Trust me you will. You havr to remember that 51% of thr couples you saw tonight won't stay married forever. I have also found out the the 2nd time around is sooooo much better. At one time I felt no one would ever love me again and I was sooo wrong about that. I think I have found my next wife already. Just be yourself and you won't have any problem finding someone.

Cmonge - I understand that. My oldest daughter and her friends are all married and now starting families. I get nostalgic (at times) and a little jealous that they have someone to come home to, however, I have finally gotten to the place where it doesn't bother me quite as much anymore. I enjoy my peace and quite and the fact that my life is my way for now. Maybe one day but not any time soon.

Movingon - Happy that you have found someone. I keep thinking when I least expect it I will meet someone to date for more than one or two dates. We will see.

Liz

Cmonge, I also struggle with seeing the seemingly happy families and couples. I don't want my ex back but it would be nice to have a friend of either sex who wanted to go to movies, see a show or go to the zoo. All of my friends are women and most of them are married, so anything social is squeezed into M-F 830-5. Luckily, I have family who are willing to get together on weekends. Maybe if this mystery man shows up, my quiet weekend days are over?

Oh dear, cantstay, I just realised how much I appreciate my me time. Looks like when we do find partners, we'll have adjustment of a different type to deal with. LOL.

Good to hear you've found someone you really like, movingon.

love and hugs
kamary

I desperately feel this way too. I NEED to be part of a pair. To have a mate....a partner. I've never had a loner type mentality. It has been a huge challenge for me to learn to do things by myself. But I'm getting there. I have actually grown to love the quiet in my house. When my daughter is with her dad, I relish the peace and calm. It has motivated me to redecorate and make my house my own home.

As for going out, that is still uncomfortable for me. I like to keep busy and be surrounded by friends and family, so it is rare for me to go to an event or to eat alone. VERY rare....like never. But I did force myself to go to a sit down restaurant about 3 times now by myself. It was hard. But I felt empowered after I did it. In the "couples" scenerio, I do tend to avoid those. Seeing people holding hands, kissing and being all lovey dovey....well frankly....right now it makes me sick to my stomach.

For some couple type things, I will take the guy I've been dating. That makes the "couples" thing easier. But even with him, it feels off. It's not right yet. I think thats because he isn't "the one" to replace my marriage. He's my first post divorce relationship. The proverbial rebound. We both know it, but we are deciding to look at it as we are helping one another heal and that having a companion is not a bad thing.

Don't let it bother you. It's old ingrained ways of thinking. They are outdated and simply not true. You are saying that everyone is blissfully happy and I hope that's true - but in my experience, that's rarely the case. All my woman friends (any age) complain and complain and complain. Just like I did.

Unless you grew up in a bubble, you have been taught a handful of "beliefs". It's these beliefs that make you feel that stigma of calling him your ex. Loneliness, fear and anxiety that come over you.

To be happy and whole within yourself is freeing and empowering. Water truly seeks its own level, so elevate yourself, and you will get what you are looking for. Work to make it there because it is truly a place of happiness and peace and something that you could share with someone if you chose to, but you wouldn't need to and that is the most authentic and wonderful place of all.

If I could hit the "Like" button for your comments KRK, I would do so.

I had the same feelings as you, cmonge, and every now and then get that twinge of jealousy (especially around Valentines Day). But don't assume all of those couples are happy. They may not be and might actually envy your freedom.

Hugs.

Me too, VF.

KRK, thank you for words of wisdom. I get there a lot but then have the backward steps sometimes, too. The thing is, I lived in loneliness, fear and anxiety when I was married, so all I need is a reminder of those days to bring me back to peace in this moment.

Hurtin, it's so true that other couples and families can give the impression they have the perfect life, but when they're out of the public eye, it's a totally different story. I'd love a dollar for every look of surprise when I told people we were divorcing.

love and hugs
kamary

Krk, live your words. You help us hold our heads up. :)

I feel that way too. It's hard when I am at church and see all these happy little families it makes me mourn my life. I think I have been avoiding those situations honestly. Really rough around Christmas.........Ugh

I feel the same way at times. I miss my "intact" family most of all. I feel sad when my friends are involved in "family" activities and realize that is something that I will never have again, at least in the same way. I know that many of my friends that are married have their ups and downs in married life, as did my husband and I, but it was still a satisfying life for me. I miss it.

