go to church or do a church-related family activity, go to the dollar store, play a board game or do a puzzle, plant a garden, volunteer in a homeless shelter. I know these things may sound a little dumb, but they become fun when you do them together.
Again, how do I know? I am broke too. These are the things I do with my teen and pre-teen kids. They always say, "no, I don't want to do that. It's lame." Then I make them and they end up with smiles. Inside every teen, is a inner child wanting to connect with his or her parents. And LUCKY YOU IMHO cuz you are the one who gets to connect with them while he is off burning the $$$$ wicked step like the villain in every fairy tale from Cinderella to Hansel and Gretel.
Like they say, you can't buy cool. And you can't buy kids neither. Not in the long run.
So bad for him. Yea for you!!!
Finally, were the last 22 years a lie? Well, are your kids a lie? Is your loving heart a lie? Is the strength you are finding today a lie? Are the lessons you learned about yourself lies?
Our relationships are not report cards or lie detector tests. They are doors to that paramount relationship ... with God, with ourselves. As long as you learned something, it's not a lie; it's a lesson.
And if he didn't learn anything, it's not a lie; it's ignorance of the truth. It's a thick skull and the inability to learn.
Don't worry. Either he'll learn or he'll die trying. As they say, when God throws a feather and we don't understand it, he throws a brick. Your STBX should get ready to duck cuz one mother of a karma brick is headed his way. And wicked step better duck too cuz it's probably gonna be two birds down with that big old stone.