Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
This was post from pgamble on the Breakups and Divorce site this morning. I thought it would be useful here too.
He wrote....
I don't know where I got this. Probable posted here by another member.
But thought it might be time to share it again.
Teresa broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and whilst the feeling of being heart broken had disappeared she was still in a lot of pain. Like many of the single people I coach Teresa was often caught out by her feelings of loneliness. It really came to a head for her on January 1st at about 2am in the morning. What she found to be especially painful was the fact that sheâ??d just spent the last 6 hours partying with her favorite friends after a day on the ski slopes with them.
Loneliness is one of the reasons I insist my clients agree to a â??man banâ?? during the first couple of months of coaching with me. Feeling lonely is such a powerful pain that people will get into the strangest relationships in order to avoid it. If youâ??d like to know how to come to terms with loneliness then please read on.
Iâ??ve been coaching people long enough to know that feeling lonely can happen in a multitude of circumstances and ways; Having to go to a wedding on your own because youâ??re only allowed to bring a â??significant â?? other and then returning to an empty house. Trying to organise a girlie lunch or a boys night out and having your friends bring their partners along. Being continually surrounded by happy, laughing couples having their perfect relationships all around you in the street or out shopping. And then you have the pain of shopping for one and then carrying it all home on your own. Added to all that you have got the agony of pretending that everythingâ??s fine because youâ??d hate anyone to know youâ??re lonely because itâ??s so unattractive â?? that only adds to your sense of isolation.
The first point I make about loneliness is that it canâ??t kill you, you wonâ??t die of it. It is only ever going to be a feeling. It is a particularly insidious one, but youâ??re always going to be far bigger than your worst feeling. Itâ??s no excuse for getting yourself into yet another pointless relationship because itâ??s better than nothing.
That emptiness youâ??re feeling is the new found space in your life thatâ??s opened up for you to explore. Right after a break-up youâ??ve got heart break but eventually it just feels like youâ??ve got a hole in your life. That hole is a space that you could grow into. Being single is said to be a luxury we often fail to notice in our desire to get back into a relationship.
Different people handle the experience of being single in different ways. For some itâ??s very painful and for others itâ??s a cause for celebration as they get back out into â??the gameâ??, knowing they are one step closer to winning. Bare minimum they now have enough free time to catch up with their friends or upgrade their wardrobe.
In order for a situation to be really, really painful you must believe three things are true of it. You must believe itâ??s permanent, personal and all pervasive. Teresa was busy telling her self that sheâ??d never find another man as nice as her ex because she was totally depressed and always would be. She was miserable because â??everyoneâ?? she knew had a great relationship so her failure really was (as far as she was concerned) personal to her. Added to which Teresa told herself that no one really cared about her situation and her friends were all sick of her whining. Sheâ??d taken to drinking on her own at home whilst singing along to an â??All by Myselfâ?? type sound track a la Bridget Jones with no hope of being rescued.
You may be lonely but youâ??re a long way from being alone. All over what ever town or city you live in are people just like you feeling lonely and worthless because they arenâ??t in a relationship. The irony of course is that the reason Bridget Jones was such a hit is that everyone could identify with it. Even the men I coach, their loneliness may look a little different but itâ??s just as painful. Loneliness is not personal to you, youâ??re just not that special.
Teresa realised fairly quickly that it really wasnâ??t a permanent state. Through her day there were certain hot spots like going to bed, waking up alone, sitting down for breakfast or as she was putting on her running shoes which were all things she did with her ex. So we came up with some ways of breaking up those feelings. This is a fairly well kept secret but getting your self a cuddly teddy bear, giraffe or even elephant will help you get over that empty feeling.
The scientific term is â??transitional love objectâ?? and they really help with not feeling alone in bed. You could of course get a cat or dog if you can deal with the responsibility and your lease allows for it. This has worked so many times I could write a book on it but itâ??s not what I want to be famous for :-). Get yourself something cuddly!
The other thing about permanence is that itâ??s clearly not true. Youâ??ve been in love before and you will love again, that much is a given. There are thousands of people out there desperate to get to know you better. The more interesting challenge is setting up a relationship that both parties feel is worth making permanent and that I can help you with. Youâ??re a grown up. Yes, your last love may have been amazing but trust me, once the hormones kick in again you wonâ??t spend too much time looking back.