Oh, this post really hits me right in the heart. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can really appreciate how you're feeling. I have a really hard time when I see people who are obviously in love. I feel even more alone in those moments than I do when I'm at home. And, Jenny mentioned church. I have not been able to sit through an entire service without crying since my separation. I've tried. It's just too hard. I see all the families sitting together and I think about how much I begged my ex to go to church with me and he refused. Didn't want anything to do with it. Then, he starts going to MY church with his mistress before we were even divorced. He even ditched his Catholic upbringing and became a Lutheran for her. He wouldn't even attend a Lutheran church for me when we were married. My therapist has suggested that the PTSD I still suffer from is linked to church because of the value I placed on it and his betrayal, etc. etc. I guess it makes sense.

It's hard to be single in a couple-dominated world. I know that I used to take for granted that I would always have someone, back when I still believed my ex was a good man and we were still together. I know that if I am ever lucky enough to have someone special in my life again, I will NOT take it for granted and will cherish every moment. Until then, I just smile and try my very best to be happy for those who are fortunate enough to be in a loving relationship. I also wanted to interject one caveat, just because people appear to be happy when out in public or posting on FB doesn't mean they really are. By all outward appearances, my ex and I were still that loving couple that everyone believed would be together forever. And, what KRKing said is so true, much of how we perceive these situations is old, outdated thinking that we are somehow less than when we are single. Still, it hurts to want something so badly and know that, for now, it's just not in the cards. But, we all know very well that things change. Someday you will find the person you were meant to be with. Until then, love yourself and be the person you always wanted to be. It will be about the time you are content with your life that Mr. Right will walk into it. :)

Hugs,
Kim

Kim....it's so funny you made that comment..."Back when I still believed my ex was a good man".....I just made that same comment this past week to someone about my ex.

He truly was a GREAT man....he wasn't perfect, but he had some really positive qualities about him that I adored. He was kind, gentle, thoughtful and full of strong morals and character. Then he changed. He is not that man anymore and that is truly sad. For whatever reasons, he has become a mean, ugly person.

I would venture to say with most of us, our ex's also changed for the negative. Becuase we wouldn't have married them if they were this way at the time.

In that light, we have to recognize that while it is unfortunate our "intact" families didn't last, they were real. They were a part of who we are. We have memories and attachment to that time. So now we have to create a new idea of what family means to us. I had a profound thought the other day that I was putting far too much emphasis on ONE component of that ideal. My ex was only a small part of that "family". When you consider your entire family structure, you cannot allow for one broken piece to ruin the whole. If you have a favorite something and it gets chipped or broken, you don't throw it out or consider it useless. You tend to fix it and make it usable again. Think of yourself and your family life in the same way. My kids like to quote from Lilo and Stitch. "Our family is small and broken, but still good". :)

PsiChi, you are so right. It's a very hard paradox to reconcile when you recall those precious memories and then realize that a big chunk of the foundation of those memories is gone and caused you great pain. I have a hard time making peace with this aspect of our life together. There were many happy times, and you are so correct that he was only a piece of that puzzle. When I think back to holidays and vacations and all those memories, I realize that much of the happiness I remember was due to my interaction with my kids. He was a part of it when they were young. Once they got to middle school, he started to withdraw from family activities. By the time my kids were in high school, he had little to do with them. When my heart aches for that happy family unit, especially around holidays or special occasions, I remind myself that I was the ring-leader who did so much of the preparation and keeping the traditions alive. I was the goofy one, the one who got down on the floor to play with the kids, the one who stayed up late watching movies with them on school breaks and snow days, the one who had snowball fights in the backyard, the one they came to when they were upset or needed to talk. I am still that person for both my kids.

Yes, our family is broken, but it's still there, just in a different way. Maybe this shift in perspective will help many of us to deal with this part of divorce. Thanks for the valuable insight.

We have all felt that way at the beginning. It's awful. I'm 8 years down the road and it's still hard to say x-husband. Never thought it would enter my vocabulary. But, for the most part, it's not an issue anymore. As was said earlier, so many people get divorced. Sad as that is.

Big hugs