Chrissy - I wish I could help you, but I really have no idea what to expect for you. I'm sure that many here will be able to give you all the information you need. Even with attorneys involved, I couldn't tell you much about procedure in a divorce. For me it's a day by day adventure.

Just be careful. Sitting with him is scary in it self. Guard your heart and use your head. When you don't have an answer or you're not sure about something - wait. Take the time you need to think it out. Don't make any hasty decisions. This is your life in the balance here. If he shows a gentle kindness when you're discussing these issues, accept the kindness, but don't let that be the course of your handling things in a business like manner. We're all push overs and givers here. That makes for a better world, but it's sometimes us who suffer in the long run. Don't take your generous soul with you - just the fair soul. Think of only you, your children and your future. Not him. I don't say that shallowie, it is what it is. If he says your requests will make it hard on him (which any request may be), just remember that this whole thing is even harder on you and your family. This is what he wanted. There is just no way that it's going to be easy on anyone - much less him. And, should it be? This stuff all comes with the territory of his choice. Again, I don't mean that you should take him over the coals - I just don't feel you should be short changed because he's smiling at you. We love(ed) these people very much - it's so easy to kind in heart for us. Just be fair and balanced. Strong. Good luck to you - I'll be thinking of you in thought and prayers.

I've never been through mediation but I believe you will need all the financial documents so that you both know where you stand when it comes to support. My STBX and I are doing our divorce through the military. You have to agree on everything. If you don't than you have to go out and get lawyers. In our packets it stated that we needed to provide paperwork on our bank accounts, house, cars, paychecks, 401s, credit card statements and I may be forgetting some other paperwork. Maybe you can call to see what you need but don't be surprised if your STBX "forgets" to bring documents.

Hey..My situation I am sure is much different then yours, butI did do the mediation thing.. He got everything except, I got custody of my girls..Which was and IS the most important thing, then I got an old 1990 car with almost 200 thousand miles, a house that was built in the 1960s and is falling apart, and 200.00 child support. You see the asshole never worked. He got money from his parents and that is how he lived. So ACTUALLY nothing was really HIS for us to split, it was all in his parents name. Even tho I worked 60 plus hours every week and paid for all our day to day expenses, and kept the house and eveything going, and put up with his abuse. He and his parents and the lawyers all sold me out. I wish I had NOT done any form of mediation. I would have been much better with the judge. As I said my situation was much different then yours is, but I will tell you that was the worst day of the whole divorce thing. I will NEVER forget it. To look across the table at that man who I had loved and cared about and was the focus of my life, and his parents who I had loved like my own and had looked after and done everything for!! and they basically tell me that me and the girls were worth nothing!! The last 25 years were worth nothing... They are very wealthy and could have easily at least given me a roadworthy car and enough childsupport to make sure my kids have lunch money and clothes.. Honestly it was by far the worst day yet...So hopefully you will have been much smarter then I was and actually have assets to split..I wish you the best of luck..Prayers for you..J

I totally agree with Nanc and Going on. I do not know how it is now but I was divorced in '81 when my boys were little. I know I did mess myself and my kids up by being "kind & fair". I left visitation open and child support lower than lawyer wanted. He had told me he would help with clothing, we can work it out. Boy Never Again! May be going thru this with different man and a different stage of life but I certainly did learn that . Of course in a short time visitation became a scheduling problem and no clothes either. He had agreed to help with nursery school never a dime. Then he got out of work and not a dime of child support nor would he watch kids while I worked. I tried to get him to keep life insurance on boys but that was not enforceable then. He was to pay Dr.,dental & Medicine on boys. Can't tell you how many times he would not pay me back on that. I got the house and car and most of the furniture. Of course I was paying for it all and half of other loans but it sure didn't look that way when he told everyone she got everything. Less than a year later even though we were divorced he was not paying his Jeep payment and the bank came back and made me pay. I said I am not responsible for that. Didn't matter my name was on the loan also since we took it out being married at that time.
When it finally came down to it I took on a second job after owning and running a full daycare. So then I had to take him back to court to get back support and of course upset & attorney fee. Ask for more support and scheduled visits. Received what was back owed but judge said no more support as I was able to make it. OF Course I'm working from 5 am till 10 pm at 2 jobs to do it. Didn't matter. Everything else (clothes, schooling, etc. plus he said he gave me money when he didn't) didn't matter as he say she say. From then on you bet support I made him pay through court for a record.
I know none of this pertains to me now and not much to your situation but This is just an example of being "fair & caring." You never know what will happen in the future. I sure could not see 9 years down the road my sons would go to my ex's and 5 months later 1's life would be over, he turned the other against me (I am still am dealing with close to 20 years later.) No life insurance for son plus he took them for tax deductions and threatened to make me child support.
I did not write this to be about my past experience and me but to show you have to do everything by the book. You do not know what will happen just a short time down the road. I have worked at a job since I was 14 and started owned and ran 4 different businesses. Who would think I would never work again at age 41. It is no one fault yet I and all of you have given half our lives to be now struggling to figure out what we do now and how to make it. They say to hide money. I am planning to do this but even that I struggle with as morals of stealing and not being "fair". I know I will ask for as much as I can get. And then it will not be enough to make it. Unless you are in Hollywood I do not see million dollar alimony's. As a matter of fact not lifetime alimonies. As a matter of fact my state has NO alimony but maintenance for just 2 years.