Teresaâ??s had gone a long way to convincing herself that all her friends had gone off her and didnâ??t want to deal with her sadness. Her lack of love was now all pervasive. As a result sheâ??d started staying home on the weekends and had got herself into a vicious circle. This was very easily interrupted by Teresa phoning her closest friends and making an arrangement to go to the cinema with them and then building on that connection.
Itâ??s really that simple, if youâ??re feeling bad youâ??ll be telling yourself that at least two of the terrible triad are true. Is your situation really permanent, personal and all pervasive? The faster you can dismantle that particular piece of internal dialogue the better youâ??ll feel. So what are you saying to yourself thatâ??s making all of this so much worse?
Tips on Dealing With Loneliness
Do something physical that involves other people
Learn how to rock climb which will teach you to trust people again. Learn Ceroc or some other partnered dance which will at the very least mean that someone you like will hold your hand at some point in an evening. All of these things get you out of your head and back into your body.
Become one with yourself
Tai Chi, Yoga and meditation could also help but they lack a sense of connection to others which can be important when lonely. The up side of these practices is that you may learn to get your feelings into perspective and stop having to run away from them. Thatâ??s no small thing.
Plan ahead
Try to arrange things to do with people well ahead of the times youâ??d normally get sunk in feeling lonely. Donâ??t leave it until Friday night to start planning for your weekend.
Get something to take care of
Itâ??s a funny thing but sometimes the thing we miss most is having someone to care about. You could buy yourself a plant, a pet or even take me up on the cuddly toy idea.
Heres to all overcoming loneliness..and moving on to a new and better life...
He wrote....
I don't know where I got this. Probable posted here by another member.
But thought it might be time to share it again.
Teresa broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and whilst the feeling of being heart broken had disappeared she was still in a lot of pain. Like many of the single people I coach Teresa was often caught out by her feelings of loneliness. It really came to a head for her on January 1st at about 2am in the morning. What she found to be especially painful was the fact that sheâ??d just spent the last 6 hours partying with her favorite friends after a day on the ski slopes with them.
Loneliness is one of the reasons I insist my clients agree to a â??man banâ?? during the first couple of months of coaching with me. Feeling lonely is such a powerful pain that people will get into the strangest relationships in order to avoid it. If youâ??d like to know how to come to terms with loneliness then please read on.
Iâ??ve been coaching people long enough to know that feeling lonely can happen in a multitude of circumstances and ways; Having to go to a wedding on your own because youâ??re only allowed to bring a â??significant â?? other and then returning to an empty house. Trying to organise a girlie lunch or a boys night out and having your friends bring their partners along. Being continually surrounded by happy, laughing couples having their perfect relationships all around you in the street or out shopping. And then you have the pain of shopping for one and then carrying it all home on your own. Added to all that you have got the agony of pretending that everythingâ??s fine because youâ??d hate anyone to know youâ??re lonely because itâ??s so unattractive â?? that only adds to your sense of isolation.
The first point I make about loneliness is that it canâ??t kill you, you wonâ??t die of it. It is only ever going to be a feeling. It is a particularly insidious one, but youâ??re always going to be far bigger than your worst feeling. Itâ??s no excuse for getting yourself into yet another pointless relationship because itâ??s better than nothing.
That emptiness youâ??re feeling is the new found space in your life thatâ??s opened up for you to explore. Right after a break-up youâ??ve got heart break but eventually it just feels like youâ??ve got a hole in your life. That hole is a space that you could grow into. Being single is said to be a luxury we often fail to notice in our desire to get back into a relationship.
Different people handle the experience of being single in different ways. For some itâ??s very painful and for others itâ??s a cause for celebration as they get back out into â??the gameâ??, knowing they are one step closer to winning. Bare minimum they now have enough free time to catch up with their friends or upgrade their wardrobe.
In order for a situation to be really, really painful you must believe three things are true of it. You must believe itâ??s permanent, personal and all pervasive. Teresa was busy telling her self that sheâ??d never find another man as nice as her ex because she was totally depressed and always would be. She was miserable because â??everyoneâ?? she knew had a great relationship so her failure really was (as far as she was concerned) personal to her. Added to which Teresa told herself that no one really cared about her situation and her friends were all sick of her whining. Sheâ??d taken to drinking on her own at home whilst singing along to an â??All by Myselfâ?? type sound track a la Bridget Jones with no hope of being rescued.
