would it be helpful for you if you could not want him to be anything?
i'm not there yet myself for my lovely ex-wfie but i'm getting closer to kind of thinking of her like a person in the car in the other lane...not much at all

I'm not sure why my X hasn't married his girlfriend (although they're just best friends who do everything together ha-ha), but if and when he does I'm inclined to send her a sympathy card.

I think it's kind of normal under the circumstances to feel some resentment about this development. I learned that my X had remarried about a year after-the-fact and was sort of stunned, if nothing else. After all, he was the one who INSISTED all during the Divorce from Hell that HE "never wanted to be married in the first place." Could have fooled me! He never said a word about it for the 23 years we WERE married!

But don't be fooled, my friend, because THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY SEEM. If you think back to your own marriage, I am sure you are able to see NOW that things weren't peachy keen. I know I had to have my head kicked by my therapist a few times to see that in a lot of ways, I was living in my own illusion.

As to MY X and this new marriage, if anything -- I feel sorry for HER because I KNOW she has NO IDEA WHY he and I ended up divorced (his adultery) and she knew him for LESS THAN 6 MONTHS. As my astute 29-year-old niece said, "It will be interesting to see how long it lasts."

Also...keep in mind...a leopards spots dont change and either do our ex's. They can pull off " the new personality " for a while but eventually the true person shines through unless they have had extensive therapy...which is highly unlikely.

mbstone...I have not had to go through this yet but my guess is its normal to feel the way you do. I think I would feel the same way. Let yourself feel it and dont kick yourself around the block for it...but do try to let it go...I know...easier said than done. The truth is...it only hurts you. He could care less. His head is so far up his but he has to blink through his belly button. You deserve so much better than him. Feel your feelings and move on toward a better future for yourself and your kids. Find a mantra that fits and say it to yourself everyday...try not to look back...Big Hugs...Kathy

I think your reaction is totally understandable. My ex's ow moved into the house that I designed this year. I did expect it but I was still a bit stunned when it happened, and then I thought - the honeymoon is over now. He will start to reveal his true self like he did with me. I agree with Kathy that leopards don't change their spots, and ex's don't either. It's only a matter of time. Whether she puts up with it is up to her. If she's like me, and can put up with it, believing his lies when he says he'll stop doing the hurtful things, she'll see their time out together to death. It took me twenty years to decide I'd had enough LOL. (Slow learner)

I "get" that resentment - not wanting him to be happy when he made you so unhappy for such a long time. I think like that sometimes too. Not as much as I used to. I actually found it very liberating the first time I prayed for him. Somehow his name just appeared on the end of my list of people I was praying for. It shocked me so much I nearly fell out of bed!! But it made me feel better.

Letting go with love and compassion isn't easy but you may as well. You could be thinking about something much nicer than his sorry a....

love and hugs
kamary

My wasband didn't have an affair, and I believe the prostitutes he eventually sunk to are themselves victims, so I don't blame them for his addiction, or, more appropriately, his choice of actions. There's no "other woman" for me to vilify and delegate some responsibility to, so I can't speak with authority here, but I can't imagine not being hurt if/when I receive news of him committing the rest of his life to someone else, committing the life we were supposed to have together, to an interloper.
Although I wish him well, to get and stay healthy, I don't think I have come to wish him happiness yet. I want him to have peace, serenity, comfort and friends, but, I'm ashamed to say, I don't want him to be happier than I am, less lonely than I. I wish I could be that person, and someday, I hope to get there, but I'm not Jesus, and my love is, at times, conditional.
It's hard enough knowing that he can earn twice what I do, can afford our nice, if little, house, can afford to re-do the floors, the kitchen, the bath, all the things I wanted us to fix when we moved in 15 years ago, now that I'm gone! It's been a hard time letting those go, living in my small, dark, dated little condo, strapped for money. But, forgiving, accepting, giving it over to God, has saved my life in so many ways.
I'm a work in progress, as are we all. I believe the feelings are valid, and we are allowed to feel them, but for our own sakes, we need to strive and learn how to let them go so we can move on with our lives.
Big hug and thanks for rambling.... LOL I mean sharing..... !

My ex is planning to get married to the woman with whom he left me for 6 years ago and the thought of that hurts me very much. I echo much of what MNMama said. "Committing the rest of his life to someone else, committing the life we were supposed to have together" to this woman is very painful for me. I don't wish anything bad on my ex. In general I wish him well, but I don't want him to be happy in his new life with this woman. I know it is selfish, but it is the way I feel. It doesn't seem like they deserve to build their happiness on the pain they caused me and our children. I make a conscious effort to not dwell on it. Try to keep your focus on your life and happiness and let go of the need to see him unhappy. You have no control over his life and how happy he is or isn't so it is a waste of time to allow it to affect your peace of mind.

Moscato,
I can very much relate to both you and MNMama! Especially the part about deserving to build their happiness on the pain they caused to me and our children and grandchildren.

I am also trying to move on and not dwell on them and start to build my own life.