Hi Chrissy, so you won't actually see a mediator on Fri. That's good. Make a list of what you think is fair and see how stbx reacts maybe then you'll get a better idea of how mediation will benefit you. Definitely cheaper. You will have a heads-up if he is going to be fair to you and your children. I think I would have the same feelings as j2w. I am not sure I could look at his face without leaping over table and punching it. I was just hurt so badly for so long by stbx. Good luck with your meeting on Fri. You'll have a better idea what to do. Thinking of you.

I went through mediation about one year ago. I do have facilitator training and even with that was nervous. Do not be. It was not court ordered, I suggested it once, and the stbx out of frustration got them involved and we paid 150.00 each, it was a Meditation Center, with volunteers, could be a retired judge or just a layperson. United Way supported. My neighbors mother volunteers there, and although I like her, she is a dip. So that was the range of expertise. Our courts use this place. My therapist kept telling me that because I am a good negotiator, smarter than the ex I would be fine... and I was, and so can you. Check out the place that is doing the mediation, I asked if I could see the credentials of whom was going to be our mediators. I could not, and I pointed out on the phone that 2 people that I did not know, and could not pick were going to help mediate and decide my future, financially. What kind of system was this? I did that to put them on the offense, and we ended up with the director and a retired lawyer... probably because I was someone that resisted when I got the stbx's letter and put the center on notice I was not going to roll over and die for them. They really have no authority, it is your life and your divorce. DO not forget this key point. They are not judge!

I held the ex off for a week or two also, the center director called me twice and said what was I going to do. I pointed out this was voluntary, I was thinking it over and I would get back to them. I had not hired my attorney yet, though he and I had about 3 hours of phone time in... ex did not have an attorney. Remember, you know him better than anyone else, and you can use this to your advantage. My attorney said worth a try and I said IF nothing else I would get a preview of what he was willing to give... showing his cards so to speak. Look at it that way. This is a tool to get what you want.

Do some research on mediation styles. Google it. Nothing is binding in mediation and the mediatiors can not be called in to testify in a trial, divorce or otherwise. Check and make sure that is the case in your situtation. The only report that would go to the court and the judge was that we either reached an agreement or we did not. I had our taxes, my budget and all the typewritten settlements we had been exchanging back and forth. I brought my "gun" a calculator. Lay that on the table, you mean business. Try not to get emotional. I stuck to business, he got emotional and said I did not deserve anything, they reasoned with him. When he unloaded on me, I sat there, listened and said, all right now that you got that off your chest, I suggest we stick to the settlement. I packed up twice and said this was non productive... ( I was not really leaving, this is a technique if things are not productive) I was never angry, indignant yes. They had me wait outside once or twice while they talked to him. In the end, after 5 hours, we could not agree on the main point, the investments. He would not listen even when they told him that the investments were 50/50.

We were going to leave and I said Would not it be productive to write down the items we DO agree on? I should not have had to do that, basic mediation technique. We at least got something out of this..

I left and the ex and I talked a bit in the parking lot, He told me that this was the settlement offer he was going to send in to the court, which was due in 10 days along with the financial disclosure. HE had his underwear all in a bundle over this, as we were doing this ourselves and he is very anal. He got in his car to drive the 30 miles downtown to his apartment. I went home and UNBELIEVABLE I pick up the phone ( I was not taking any calls from him at this point) and there he is whining about a point we agreed on. That did it, I told him he already was pulling things back on items we agreed on. I hung up, dialed my lawyer and said, you're on, the court date is a month away, Dec21. That took the whole load off me, We had been doing this ourselves, or rather I was. Hiring my attorney, and he is the greatest was the best thing I did, I felt the load lift immediately.

I got everything I needed in the divorce. I was fair and reasonable. I got maintenance until I am 62. Non modifable. I blindsided him by hiring my lawyer. Too bad, My ex always wanted it both ways, when I did a deal or negotiated something in the last 27 years I was wonderful smart blah blah... otherwise I was a leech and a dumb housewife... HE should have known better, he should have known I am all business. GO in with the attitude you will win. IT will not hurt anything to try it.

> This is business, try not to get emotional. If he unloads and goes off topic, say nothing and ask Are you done? On to the point... B
> Do not be a nice girl as these mediators have no real power. This is your life and money, your future.
> Do not sign a thing. My first statement was that no matter if we agreed 100% on a setttlement, I was going to pay a lawyer a flat fee to look over all my paperwork...THEY were all for that.
> You can do this, all I had to
> If things get tense, or you do not know what to do, or feel attacked, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom whatever. This is called diffusing. It stops whatever is going on.
> Do some research. Have an idea what you want. Write down a list. First rule of bargaining, always ask for more than you need so you have something to "concede" something you do not want.. I did not want his drums, I threw them in the pile..
> Always keep in mind this is your life. Your future and your money. Believe me, we got this close to trial, and am I glad I held out for the couple hundred more a month I get..right now it makes a difference.
> If you have a lawyer, talk to him/her. Do not sign anything, ask for a copy, take it with you. You can always return it and file it with the court.

