Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

lostwh 12/01/2013

I've been hesitant to do the no communication with my ex wife. I guess there was still some part of me that was hoping some how we could work things out. I know in my heart that I could never take her back after all the cheating and lying. But is so hard to totally let go of someone you've been with for most of your life. We experience so much together and there are so many memories. But like I said I know in my heart it's over. The hard part has been getting that through my mind. So after reading so much about NC on here i told her last night I only wanted her to call or text me if it's an emergency with one of the kids.I know I have to do this to heal and get on with life. The hard part for me and the crazy part is even after all the pain she's caused me I still worry about her. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I was always there when she was sick. Whe the doctors thought she had cancer, I prayed and asked God to take me instead. She calls and tells me it's my fault she's the way she is. And it's my fault she's done what she's done. She tells my kids and friends lies about me. But for some reason I still worry about her.

Misred 12/02/2013

the first three weeks are the hardest. She will test your boundaries so be prepared for that. You are a caring person and this goes against your nature, that makes it harder. I think you are also a wee bit co-dependent. You may want to talk about that with a good therapist.

cantstay2 12/02/2013

It will be the best thing for your healing. My best days are when I am in NC with him. Two years later, it is a little easier to interact with him, but not for long. It is just easiest!

sfsoccermom 12/02/2013

I fought NC for a long time. After all he did to me and the kids, I still hoped and prayed he would come to his senses and keep our family whole. It took such a long time for me to realize that having contact with him was unhealthy for me. It soothed his guilt, but caused me so much pain. I only contact him by text regarding the kids in an emergency or something to do with scheduling. Other than that, I don't even engage him. He came in this weekend for the holiday, picked up my daughter and I never even talked to him or saw him. I have learned that I am much better off this way. I, too, cared for him deeply even after he left. I even had him attend Thanksgiving the first year because I felt bad. Problem is, they have chosen their path, and we have to learn to live with it. It might as well be what is healthiest for us overall.

Hugs!

hurtinandhealin2560 12/02/2013

Great replies from all. I think it's natural to feel sympathy for our stbx/ex's. I remember a conversation last year with my former sister-in-law. She told me my ex had knee surgery. My first reaction was immediate--I was worried about him and asked if he was okay. I just think that response is natural after you've spent so many years with someone.

I also believe that many of us on here are very kind hearted, and even though our ex's hurt us, we wouldn't wish something bad on them.

You will find NC a great way to clear your mind. It really helped me. I think Soccermom said it best---when the contact hurts YOU, you have to get away from the source of the pain.

Sending healing hugs!!

iammine 12/02/2013

Continuing to think about and worry about our ex's health and to extend kindness (doing favours,listening to / helping to solve their problems) only serves to help them to abdicate their responsibilities as a SINGLE person / separated parent and to absolve them of guilt in the case of those who cheated or irreparably harmed the marriage and caused it's demise. And it won't change them or repair what was done. Sad but true.

As separated / divorced individuals starting anew after a lengthy marriage, we need to muster ALL of our energy to focus on rebuilding and taking care of ourselves (and our kids of course!). Spending time talking to or worrying about a spouse who is NOT worthy of our love and attention is unhealthy and unproductive.

Lost, congrats on making it to NC. It definitely is difficult, no doubt about that. But with time, you will realize that you have less emotional ups and downs this way and the path towards healing becomes a little less bumpy. Good luck as you move forward!

kamary 12/02/2013

So glad you've managed to reach this point. It will get easier from here on. I think it's for the best to do what's best for ourselves and that's best for the family as a whole anyway. There's no point in trying to hold on to the old habits and there's no point being vindictive and resentful, either. Both of these things only serve to pull you down.

love and hugs
kamary

tobywinn 12/03/2013

I assume the pathology report has determined she did not have cancer, so there is no logical sense to continually make this situation as your burden to bear. It's very admirable you were by her side; you did your job well done. But here's the catch, she is not in any immediate life threatening impeding danger nor is she your responsibility. Whatever name or blame she has assigned to you, it does not have any tangible worth.

It's good that when you do collaborate with her, it's with cordial business.

Join the Conversation