I agree with all the others, of course you needn't wish him happiness in his new life. We need to practice forgiveness,right? Move on. Wow, that's a tough one. I haven't forgiven, not sure I ever will. But forgiveness is a sticky issue for me, I just don't see it as an imperative instrument of healing that many here do. That's another topic/thread though....

Re the leopard not changing his spots idea, people not changing etc. I actually disagree. People change and grow and learn until they die. I believe this. Some don't show it, are just too damned stubborn to admit that the 'path' they were on, the choices they made,could have been bad or hurtful etc. I'm not talking about narcissists here,mind you, and it seems lots of the ex's on this board belong to that category. Just regular flawed people.

I've changed. I believe the ex has likely changed too. If it gives us divorced folks comfort to believe that they couldn't possibly be happy or faithful to someone else then...so be it. I actually don't believe that though. I think they can commit to someone else, have learned from the path of destruction they left behind in previous relationships. In fact, I think that it's a HUGE part of healing to accept that s/he may be happy and content after 'us' and that we will go on no matter how the ex's life moves forward. Sure there's a higher divorce rate with second marriages but...many make it. Doesn't change that the person was a terrible spouse to us. Doesn't change OUR reality. Now. So why should we care who they sleep with now? I don't mean to make light here...of course there are many more variables at play, financial being the biggest one of course. If a new spouse is enjoying 'our' old home, the benefits of a more free spending ex....well that stings of course.

I used to buy into the whole 'karma' thing, that we often tell each other on here, but honestly, at this stage, I'm not buying it anymore. I drank the kool aid and have often preached the 'he'll get his' notion to many a member here, especially new ones who are in a lot of pain. I may still do. It's comforting. But is it real? I wonder....

Sure, the aspects of 'his' personality that were rotten or mean or dishonest, they're likely not gone for good but......there's a good change that he learned a lesson and doesn't want to experience the horrors of separation/divorce again either. The path of ex's are human...much as we hate to admit ;)

Maybe that's MY version of forgiveness.....finally accepting that he's human too. Not excusing him but....accepting. And not 100% letting go of anger. It has it's place too.

Soooooo mbstone, I don't suppose my post is comforting (sorry) but I guess what I'm saying is: married,not married, living here or there experiencing this or that......it just doesn't define you and your happiness. Only you are the one living your life and making your own choices. It hurts to see him move on, commit to another woman, but you've learned the hard way that he was not a good man. No matter if he treats the new wife 'better' or is faithful....it doesn't change how he lived his life with you. He was a terrible husband. TERRIBLE. And now, lucky you, he is not your concern anymore.

Best advice I can think of is to acknowledge your feelings and move on. Your life is your life now. He can't hurt you anymore. He's NOT hurting you anymore. Don't let his reality affect yours. That's what I did...am still doing. I don't have all the answers here honey, just rambling myself! Heck, I'm still dealing with this same stuff myself!

Glad you could vent here and thanks for giving me the opportunity to ruminate myself! I often find my responses here therapeutic for me lol.....hugs!!!

oh my gosh did NOT realize that I wrote so much...apologies to those who struggled through and read. I often skip long rambling posts myself lol

Yes, hoping for "change" is humane and sweet. But I personally don't embrace many of society's optimistic approach once behavior is already hard-wired, skilled to perfection by adulthood, resistant, and having been validated with a past history. If anything, my advice is don't worry about wishing the worse for him or if he has changed. But rather what you might want is to rejoice that he can maintain his monetary divorce court orders for sure now that his newly acquired wife is available to contribute. So, let's hope she is willing to bend over backwards at all cost to make him happier even if he is capable of abuse with her as well! LOL!!!! Now, that is your blessing in disguise.

Iammine - your post was very thought-provoking. As far as change goes, I think that all people are capable of change, but not all people are willing to put in the effort it takes to make real change. I suspect that many of our ex's or at least the ones who left our marriages to jump into another relationship may not feel the need to change because they are happy where they're at. Many will bring the personal issues that may have contributed to the divorce into the next relationship. I agree with your statement that a true sign of healing is being able to move on in spite of the ex being happy and committed to another person.. I, too,don't believe in true "karma", but overall I believe that we do reap what we sow during the course of our lives.

Moscato, point taken re the ex's that jump right into another relationship not changing their stripes because there's no need to do so. I feel sure that this happens lots. I guess once our ex's becomes ex's, and we're no longer knowledgeable about their every day lives, we just can't be sure what their m/o's are anymore. We only know what they were, and how they acted with us.
Yep, studies show that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour; but as much as we like to cast our ex's as villains and scoundrels (most definitely are that!) they are still....human. And humans come in every way shape and form. And one book I know says that we were all created equal lol!

My ex has married his mistress...all the while he's claiming she was not the kind of woman who needed a ring and that she didn't want marriage...she's filling up her wedding Pinterest page!! LOL I did giggle a little bit on the inside when he said, "She doesn't need a ring, she's not into that" to which I replied, "You should probably check her wedding Pinterest page"....LOL

When she did finally get him to marry her, that day was very weird for me! My boys had to be in the ceremony but did not want to be a part of it... so I felt bad for them, worried that the oldest might actually make a scene.... I kind of felt numb...