what does it matter why?
he choose what he choose
what matters from this point forward is, where to you go from here

accept that you won't get closure
realize that if even if you did, you ares still here now

accept that you are going be hurting and screwed up inside for a bit
ACCEPT that that will pass

right now you probably think that is bullshit
or only for other people,
ok, so doubt, so think probably not for me

just be open enough to think, it is perhaps possible, very poor odds, but odds

thanks refurb. It's true. What does it matter? I think that somehow understanding that this is all him, that he is in a fog of some sort and will never probably come through somehow makes sense. The WAY in which things have unraveled in my life, so quickly, it's hard to not understand. I am not like others (how I wish I were) but I need SOME kind of understanding as to why this person became this way overnight. Does it make me feel better? NO. Nothing is going to make me feel better. My life as I have known it is over. The person I loved the most in the world and dedicated my life to has turned out to be the most heinous, cruel, nasty person I have ever known. So yes, it does matter, in some way to figure out why my life fell apart. We are all just trying to get through. If we knew the answer, how quickly we would cope and heal.

So, for the record, when the stbx is extremely vengeful, hateful and nasty, KNOWING it's a midlife crisis or he's a naracist helps me to say, it's not you. It's him or he's crazy.

you are not going to understand
i don't like telling you that
But, if I were your brother I would tell you true
the unfathomable cannot be fathomed, what follows is much more important for you to understand

and you very much misunderstand....(which most of do, as did i)

your life did not unravel, the trajectory of it has changed
unless you , the person & principles at your core have changed, your life has not unraveled

Refurb, you made me smile. You see I am the 4th of four girls. We have no brothers and my dead died when my mom was pregnant with me. We grew up with no man around because my mom never got remarried. I would have loved to have had a brother. I appreciate you saying you're giving me advice as a brother.
I will take it in the good way it is meant. I, intellectually, know what you say is true. I am working on it. I pray, I pray for the day when I get there.
You are a nice man for being honest.

thanks, you made my night, i;ll carry that into Monday

you are on to something when you can see "it" objectively, emotions do not follow logic, but they do listen to belief

let your emotions run, but make sure to think objectively when you can, you are still the person you always were, you have the same principles you always have had, sooner or later your emotions will listen to what they know to be true about you, and you won't be falling anymore

good people here, said similar to me, as they had been this type of s!@#storm
you will weather the storm, for now don't worry about believing it

((must been a hefty electric bill to heat the water for the shower in that home of 5 ladies!)

I understand what you are saying about understanding how your marriage unraveled the way it did. With understanding you can start making a new life for yourself. Try to leave the memories behind and make new ones. The why hurts a little less when you can put a name to the reason your life just blew apart.

I received my reason, my closure and it hurt terribly to know that the ex never really loved me. That reason put all the little pieces I never understood into perspective and allowed me to get that divorce. Yes, I cope much better without him in my life. It's also still sad that he cut off contact with our daughter and the grandkids. His problem and no longer mine.

My life didn't unravel. It just slowly got better without the ex always hiding the fact that he was the one causing problems. It is nice to know it was not us but them all along. It was never about me it was always about the ex.

I can tell you that your life hasn't unraveled. Things happen for a reason and a season. Your time with your stbx is over and time for you to shine and make a new life for yourself.

aw, refurb. I look back on the times with me and my sisters and my mom as the happiest time in my life. We were poor but never poor minded. We worked hard, prayed a lot and loved each other. None of us has one unkind bone in our body. Unfortunately not having experience with men has been difficult for all of us. My stbx's actions have been without doubt one of the cruelest lessons for my whole family. it's sad that he hurt not just me but my entire family, whom he hates. But after reading, I understand that he has to rationalize his actions and so he will turn anything good and positive into bad. The OW is offering a big extended family (well, I have that), so he has to rationalize why he would leave something he has. Well, my family doesn't have money to give for a down payment. He's a user. he thinks hers will do that. So, they have to make everything good bad. Refurb, I really, really like what you said that I am the same person. My values and beliefs are still there. I will remember this.
Trisha9054, always good reflections from you. AT the end of the day, answers will only give you so much. The hurt and betrayal are still there and we have to work on it. I pray the sadness will not be here every morning I get up.

Hello Pu,
Oh my dear…...…, its just not easy. All the ups and downs. All the "lost" feeling emotions. Its just not easy. Most of us here have
Experienced something similar to your feelings.
I can only suggest to you that you keep writing here on D&S. It helps and you will continue to get support.
I don't know if you have a therapist yet...…if not,....do so.
I want to say again ,what I said here on D&S recently because I think that its important to realise this.
The spouse that you knew is a different person now. He/she may look the same, bit that's all. Umfortumatly something changed them,,,,, their thinking, their logic, their morals ......and in many ways even their faith.. They think they're the same. They think that they did nothing wrong. They don't know much it hurts you.
They don't want to know!!!!!
Now, what we have ( the ones left behind). We have the old feelings......nothing has changed with us...... Soooooo, we have to endure all the pain and lost that goes with that. But know this...
Know that you did nothing wrong....you followed your vows .you can go on with your life with your head hi... You can look people in the eyes and say he was the fool that left.... I did nothing wrong ..... Bottom line....God knows the truth.....all you have to do is please God and eventually good will come..
Say to yourself : I will go on..... I WILL make it through this because I did nothing wrong and God will show me the way. I know why I'm crying...I know why it hurts..... ITS BECAUSE IM A LOVING CARING PERSON THAT DID NOTHING WRONG....BUT, BUT, I WILL GO ON TO EVEN BE A BETTER. PERSON THEN I WAS.***ITS MY LIFE TO DO AND LIVE IT THE WAY I CHOOSE***
I MAY NOT HAVE CONTROL ON THE OLD MEMORIES , BUT I DO HAVE CONTROL ON MY FUTURE. I CHOOSE TO GO ON...I CHOOSE TO FOLLPW GODS WAYS....AND EXCEPT HIS HEALING POWER.
Day by day....... Bob

