Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I'm trying to conjure up some of those good feelings I had a few days ago - I sure could use them right now. Had a major meltdown this morning... complete with gut wrenching sobbing...
Today's trigger was finding out that someone who I thought was a good friend lied to me about them moving far away. So much for "being there for me". This was a life-long friend who recently went through some major life changes and I was there the whole time, listening and supporting. And now when it's my turn I get lied to. I don't trust easily and when someone outright lies it's just devastating to me. Lying is a deal breaker. I would rather be hurt by the truth than hurt by a lie. I guess this is one of those "you find out who your friends really are" moments. I never ask for more than I would be willing to give someone else.. it's that whole "do unto others" thing that I firmly believe in. I just feel betrayed....
I did get a little relief... another friend happened to call at the tag end of my meltdown.. came and got me and we did some window shopping. But now I'm home alone and the tears are starting again. I'm really at the bottom of that roller coaster right now. The xanax isn't working like it normally does.
I know this heartbreak will ease with time.. time... it moves too slowly sometimes. There's a lesson here.. I hope I can remember it when I get out of this funk...maybe it's just a reminder that the only one I can ever really count on is myself. You'd think at 51 yrs old I'd be able to remember that. Have never really had anyone I could completely rely on..and when I do open up a little, I get stomped on. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down...glad I get to see the therapist on Monday.
I know... "now is not forever"... Thank God for that...
Today's trigger was finding out that someone who I thought was a good friend lied to me about them moving far away. So much for "being there for me". This was a life-long friend who recently went through some major life changes and I was there the whole time, listening and supporting. And now when it's my turn I get lied to. I don't trust easily and when someone outright lies it's just devastating to me. Lying is a deal breaker. I would rather be hurt by the truth than hurt by a lie. I guess this is one of those "you find out who your friends really are" moments. I never ask for more than I would be willing to give someone else.. it's that whole "do unto others" thing that I firmly believe in. I just feel betrayed....
I did get a little relief... another friend happened to call at the tag end of my meltdown.. came and got me and we did some window shopping. But now I'm home alone and the tears are starting again. I'm really at the bottom of that roller coaster right now. The xanax isn't working like it normally does.
I know this heartbreak will ease with time.. time... it moves too slowly sometimes. There's a lesson here.. I hope I can remember it when I get out of this funk...maybe it's just a reminder that the only one I can ever really count on is myself. You'd think at 51 yrs old I'd be able to remember that. Have never really had anyone I could completely rely on..and when I do open up a little, I get stomped on. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down...glad I get to see the therapist on Monday.
I know... "now is not forever"... Thank God for that...
When im down i try to remember the whole now is not forever thing also, it is of some comfort.
(((hugsss)))
When I'm in the middle of a rough time, I do forget that "now is not forever." Good for you for remembering that.
Also remember that there are people around who are reliable and don't lie. You are one of those people. You were there for this person. That still counts.
((hugs))
Dairytech - I really like that "weeding out the weeds" - that's so appropriate.
Funny thing, I guess I got so used to being lied to by my stbx for so long that I was numb to it. But being lied to by this friend really hurt me very deeply. Guess it shows I do still have some feelings in there somewhere. Maybe not the ones I want right now - but I'm hopeful that they will get replaced with good ones as time goes by.
Well.. it's after 3 am where I am and I suppose I really should get to bed. Hopefully the sleep aid will kick in soon - I had to go to work for a while tonight and couldn't take it until I got home. Here's hoping things look way better tomorrow!!
Hope things get better....sooner than later.
Neo
As to friends and situations with others, I believe divorce or not, you in life have this type of loss of a friend, because many times people are not what they seem. Divorce often magnifies situations, because you are alone or feel that way. For me, as I am so strong and supportive, I feel some friends could not help me when I was in need and alone because they did not know what to do for support for me on the needing end. Others were there 100 percent! Knowing that you have to rely on yourself is key in moving on. A big step. Divorce is often not just breaking away from your spouse, it is also a new relationships and finding out what you want now! A BIG HUG, and I know you this will pass. My therapist is the one that told me "Now is not forever" which I pass on.. but believe me, many a time I said to him, well I am damm sick of NOW! HUGS
Lynne
If they needed an ear I was there, if they needed some info and I knew the answer I was there. Not pushy, but quietly polite and tactful. I guess I needed someone to allow me to feel like I was useful and helping.
I made the mistake of letting the one read one of my journals. I had never written anything but a grocery list and on another site I was told how good my writing was. How could it be any good when I only wrote grocery lists? She read what I had written and in this tight little girl voice told me she had tried writing and just couldn't and that my journal was good. That tight soft little girl voice bothered me. When I was going thru this last court hearing and I won.. I wanted to share my good news with friends. Again I heard that tight little girl voice as she said great but she was busy and would call me later. I never really ever heard from her again. She no longer had time for me.
All you can do when this happens is pick yourself up and start over. I had made the mistake of taking her at face value. Once again, too trusting. I was her friend for a reason and a season and when that reason and season was over so was I. So, I'm picking myself up and thinking about starting over. It's hard when you live like I do. i think my close friends will be my two horses Joe and Zee.
It's great that you have a horse to hug.... our animals are so important no matter their size. My little 8lb girl is my lifeline sometimes. They give us unconditional love, don't really care who did what to who and help keep us grounded. In the end as long as their basic needs are met, all is right with the world. And some days that's good enough, meet your basic needs and tomorrow is another day. It will get better.
In this process, your life is going to change--new friends will enter, old friends will leave--it's not always easy; it's just the way it is.
And don't worry about the meltdown--they are a necessary part of the healing process.
Hugs!!!