Oh my dear yorkieluvr -- do NOT despair!
And throw away that "spill my guts" thing in your head! There is NO SUBSTITUTE for an unbiased, trained professional who will listen to everything you need to talk about, not make judgements, and help YOU find the ANSWERS WITHIN YOURSELF! I say this as one who has gone into therapy on more than one occasion in my lifetime and who would REMAIN IN THERAPY MY WHOLE LIFE if I could afford it!

AND -- by virtue of the fact that you referred to your "FEELINGS OF SHAME & EMBARRASSMENT" I am SCREAMING -- GET A GOOD THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY! There is NO REASON for YOU to take on those feelings, my dear. They are a normal reaction to the circumstances (been there - done that) and it's one of the FIRST THINGS a good therapist will help you deal with. I can't stress this enough!!!

Now, listen up...
First of all, checking to see who is covered by your insurance is a good place to start. Unfortunately, it is my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that the really GREAT THERAPISTS do not accept insurance. Most therapists go to work for a "group" when they finish their degrees, but quickly move on to a different venue -- and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY -- it is their own desire to be able to choose an area of special focus and when they work in a group (or a state or local government facility) there is NO CHOICE of area of special focus.)

Your attorney -- believe it or not - might be a good place to begin asking for referrals. No doubt, they have gone through this with lots of other clients. One of the first things my attorney asked me was "Do you have a counselor or therapist?" I said yes and she said, "Good because I'm sure you know that you are paying ME to handle the legal end of this -- when it comes to the emotional part, I MUST remain objective." Wise words and I can't say it often enough -- My DREAM TEAM of attorney and therapist saved my head and my financial ass when I went through divorce.

If there is a Dept. of Health & Mental Hygiene (or whatever they might call it where you live) CONTACT THEM. They normally provide a list of professionals; some who are covered by insurance and some which are not.

Another resource could be to look and see if there is a DivorceCare group in your area. Check them out on line www.divorcecare.com and search there to find out. Just about every member of the two DivorceCare groups I was part of was also seeing a counselor or therapist. NETWORK! And just because you haven't shared what's going on with any of your co-workers, sharing with them could help you tremendously.

I never felt as if there was any negative "stigma" associated with my divorce, My true friends rallied around me; neighbors were absolutely wonderfully supportive and I even made a couple good friends at my local Safeeway store who continued to cheer me on through the whole ugly mess.

I hope my words will compel you to start looking TODAY! My therapist is one of my GUARDIAN ANGELS. We keep in touch and I still see her for occasional "tune ups." Sending hugs to you!

For some of us who have been going to therapy a long time, I think we forget the fear and unknown of going to therapist. It is a new experience and if you are not the type that "tells all" or are a bit introverted, you can mention that when you talk to a therapist. It does take a few sessions to tell you story, and that is what I tell people, this is your chance to get a objective, non-judgemental sounding board. A good therapist doesn't "tell" you what to do, they help you figure out what YOU want to do. That takes time to see if you and the therapist meet each others needs. There are lists of what a bad therapist does also.. and I tell people to give it a few sessions to give it chance at first.

I first called a therapist in 1995, due to my ex and his first threat of divorce. I still have the same one, though I had a huge hiatus of time to 2003. I lucked out, but I did do a couple of steps to find him. Today, Google how to pick out a therapist, and you will find some good tips and questions. The first one for me, was will you be more comfortable with a man or woman therapist? I picked a man, back in 95, because I felt I needed a man's perspective and for me that was the right choice. Each person is different.

I knew I needed a Ph.d. My neigbors and good friends, a married couple, both are Ph.ds, college professors in Pych.. and I asked them what I should look for back in 95 and they told me that is what they thought. I did check our insurance. I knew no one that was divorced. I called one, and I asked him a few questions, interviewed him. I asked him what kind of therapy he practiced, cognative, how old he was, was he married ... that was stupid, I know now that he was divorced and remarried, but I had some idea that a divorced therapist would not be able to help me keep my marriage together and would be pro divorce. Far from it, he was able to help me by knowing my pain and my desire to keep this togehther. He did see me, and he did see my ex, alone and together. My ex did get his own therapist at one point, on his advice. He was perfect for my ex.

I would start with the insurance list. You do not seem like the type who is going to ask collegues and friends if they would recommend someone as you are very private, and that is ok. But that is another way to find someone, but it all subjective. The first and hardest step is to make that phone call,ask some questions you have wrote out. Feel them out on the phone a bit. As I say the hardest is that first step! You can do this, and it is a great gift to yourself! A BIG HUG

There is a wall around me that is twelve feet high and twelve feet thick. I do not let people in too. The only thing that I do talk, but I only reveal what is comfortable for me. I keep to myself too, my feelings my hope and my expectations of the future are mine and mine alone. I went to a therapist, recommended by my church and boy did that help. All she did was to get me talking and talking and crying but near the end, I was laughing and giggling more than crying. Please call your church and see if they can recommend you one. I did not have to pay because I could not afford it and still cannot. But as soon as I can I will make a donation to the charity that funds such services.

I heard a very good piece of wisdom the other day: whether it be your doctor, your spiritual advisor, or your counselor, do not settle for one that does not treat you as an equal (do not settle for one who acts like God, thinking he/she has all the answers without hearing you, nor settle with one who puts you on a pedestal and is incapable to facilitating change and healing, that you end up manipulating to keep things 'easy')

It might help you to think of a therapist the way you would think of a mechanic, plumber, lawyer, etc.
These people have more expertise in their field than you or I have, so we go to them when we have an issue we may not have the know-how to solve on our own.
We tell them as many details about the problem as we can, so they can give us the help we are paying them for.
There is a lot of information about various types of therapy on the Internet. Perhaps you can read up on the different therapies available, decide which one seems most appropriate for you at this time, and use that method of therapy as a search term to find therapists in your area.
You will need to meet with the therapist to see if this person is a good fit for you. If you don't start feeling more comfortable each session, you may need to move on to someone else.
I've had several wonderful therapists over the last 30+ years. Each of them helped me with the issues I was having at that time, and my experience helped prepare me for the next step, whatever that step turned out to be.