I wanted to badly to understand why. to diagnose the problem. Because if we knew why, we could fix it, right????And that's what we really want. I would get so frustrated in counseling sessions when he would say over and over "I don't know why I cheat.. I don't want to, but I can't stop.". I wanted to tear my hair out because it didn't make sense to me. But I finally realized this was his problem and there was nothing I could to to fix it or understand it or change it. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, maybe it's something else, but what it means is, my marriage is over and I am not him. I can choose to move on. and so can you Picking up. Seriously, I mean it, you are going to start having more good days. Take the good days, the good moments as they come. Try not to dwell on HIM. Dwell on YOU. You are good and worth your own attention! Hugs.

I agree with cmonge. In the beginning I read everything I could on mid life crisis...he fit the descriptions to the T...right down to buying that sports car. In hind sight I believe I too was trying to get a diagnosis so I could fix it. I mean..with a diagnosis that means there is a cure...right??? Maybe he could take a pill or maybe time will help work it out of his system..or maybe I could change to fit his needs...then he would value me again.

I am divorced twice to the same man...that pretty much says it all. All the crap that happened that caused the divorce the first time happened to cause the 2nd divorce only by 10 times worse. He changed and there was no going back. I learned that you can not unlearn or unexperience what happened. The term mid life crisis is just a nicer way of saying...H/W...wants out of the marriage at what ever the cost and there is nothing anyone can do about it...Big Hugs...Kathy

dairytech - your story sounds like mine - married twice to the same man - dumped twice in the same traumatic way. Both times my ex had another woman already picked out and was courting her for a whole year prior.

I think that's what we all want - to FIX things. I am a caregiver - always looking for ways to fix things for everybody else - now that I need to fix my own issues I am at a loss and feel overwhelmed.

I think the hardest part is realizing I based my own value on what he thought of me and my life's goal was to make his life as stress-free and easy for him as possible - no thought to what I wanted at all.

I believe that's why we have such a hard time when they suddenly want out - we feel we have done everything for them. It's really a sick way to have any relationship. That's not what love is supposed to be about! The issue lies within ourselves - our inability to be in a place of equal footing in the relationship. I think that's why we have such a hard time dealing with the breakup.

Lots to deal with - while they seem to go on their merry way without a hitch.

Mid-life crisis could be part of the answer - but there is something inherently wrong with someone who can treat another so badly. Nothing we have done could ever justify the hate and disgust with which they treat us.

Hopeless73, your post says a lot that I have been thinking about. There is something in me that makes me be a doormat. In the beginning, my stbx did so much for me too. The problem is remembering a time when he was good. The truth is he wanted out because he found someone else. Regardless of midlife crisis, exit affair or whatever, if he truly loved me, he could not walk away from me. We didn't have issues that physical abuse or addiction. Sadly, he added full blown affair to the list but he wanted out. He found a way. I am so crushed. Crying again like an idiot on the train. The truth is I am going forward. yesterday, I had an interview with Teach for America. Today, I saw a great job that I want to work on. As for the phd, I think my advisor is ready to give me the boot but I will face that tomorrow. I am getting up and going but my heart, it feels like he will always own it. I guess maybe I should work on acceptance. If he will always have my heart, perhaps I should accept whatever comes my way will be different. And kind. I just wish for kind. Praying again. it is what it is. This will be my condition for a long time.

Just know there are others who share your struggle, PU - and trying to get through one day at a time.

Remember this - "Just because someone is in your heart doesn't mean they should be in your life."

We are loving, sensitive and caring people. If we weren't we would be able to just stop loving them. I think this is a wonderful attribute. We just need to make sure the person we let into our heart deserves to be there.

I plan on making better choices for myself in the future if and when I ever have another relationship. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my self-esteem and surround myself with positive people who value me.

Stay positive and stay focused on your goals. You deserve to be happy!

Hopeless,
What you wrote is so true. Thanks for the words of encouragement to PU because everyone can get comfort from them. I wish you the best as well.
Hugs,
Donna

Yes, understanding deals with your having empathy, it's a sweet thing for the other person. However, understanding does not give authorization of misconduct. Yes, assigning a diagnostic disorder might help validate your senses. Yes, there is NOTHING you can do about your stbx character flaw nor his choice of action.

"Fallout's " obviously are meant to create an effect of outcome mostly of harm. It is your mission to keep your stbx fallout to a minimum. I suggest you to take a mega dose of "self- preservation" to protect yourself to ensure your survival. Refining your personal relational boundary settings will help renew your expectations. The old ineffective boundaries you did not enforce are thrown out and new ones are modified. We learn to do better. Keep up the good work.