I'm so sorry about this. But I will tell you that you will find the inner strength. There is a lot of unfairness. I've seen it everywhere here on DS. I actually thought that because my X had an affair, I had an advantage. Nope! But I do know, that now, 22 months later, I AM better off. Not only financially, but spiritually, mentally and physically. It's a lot of work but you will be able to do it! My thoughts and prayers are with you because I know where you are right now. There is desperation in your writing. BUt you can do this and I know you will! Just nurture yourself to the best of your ability. Big hugs my friend.

I am so sorry for you. It is really lousy that they can destroy our lives and we are the ones that have to live with it. It will be okay. I think you will find that you are stronger than you thought (I always hated when people told me that, but it is true!). Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. You are in my prayers! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all better for all of us! Love to you!

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Unfortunately, the courts can be unfair. Did your attorney have any explanation for the ruling?

Please calm yourself. You will survive--this is a shock to your system. Calm down, breathe. Call someone who can come and be with you today.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. You're going to be okay.

I'm so sorry. I don't understand how this can happen. I thought there were guidelines on how child support and maintenance were paid. Is it because they gave him 50% custody of the older children?

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It will get better. If I remember correctly, you're a nurse. You might be able to work 3 12 hour days. Maybe when your ex has the children so you won't have to pay a babysitter.

Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted. It is unfair that the ones that betrayed the family are able to prosper. So now they learn that its better to dump your family for some new thing that comes along. Well thats the way it is and that is how society views it.

Well now you are going to have to be stronger than you've ever been before. If you have to take some college classes to get a better job. Try to get on food stamps if you have to. Nothing wrong with it if you need it. Please relax because the stress will make you sick. If you can't give the kids a lot of gifts, give the gift of love. Right now thats all I can give my kids and they do appreciate it and they know that their dad is buying them. Yes they are accepting it too but when I was a kid I did the same thing. I had to become an adult in order to really understand and appreciate everything my mom did for me so don't worry about that really.

Think about the house. Ask yourself if you can really afford it? Will your house be able to sell for the price you owe? Or will you have to do a short sale? If you have to do a short sale, you may want to rethink paying the mortgage. I am not telling you to do it but you have to think about all of your choices.

fatalove YOU WILL BE OKAY. IN FACT YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. Take one thing at a time.

I just checked your profile and I can't find anything about you being a nurse. Am I mixing you up with someone else?

I am so sorry you have been put in this position. Breathe, breathe breathe. I know this sounds trite, but things do happen when we need them to happen. I know you are a smart, resourceful woman, and you will find a way. A few pragmatic suggestions - apply for food stamps. Apply for any housing subsidies you can get - apply for help as a displaced homemaker - make the system work for you!!!! If I can help in any way=- just let me know.

You have 15 months to sell the house and then what, do the terms of child support change then.. do you have any equity.. were you awarded the proceeds or does he have a share in this. Did you get any cash or division of assets, such as a 401k an Ira. I need more information.

There must of been some guidelines and I figure that because of the custody issues that zeros out the child support for the older children, that is how it is in many situations. Did you get family support which is a combination of child support and maintenance, which is often set that way so you do not have to pay tax on the support?

I am so sorry, try and regroup and see what your options are.I can not believe you would be "stuck" with the house unless he has to pay the mortgage.. One of the big things I "learned" in this is that I try and stay in the present, work on the problems I can day to day and not look to far down the road and worry. This was hard for me, as I like all duck in a row and think way too much.. try and work on what you can in your control and not look too far ahead. One thing, one day, one week at a time.. Hugs to you

You are right Sld, I was an RN. I took a leave of absence when all this started and then I completely lost it and had a breakdown and after 3 months they let me go. I don't think I'll have too hard of a time getting just any job as an RN. The problem is I'm worried I won't be able to handle the stress anymore. I used to work trauma and transplants and the stress level was so high. Plus I didn't have a baby then so the 12 hour shifts weren't a big deal but with a baby I wouldn't see her for such long periods of time. I know it's not the end of the world but I'm so sick of having to change my whole life around because the jerk wanted to change his. It's the powerlessness that drives me crazy. It seems like as soon as I get one thing figured out something else comes up and things just don't go my way!

Fatalove - I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly. First by your ass of a husband and now the justice system. I know you are wondering if it will ever end....but it will because you know it can't get any worse. It stinks that these asses come out smelling like roses when they've destroyed so many lives in the process. I am sorry that the judge was obviously immune to it all. Probably doesn't even care anymore about the lives that are affected. It seems that they should put some sort of human feelings into the decisions they make up on the bench but I think all they want is to get it over and done and on to the next victim.

Your greatest revenge on your X is to show him that he cannot break you. Show him that you don't need him to be happy and survive. Show him you are a survivor and he gave up the best thing he'll ever have in his life. The best revenge is your happiness. I know you can do it. I understand this is a huge blow to you and you are allowed to hurt and grieve all over again, just don't let it pull you all the way under. You are stronger than you think and this is only temporary. I know a year sounds like a long time, but by this time next year you will be the one smelling like a rose.....you'll be happy and successful because you are strong and capable. You've already proven it by how far you've come.

Hang in there. Breathe and baby steps until you can get through this. Tackle one thing at a time and take it as slow as you need. Just believe in yourself....you can make it happen for you and your kids. Hugs and love.

