Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I went to my last mediation appt yesterday. It was essentially to sign but once there the stbx started subtly changing some of our agreements. The whole thing was very confusing and at one point I became very angry when he said he would spend more time with his baby (we\'ve just started a visitation schedule) if his girlfriend could be there!! I was very upset and couldn\'t really focus. The mediator gave us a break and the stbx and I went and talked a little during which time he told me that he and his girlfriend were going to move in together. He also told me that he knew he messed up and didn\'t treat his wife right and now he\'s going to make sure he does it the right way (with his mistress). I started to say that as the wife, I didn\'t want to hear about how much more he was going to invest in his new relationship when he cut me off and said that I was \"Not his wife!\" Just because if was on paper didn\'t mean anything. Needless to say, I was devastated all the rest of the day. During our talk he also kept bringing up the children and how they didn\'t like his new relationship because of my feelings and otherwise they were all for it. Well, today I decided to have a chat with them (son 8yrs, daughter 12 yrs). I didn\'t want put them in the middle but he was telling me things that were the opposite of what the kids were telling me.
So I sat down with them and found out that first, he\'s already moved in with the whore and even the kids have told him they do not want to live even half time with them. They said they would do weekends but not 50% as we\'ve been doing. I\'m at a loss. I don\'t want to force the kids to go there but I don\'t know what to do. Our settlement conference is next week so I don\'t have a lot of time and I don\'t even know if there\'s anything I can do at this point.
I\'m pissed that he didn\'t tell me he already moved in with her for all intensive purposes and now my children who don\'t want to, have to live with the whore!
I\'m having such a hard time accepting that we are over and he is in love with someone else. My mind and my heart just won\'t go there and because of it I can\'t move on!! He has done horrible things to me, he has said horrible things to me and I have every right to despise him, but I don\'t, even after all this time!! As some of you already know, he is the poster child of asswipes everywhere and I still can\'t let go. I truly with all my heart and all my soul believed in him and I still hold out hope even when it\'s impossible for any kind of reconciliation to occur! How do I move on? How do I accept that he is with her and it\'s not just a fling he\'s going to get over and come back home? I\'m battling depression and fighting to get up in the morning, only doing so because of the kids, but I don\'t want to live this way. It seems like when things start to go in the right direction I get hit with stuff like this and I\'m back on my ass again! I\'m finding it very hard to find the strength to keep going!! How much can one person take? By the way, he missed the first two visitations altogether and I had to initiate the 3rd one for the baby! He really has shown no interest in the baby and even has the kids thinking that I\'m preventing him from seeing her!!! I just want to scream!!!! I want this to be over !!!!! I want to stop this nonsense and go on with our lives like we planned!!!! Help me!! It\'s been over a year and I\'m on med, go to therapy and do all the things I\'m told to do.... Nothing helps!!!
So I sat down with them and found out that first, he\'s already moved in with the whore and even the kids have told him they do not want to live even half time with them. They said they would do weekends but not 50% as we\'ve been doing. I\'m at a loss. I don\'t want to force the kids to go there but I don\'t know what to do. Our settlement conference is next week so I don\'t have a lot of time and I don\'t even know if there\'s anything I can do at this point.
I\'m pissed that he didn\'t tell me he already moved in with her for all intensive purposes and now my children who don\'t want to, have to live with the whore!
I\'m having such a hard time accepting that we are over and he is in love with someone else. My mind and my heart just won\'t go there and because of it I can\'t move on!! He has done horrible things to me, he has said horrible things to me and I have every right to despise him, but I don\'t, even after all this time!! As some of you already know, he is the poster child of asswipes everywhere and I still can\'t let go. I truly with all my heart and all my soul believed in him and I still hold out hope even when it\'s impossible for any kind of reconciliation to occur! How do I move on? How do I accept that he is with her and it\'s not just a fling he\'s going to get over and come back home? I\'m battling depression and fighting to get up in the morning, only doing so because of the kids, but I don\'t want to live this way. It seems like when things start to go in the right direction I get hit with stuff like this and I\'m back on my ass again! I\'m finding it very hard to find the strength to keep going!! How much can one person take? By the way, he missed the first two visitations altogether and I had to initiate the 3rd one for the baby! He really has shown no interest in the baby and even has the kids thinking that I\'m preventing him from seeing her!!! I just want to scream!!!! I want this to be over !!!!! I want to stop this nonsense and go on with our lives like we planned!!!! Help me!! It\'s been over a year and I\'m on med, go to therapy and do all the things I\'m told to do.... Nothing helps!!!
As far as your settlement conference next week - talk to you lawyer. I don't think you have to sign anything you are not comfortable with. Nothing is done until it has your signature on it.
I wish I had all the wisdom in the world to help you where the kids are concerned. It seems at 8 and 12 they should have some sort of say with the judge. If I were you I would request that they have a conference with the judge BEFORE the final custody arrangements are made. Maybe that will help. He SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED to subject them to his mistress when they don't want to live part time with her, only him.
As far as your letting go - for your own health you must. As hard as it is, and believe me I've been there, you have to accept that it is truly over. I don't say this to be mean, I say it to try and help you understand there is nothing you can do to get him back. Unfortunately he has already moved on and moved in with the OW. Is this right - absolutely NOT. But I keep telling myself, it is what it is.
He is not worthy of you anyway. You deserve so much more from life. You have made it this far and you can make it on your own. You are already proving that now.
Letting go and accepting is a process only you can do. Little by little, step by step, day by day. If you would, try to wake up each day and before you get out of bed say to yourself, "today I will let him go just a little bit more". Remember all the horrible things he has done to you - do you really want that monster back? Or is it the "happily ever after" dream that you are holding on to?