Sorry this is so long, This is important> YOU and all of you can do this!

Chrissy:

Here are some things you have to think about. He has to leave you on his life insurance as beneficiary. He can take out a new one too. In the event of his death you have to get your maintenance and pay for college and weddings etc.

Retirement packages to be split. Any and all assets are split.

Disguss health insurance for you and children. Car insurance for children, who pays cell phones, college, books, car payments or repairs, gas for children. Legally, they don't have to help children when they are 18. Now is the time to get this down while they are feeling guilty.

You are having a sit down with him, correct? Will there be a mediator present? If not, don't talk about the marriage. At our meeting several weeks ago he was saying no to everything I wanted. I was getting angry and asked him if he used a condom while he was having his affairs? LOL As you can imagine the meeting took a nose dive. He called me several days later and requested another meeting. I swore nothing would get to me. He made me mad a few times and I kept picturing the condom earings dangling from his ears and had to struggle not to laugh. He told me that what he does with his life was none of my business. I didn't say a word or even kick him.

Pretend this is a business partner who is someone you used to know. Your maintenance is going to be the biggest thing on the table. If you want to go back to college, now is the time to get that in.

Mediators will want tax returns, value of automobiles, retirement plans and things like that. My therapist/mediator told me she has some people that it gets so heated she has to keep them separated. His first several offers to you will be awful. Expect that. One thing the judge put in mine and I never thought of is if he dies I get left his remaining half of his retirement plan. I have to leave him my half if I die first too. She didn't say I should leave my half to him but his lawyer threw a fit and I just said fine.

Sorry for getting off topic. Tell your husband that I'm into legal fees of over $50,000.00 (between the 2 of us) and we're getting very close now. I went to my therapist/mediator before I wrote what I wanted. The judge is recommending that he gives me that. It is very fair to both of us but when it comes to parting with "their" money it gets ugly. We could have saved the money if he would have just listened to me and been fair.

Good luck and stay calm.

Me and X did mediation. I found the person after he filed the divorce papers and obviously had no clue what he was doing and left tons of things off of the paperwork.

Anyway, I came fully prepared. I wrote down everything regarding our finances (shared and seperate). They will want to know your salary, have in your 401ks, regular bank accounts, savings accounts, auto information (year, make, if you owe any money on them and also look up the kelly blue book value on them for resale). I also took in copies of our mortgage and copies of our bank statements from the date of seperation.

Be prepared for anything finacial. Also you may want to take an inventory of your home (furniture etc...). In our case we just put that we would handle splitting up our household items when we sell the house (I think I'll take it all - haha).

If you have minor children, you will need to discuss visitations, work out holiday visits and summer vacations. You should also review the information for your state on what is the usual support for minor children (there is probably a calculator online for your state that will give you an amount based on his salary).

Take it is home before you sign it and sleep on it for a few days, you may remember some other things you want to add or change.

Good luck to you, it will be hard. I held it together pretty good, with the exception of when the mediator left the room and I was left alone with X and broke down. Then again when I left the office, I couldn't make it out the door without crying at the loss of my marriage and the man who I loved so much.

Wishing you the best of luck - be strong !!!

I just saw Ms.Terrys answer and I agree with that too. I didn't go high on what I wanted and stbx is feeling cornered because I won't give in on anything. I'm going to have to let my great Chicago White Sox tickets go because he is really digging his heels in on those.

Chrissy -

I went through mediation in Michigan. Give me a call or let me know when I can call - and I'll fill you in - god only knows I don't want you to hit the same pitfalls I did.

There's a good book which might be helpful to you in this situation, called "The Divorce Organizer and Planner". It has a lot of good advice, lists of information you might need, etc. It was a great help to me when I needed to be rational and businesslike in an emotional period of time. I think the author is Brett McWhorter Sember but I'm not completely sure on that. Good luck, in any case.

Chrissy, I went through mediation and I agree with whoever said that it was the toughest day during all the divorce proceedings. I felt bullied by my ex and the retired attorney who was doing the mediating. We had a list of things we each wanted and met separately with the mediator back and forth all day long. It was emotionally very draining and I cried all the way through it. Don't be talked into something you are not sure about. They all wanted me to sign the agreement that day and I refused on grounds that I wanted my attorney to look at it first. It did save us a lot of money--but it was a very difficult process. Stand your ground, be strong and know what you want and where you are willing to compromise a little. Even if you come to an agreement that day, feel free to change anything at anytime before it's signed by both of you, take plenty of time to think about it and get others to look at it for you. Good luck sweetie, I'll keep you in my prayers--you can do this, you are strong and smart. Just imagine all of us there, holding your hand and cheering you on!