You may be lonely but youâ??re a long way from being alone. All over what ever town or city you live in are people just like you feeling lonely and worthless because they arenâ??t in a relationship. The irony of course is that the reason Bridget Jones was such a hit is that everyone could identify with it. Even the men I coach, their loneliness may look a little different but itâ??s just as painful. Loneliness is not personal to you, youâ??re just not that special.
Teresa realised fairly quickly that it really wasnâ??t a permanent state. Through her day there were certain hot spots like going to bed, waking up alone, sitting down for breakfast or as she was putting on her running shoes which were all things she did with her ex. So we came up with some ways of breaking up those feelings. This is a fairly well kept secret but getting your self a cuddly teddy bear, giraffe or even elephant will help you get over that empty feeling.
The scientific term is â??transitional love objectâ?? and they really help with not feeling alone in bed. You could of course get a cat or dog if you can deal with the responsibility and your lease allows for it. This has worked so many times I could write a book on it but itâ??s not what I want to be famous for :-). Get yourself something cuddly!
The other thing about permanence is that itâ??s clearly not true. Youâ??ve been in love before and you will love again, that much is a given. There are thousands of people out there desperate to get to know you better. The more interesting challenge is setting up a relationship that both parties feel is worth making permanent and that I can help you with. Youâ??re a grown up. Yes, your last love may have been amazing but trust me, once the hormones kick in again you wonâ??t spend too much time looking back.
Teresaâ??s had gone a long way to convincing herself that all her friends had gone off her and didnâ??t want to deal with her sadness. Her lack of love was now all pervasive. As a result sheâ??d started staying home on the weekends and had got herself into a vicious circle. This was very easily interrupted by Teresa phoning her closest friends and making an arrangement to go to the cinema with them and then building on that connection.
Itâ??s really that simple, if youâ??re feeling bad youâ??ll be telling yourself that at least two of the terrible triad are true. Is your situation really permanent, personal and all pervasive? The faster you can dismantle that particular piece of internal dialogue the better youâ??ll feel. So what are you saying to yourself thatâ??s making all of this so much worse?
Tips on Dealing With Loneliness
Do something physical that involves other people
Learn how to rock climb which will teach you to trust people again. Learn Ceroc or some other partnered dance which will at the very least mean that someone you like will hold your hand at some point in an evening. All of these things get you out of your head and back into your body.
Become one with yourself
Tai Chi, Yoga and meditation could also help but they lack a sense of connection to others which can be important when lonely. The up side of these practices is that you may learn to get your feelings into perspective and stop having to run away from them. Thatâ??s no small thing.
Plan ahead
Try to arrange things to do with people well ahead of the times youâ??d normally get sunk in feeling lonely. Donâ??t leave it until Friday night to start planning for your weekend.
Get something to take care of
Itâ??s a funny thing but sometimes the thing we miss most is having someone to care about. You could buy yourself a plant, a pet or even take me up on the cuddly toy idea.
Heres to all overcoming loneliness..and moving on to a new and better life...
Thanks, again! Big hugs!
And the transitional love object--I have one. It is a big teddy bear that I call Debby Bear. My now-deceased friend Debby made the bear for me many years ago. When I feel sad, I hug Debby Bear and the bear hugs me back. It may seem silly but I feel like she is there hugging me. I also have one of my dad's old sweaters (he is also deceased). When I wear it, I feel like he's putting his arms around me.
The tips for dealing with loneliness are good ones. Plan, plan, plan. That is the key for me. I always try to have something to do on at least one weekend day--a place to go, someone to visit, something to do. Going to church allows me to touch others through hugs and shaking hands. And I have plants and of course, my three fish. They don't require a lot of care, but they need me or they'll be belly up after a few days. I can't pet them or play with them, but they still provide joy for me.
Sorry for the long post. This article really brought out a lot of ideas. Hugs to all.
By the way my yorkie is sleeping right next to me and won't allow my cat to get next to me for her morning rub. Everyone wants my affection in the morning.