I will pray for your strength to get to the acceptance stage. Once you get there a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you WILL start feeling so much better.
I encourage you to talk to your lawyer about the kids and the OW. Gain strength and courage from knowing that your kids will love you unconditionally forever and they already have placed conditions on his love.
Stay strong. You deserve more than he will ever be able to give you. Hugs and love.
Look, I know you are hurting and this is hell to go through, but I would bet, if you were honest with yourself and really looked at him for who he is now (a lying, cheating, SOB) you would not like the man who he is now. He is still married and living with another woman and exposing his children to that! That is NOT appropriate! I am not yelling at you...just wanting you to get that message loud an clear! He is in the wrong! Would you honestly ever be able to trust him again? When he was late for dinner, or a trip to the store takes longer than it should,...where will your mind go and could you live without that trust and be happy? Can you live with someone treating you so poorly and be happy? You do NOT deserve this kind of treatment! Your children do not deserve this kind of treatment!
We are here for you! You know that! Lean on us and family/friends and stand up for yourself and your children! He is not the man you love!
Huge hugs to you!
We all care so much for you and your children. Really! Please talk to us and know you are not alone. Lean on us and we are willing to do all we can. Let me know if there is anything we can do to support and comfort you. Stay strong! Much Love to you!
Also, check the age in your state at which a judge would be interested in a child's opinion re: where s/he lives. It varies by state, but 12 is often the point at which their word is noteworthy in court. The weight the judge gives it also varies by state/district/judge. Ask your lawyer what is common in your area.
You do *NOT* have to agree with this mediation! You make the kids' feelings your bottom line, if you want to, and STICK to it. Either he'll cave or it will go before a judge... also, listen to your lawyer *if* he is good, but don't go against your heart.
Speaking of heart, don't let your pain let him run over you! You still feel ambivalent, but he's moved on and shows NO concern for you and the kids whatsoever. He is another Selfish Passive-Aggressive Manipulator as described by others here, and he will USE anything he can, lie, etc. to hurt you or get what he wants. DEFEND YOURSELF and your KIDS!! Mama Bear, rise up.
ALSO, ask your lawyer and check into whether judges will rule in favor of "NO unmarried sleepovers." A judge DID do this for me, and saved my kids from having to see their dad and Ho in bed together for a few visits (although she still showed up first thing in morning until last thing at night, as she was living there). If you are considering ever wanting to have unmarried sleepovers yourself in future, then don't get this clause, as he could marry the Ho and then it only applies to you (mine did this, but I don't care as I don't want to expose my kids to boyfriends anyway).
Okay. I hope those are helpful. Please know you are not the only woman who's been treated this awful way, and I'm so so sorry you're going through it.
I met a friend 13 years go going through this with 2 young children... her ex was a serial adulterer and he continues to cheat on his second wife ever since; the kids are teens, and basically do not enjoy their fatherly visits, but he's drug them through 3 custody battles and so on. Unfortunately, it's only really over when the children are 18, or the Dad gets so bored with them he fades.
Your own good behavior, good reputation, good witnesses, and DOCUMENTATION of his faults will be your best resources.
God be with you. Hugs,
L
Did you get court ordered parenting classes? I can tell you this, no visitations are going to include any live in whatever they are women, if you do not want that. YOU can insist on that. Custody and vistation are tied together. The settlement conference is a conference, nothing more. If you are not in agreement, you do not agree. My ex and I, my lawyer and his, only negotiated one thing at a settlement conference.. the house. I did not even see him he was so angry, we were in seperate conference rooms.. our other issues, paper exchanged, offers, and I said no, no and no again, per my attorney.
Talk this over with your attorney. And the age of consent to visit does vary, but I have been in family court and seen 13 year olds on the stand, and you do not want to do that unless you have to. Do you have a guardian ad lieum for your children ordered by the court? This has nothing to do with your parental rights, it is a 3rd party that is looking out for only the childrens interests in a divorce.
And take care of yourself, you will get through this, and I hope you have a therapist, that is the best objective help you can do for yourself and your children. I hope this helps. I feel your pain, this is a mess all around, for all of us here.
I want you to consider something. To do mediation properly, there has to be a great deal of trust, and your stbx has already lied to you about his living arrangements with the ow. So I would be very careful before I signed off on anything in mediation. I would also bring it up in mediation that he lied to you about this; perhaps use it to your advantage. And if your kids are uncomfortable with the living arrangements, express that during mediation. They should have a voice in what's happening and if they don't want to live with him and ow 50% of the time they shouldn't have to. Custody arrangements can always be changed later on if the kids decide they want more time with their dad.
Please talk to your attorney immediately. Let him/her know how depressed you are--this could be affecting your decision making skills; therefore, let the lawyer be your mouthpiece. Don't sign anything you don't agree with.
The others who posted are right: At some point you have to move to acceptance. He is gone, he loves another, it's over. I know it is achingly sad, but why would you want to be with someone who treats you this way? Whenever I get sad about my stbx choosing someone else over me, I remember all of his lies, verbal/emotional abuse, criticisms, etc. And believe me, my tears dry up real fast.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. You will get there.
Many hugs coming your way. These meetings just drain me. I have a few this week.
Ignore him when he starts to sling mud. MsTerey said to let them rant and calmly look at them and ask if they are done yet. LOL They must feel like a little child throwing a temper tantrum.
I know what you are going through. They want us to except what they did because they don't want to take responsibility for breaking up the family. They want us to be one big happy family so what if you were rejected and hurt. Its all about him.