Porn is porn, and it is not about you being unlovable. Porn is about him and some unrealistic idea who he thinks he is. Why would you say that you are unlovable? Just because he doesn't love you, doesn't make your world end or that you are not loved by others. You can be disappointed in him, but all this he wanted to be the person he used to be and he worked hard.. nonsense, he failed. Sorry but if he had an affair, he was not the honest and loyal moral person you have in your head, he just was not!

I suggest you stop blaming the porn, and start blaming him! Do you want affirmation from us that you are lovable.. you are. What I suggest is that a lot of this, is about your self esteem. You need to work on that and figure out you have value without him. Many people in divorce love the world failure, and have problems with the marriage ending as a failure. The marriage ended, and failing is not the end all be all. You have to stop thinking about him, and I suggest that you do not have so much contact with him, BBQ and all. This is what happens is you continually talk to him and see him.. you are very very early on. You may not believe some of us, but you have to detach. I hope you have seen a lawyer and I hope you work on this with a therapist. This is hard, but you will survive it. You have to stop trying to figure him out. For me, owning what I did or did not do, and none of us are perfect, working on me, is the key to thriving and surviving.. HUGS

I agree with MsTerey. The reality is that your ex was addicted to porn and he had an affair. Neither of these reflect on you. They were HIS choices. His choices show the real man inside.

In fact, your continued concern and blaming yourself show me that you're a loving, kind and caring person - totally loveable. I also think that it's time to take a long, realistic look at yourself. Acknowledge your generous heart, acknowledge that you love/d him and he was unworthy of your regard, work out who you are, what you think, and what you want in your life, and you'll find that what he did or does simply isn't an issue any more. Admit your realistic contribution to the breakdown of your marriage because it always takes two. In the end, it takes only one to choose not to work on the marriage for it to flounder. In your case, it sounds as though your ex chose to withdraw and not contribute as mine did.

Take care of your self. Get to know yourself, and soon you'll be getting on with your own life the way you want it to be.

Kelly brought up the point of moral compass. I have thought and said that about my ex many times. My ex had a very strong spiritual belief system and a definite sense of right and wrong. Somehow that moral compass became broken. He went to the dark side and never came back...I told him that many times. I find it very hard to believe that he was really always that way. But...I do believe his actions were not a reflection of me. So..I agree with MsTerey and kamary. You cant let yourself go down that road. His choices are his choices...its not as though you were sitting next to him and encouraging him to do the things he did. I too have struggled with...how could he...why did he...but the bottom line is..he did...and he did it on his own. We have to deal with the repercussions of there choices but we are in no way responsible for them nor are we a reflection of them. Hang in there Kelly...you are doing great...Big Hugs...Kathy

I understand the hit your self esteem takes at a time like this. It is good that you are reaching out for support. If this is early for you, know that this is the hardest time and it does get better the further you get from the X. No contact is so important to let your head clear.

Be good to yourself.

It can only work if BOTH of you work on it, and in my case (as yours) I worked my butt off trying to make him happy while he did nothing.
Trying to find 'me' and some self esteem :)
Hope things are better for you soon :)

When our minds manufacture reasons for WHY these men have done what they have done, it is a normal stage of grief -- It's called "Idolization." For some reason, it takes awhile for it to register that their leaving has NOTHING (or very little) TO DO WITH US or what we did or didn't do in the relationship.

You already know that this man was a cheater and you learned later on about his dalliance with porn. Both of those things clearly scream NOT A GOOD GUY! Why you would think YOU are unloveable in this situation escapes me. Clearly, his behavior has no reflection on you -- he is merely doing what he does to escape his own reality. Let him go and keep your contact with him to a minimum. It's the only way you will get clarity on this situation and begin to rebuild your self-esteem. Hugs.

I had the same problem with my husband, porn coupled with viagra abuse. He does take responsibility for the damage done to our marriage but keeps saying there is just too much water under the bridge. We are still very friendly, as I believe you said you and your ex are in an earlier post, but I think when everything came out about his "activities" he felt I could never feel the same way about him and frankly it's true. Maybe your husband just felt he couldn't bare being with you and feeling like you may think less of him? SO if they find someone new they don't have to feel so bad about themselves. I think that is what my husband is saying about too much water under the bridge. I feel your pain, my husband was always seemed like such a good guy too! I feel so bad about my kids, fortunately they don't know about his problems. I am sure you are an amazing catch, no wonder he doesn't feel he deserves you!

I don't know about the moral person suddenly becoming unmoral. I think either you are or you aren't. Many people do things they know is right because others are watching. It could be that it was too difficult to continue the fake persona. My EX was really good about bad mouthing cheaters. He even chased off his sisters cheating husband. Totally led me to believe it wasn't something he would ever do. IMO, the behavior I saw was just a cover to throw me and everyone else off.

I do agree with the others, the porn viewing is an unhealthy outlet for him and has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. (((HUGS))) Are you seeing an individual counselor?

It's so true. A SHAME based person [ for good reason] usually cannot bear to be seen which results in their abandonment and avoidance. As a fact he intends to say "I don't want you to see the awful person I truly am. I lied and I am not the good person who I said I was. The person I pretended to be was an illusion [lie] and you bought into it. I was good at hiding it from you".

Sure it may be easier to believe it's something deficient in you but this thinking is flawed and is a disservice to you. This belief is not consistent to the counselors clinical observations of his emotional health and indicates your unwillingness to accept their truths regarding HIS deficients.

Take the log [deceptions] out of your eyes, sort of speak. Refocus and get clarity as to "who you were" in respect to the role you has played in your marriage. Many of us, painfully came to terms that our devotion may have been unchecked but never the less, was an indication of our true "goodness" and "greatness".

last dance brought up a very good point:

The fact " they find someone new they don't have to feel so bad about themselves" is a recipe for repeat failure.
Since feeling bad about themselves stems from "being bad" goes unchecked, two things karma brings . His energy in needing to keep his bad persona hidden and use of the person as a feel good drug source.