I've been hanging on by the skin of my teeth but the loneliness is almost unbearable. I feel it so intensely some-times I don't know what to do. I try and get things done and I try and keep busy, but the loneliness is always there during those times.

I'm down to crying only an couple of times a week now but I keep it away by pushing it out of my mind. But then I eventually get to the point where I feel like the damn is going to break and I feel horrible. It's so hard to not be self destructive. I'm noticing that my occasional glasses of wine have become nightly and sometimes even in the day. I actually starting drinking it like a real drink instead of sipping, I don't think that's a good thing!! And then there's good old Ativan.

Anyway, back to the loneliness. I know I'm still very depressed and this is all part of depression too, but when I do get things done, there's no satisfaction in it. I want my stbx to pat me on the shoulder and tell me I did a good job. I want him to come home from work, lay down on the couch and take his 1/2 hour nap like he always did. I want him to watch BIG Brother together and bet on who was going to win like we've done since it started. We just bought Rockband for the Wii and I want him to play with us. We would have so much fun. I want him to play in the pool with us. I want to feel his embrace and hold him and never let him go.

My son had to do a project for school yesterday. It was a posterboard about our family. We used pictures and it was supposed to be a whole family project where everyone put in contributions and we all did it together. My daughter was at practice and my baby couldn't contribute much so it was just my son and I. I don't think it effected my son, but it hit me right in the heart.

I hate the life I am living now. I hate that I've been put in this situation. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that my family is a fraction of what it used to be. Not to long ago, my parents, sister's family and the kids and I went on vacation to San Diego and Mexico. We went to the San Diego Zoo and while we were there we took the bus tour. Well, we all climbed on and as we were choosing seats it dawned on me that I was the only one sitting by myself. The seats were paired off and everyone else had their husbands and wives together and even my kids paired off and I was sitting alone. It was one of the first times that the truth of my singleness was thrown in my face. I go out with a group of people on Friday nights and although it's a fairly big group, I'm the only single person there. Will I ever get used to that? When will I ever feel like I fit in anywhere again? On the vacation I was with my family, I couldn't have been safer or with people closer to me and yet I still felt all alone.

My daughter and I are constantly bickering and I don't know why or how to stop it. I know she blames me for her dad leaving and I've talked to her about it, but I don't think she understands. It seems like her dad can do no wrong but I can do no right. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive, but I feel isolated from my kids too. I think I'm spiraling downward and I'm not sure I even want to stop it. I'm forgetting things all the time, missing appts, I have conversations with people and then don't remember what we talked about. I'm actually losing my hair for God's sake!! I've lost at least 1/3 to 1/2 of what I had before so now I can't even get my hair to look decent. It's really embarrassing. I know I need to go to a doc, but I just don't want to. I'm an RN so I don't like going to the doc to begin with, but with depression and everything else, I just can't climb that mountain right now.

I probably should have written this in my journal, but I'm ready to implode and I wanted some suggestions, support, motivation.... something. I'm sorry for being such a drag, but I know if anyone understands it's you guys. What do I do? How do I do it? Why should I even try? I'm a mess!! Help.