Yorkieluvr,I Know what you mean by keeping to yourself,because you sound like myself the therapist i HAD gone to,wanted to know if i trust her enough to open up after only the 3rd session,I barely knew her,I take a very long time getting to know someone,I told her that,her reply was ok lets see each other twice a week then,she also kept taking blood tests and kept pushing vitamins on me by the 5th session i had enough of her,and told her i could no longer see her,she got upset and asked why,I said becuz you always assume stuff,and i feel like you feel i should not get a divorce,plain and basic yorkie she was only looking for the money the session provided....therefore i suggest you check your local community and see if they have a divorce/seperation group that meets once a month or so,its usually free or a small fee at best go to a few meetings and just listen to what others say,if you feel comfortable enough then you can speak your mind as well,in either case vent all you want here on DS we always listen and probably have been where you are ourselves,I have learned that DS does not judge anyone,and thats a big plus in my book(((HUGS))) it will get better....

My best friend of 30 years is a licensed therapist and she has been there 100% for me. I could not put a value on her help and I cant begin to explain the importance of having a qualified therapist on your side. Please please do find one...you may go through a few until you find...the one...but so what...just do it.

I remember feeling that same shame and embarrassment you speak of. Those feelings are debilitating. I struggled with those feelings..it took a while to work through them. My friend (therapist) started me off by looking at myself in the mirror and saying the words...I am separated...I am getting a divorce....I am on my own etc. Then I started saying it to people who I know. It was soooo hard at first...but I forced myself. I would run into casual friends...they would ask..hey how are you...I would say...oh I'm doing okay...I'm going through divorce and its a bit tough right now. I'm sure they regretted asking but who cares...its not as though it really mattered. My point is...I had to practise saying it until the embarrassment and shame left. Really...people dont care...they are so involved in there own lives they really cant spend to much time on anyone else. I used to be so worried about the gossip and that I was a laughing stock of my community of friends and acquaintances...wrong...a lot of them didnt even know 8 months after the fact. If they did know...they spent a few minutes on it and moved on to what was going on with them.

You have to put yourself first..and that means physically, mentally and emotionally. This is your life...these are your issues...these are your obstacles....these are your feelings. Its all about you. Find a therapist that fits you and start working your way through your stuff. I know its tough and its hard to put yourself out there but I just know you can do it. The rewards are huge. Better days are coming... Big Hugs...Kathy

Take a moment and trust your instincts. I believe in therapy, and I too thought I would never find a decent one on the insurance list. However, therapy is extremely expensive, if you don't use insurance. A copay is far easier to swallow each week, and keeps you going as long as necessary.

My daughter started therapy almost 5 yrs ago for a medical condition that she deals with. This woman has been an angel to us. I can't speak highly enough about her. I picked her out of the list because she was close to a specialty grocery store I like to frequent. How is that for reasons? She has been a lifesaver to both my daughter and myself. She has been there in the off hour too. She is no longer covered by our new insurance plan, and for over a year has only been charging us the co-pay.

I recently have found another (off the list) for myself, and she has given me a gem to carry away each week (and I have only seen her 3 times). If it feels wrong, find another. You won't get into the nitty gritty for a couple of weeks. Really trust your instincts. You will know, if you are tapped into your gut feelings.

It is so worth it. They will guide you in trusting your choices, and help you to see the positive days ahead, and the good that resides inside. But it is also a safe place to cry if you must, so that you aren't using your friends shoulders, or suffering alone.

I have found it quite refreshing.

It's weird because I don't generally "believe" in shame and embarassment. I mean you have an illness, that's genetics, your pants were unzipped, that's life. I have struggled a long time with anxiety and while I don't broadcast it, I made the decision not to feel shame either. I mean it was a genetic condition, combined with life circumstances, that have happened. John Bradshaw wrote a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You that I remind myself of.
And YET, with my husband, I feel so embarrassed and can't hardly talk about it. Today, I did tell two co-workers, because my therapist and my mother pointed out that I was denying myself any support. I also told an old friend from college, who is also a lawyer. He was really nice I'm feel shame because I am having such a hard time dealing with this. I feel like I'm going to end up homeless and alone. And everyone thought we were such a great couple who were so compatible. And then last night, I called my husband and just lost it. I haven't cried that hard in years. It started as a conversation about the income taxes--do I paperclip or staple, and ended up with my stomach hurts and I don't feel very well right now (which was true, by the way).
So the point is, a therapist can help you. I saw a doctor today, and got a new prescription, which of course I'm nervous about. Do you have an employee assistance program? That could be a good place to start.

Oh, and I'll add, when I told the therapist about my embarrassment, she said it's his shame, not yours.

Two of the best phone calls I made after I kicked my lying, cheating no good ex to the curb was to my attorney and a counselor.

One took care of me financially; the other took care of me emotionally.

Set aside your concerns and make the call. Counseling is so helpful during this emotional journey.

Hugs of strength to you.

hurtinandhealin and I hold the same philosophy -- If you want to get through this with your MIND and WALLET intact, BUILD YOUR DREAM TEAM! Get a good therapist and a great attorney.
Sending prayers of strength and tenacity your way!