I am so sorry. You have no idea I feel your pain. I have not read the other comments but I will. I just glimpsed at the one above and see you are an RN so you are ahead of the game. The stress of the job will most likely be a breeze compared to not knowing how to take care of your children. How can the system be the way it is? I ask myself that all the time.
This week I am packing the house I rented for the children and I after selling the house we called home for many years. The profits pretty much got eaten up in attorney fees. I went to college for 3.5 years and have no degree. I swear I must have taken anything and everything that looked like fun. I could kick myself in the ass now. My divorce was final in January. January 1st was to be my first alimony and child support payment. I have not seen one dime. The system has let me or should I really say our children down terribly. This man has not given us even a total of two thousand dollars since last April. That is a long time. If it were not for my mother we literally would be out on the street. Why I am telling you this is because I totally understand your anxiety. Being that I stayed home for 18 years, believe me not completely supported by my husband either there is absolutely no way I can even earn enough to cover rent here. So I went from having a good life to one below poverty level and the judicial system seems to find it okay. One day I will become an advocate so this can not happen to other people, whether male or female. Whoever the bread winner was should not be allowed to walk away with no responsibilities.
To add insult on top of injury, I get permanent alimony. Since my ex husband decided not to work anymore my alimony after all these years is 100 dollars a month. Why don't they just throw me a bone to fetch instead?!! Please just know you are not alone. Some days I have no idea how I can even see straight but I do. Both my children are teenagers and they are no piece of cake either! They have both been really good kids by not getting into a lot of trouble, but now it is getting crazy.
My heart goes out to you. I know you will do okay. Just remember how good you are and even though you have to leave that precious baby to go to work, know you are able to put a roof over her head and food on the table. More than I can say for myself.
Take care, please let me know how you are doing. I truly care as I honestly know exactly how you feel. As I type I just know all those feelings and they stink.
You are going to do GREAT!!!

Im so sorry...I fear these things and am living some of them now. Harder decisions are coming. I am struggling to find a job to support my kids...right now Im not wanting his help...Im a bit stubborn and want to do this on my own. I dont want my kids around his girlfiend much less living with them if that were the case. How does a judge say that is healthy for them? Thats just wrong. Im hurting for you...

Sorry about your situation. I don't see how your X could be better off after a judge's decision. I am sure he is feeling some pain. I am amazed at how many lives are affected. I told my STBX that I did not want a divorce. But she thinks the courts are going to give her everything. She is delusional and the attorney's are going to get rich. Everyone looses in the end. I don't see any winners in these situations unless the "winner" has delusions.

These S & D's are terrible for everyone in their right mind.

I know you will find the strength to go on. A nurse is a special breed of person and the world needs you. Please give your talents to help all those in need of your medical skills. I know that it might seem like the bottom, but God has a purpose for you and he has given you talents. Use them for some good and the good of your new family lifestyle, such as the courts have decided.

Best of Luck RR99

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I feel your pain and concern. It breaks my heart too. I wish I could help somehow. You will get through this - you will. For all that has happened to you on this journey, you have come a long way. You're stronger now - more resilient. I see that - don't you? This is the beginning for you now. The past horrors are ending. You now know what you'll be dealing with, as opposed to guessing or thinking about it. As referring to that saying, "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself". Not knowing about something, can do a number on you.

Relax. Take your time to process all of this. You don't have to take your family out in the cold to go look for work today. You have your home, a warm bed, food to eat, your children and you are safe. That's everything. One thing at a time. You can do this - but you can't do this in an hour. Don't put that on yourself. You're looking at too much, all at once - no one can do that.

Take the weekend off. You CAN do that. Free yourself of concern and worry. Nothing is going to change drastically or at all until Monday. Try to put yourself in a positive light. What's happening to you is not going to make things worse. Things will be getting better for you. Getting out there again in the work force will make a major difference in your life and your well being. You've been in your surroundings so long that you forget that working brings you to "people" again, routine and other things to occupy your mind other then the ugly you've been going through. All beginnings are scary - just as endings are sad. Work may be the best healing tool you could have right now. I know that you don't feel that way at the moment - but, think about it. It will help you get out of that hole.

So, you had a break down before (and who wouldn't have). That doesn't mean you're a weak person - it means that you were in a devastating, heart wrenching, crushing situation that wore you down. It happens to the best of the best. Please don't carry that with you. You've come too far from that. You needed to shut down - that's all. You're a human being and a wonderful one, I might add. Had this horrific thing not come into your life, this would not have happened.

You are strong - you are capable of handling this now. It will not take you anywhere near the emotional ramifications your x has caused you in the past. You will more quickly begin to breath again. You are a very well loved person here - we are all behind you and believe in you. Move slowly and be kind to yourself - you are at the beginning of the best part of your life. And, yes........... without question, you WILL make it. Much love.

I'm so sorry for your pain and worries.

Are your children 12 yet? In most states they have some say in their visitation by that age, so you may be able to get a modification for a 12yo and up based on their feelings (if they prefer you as a primary home). Check on your state laws.

I'm sorry you will have to be away from the baby so long for work. Do you have any family nearby that you're comfortable leaving her(him) with? If you have any family who would help, maybe you could work nightshift and be awake after school, so you could have afternoon/evenings together? Single motherhood sucks, but once you get into a routine, the stress should lessen some.

If you can, lean on God--wonderful sanity saver. Huuugs,
L