Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
This is the “first” anniversary since my divorce was final. I guess I can stop counting now….I haven’t figured out how I feel about that today. I’ve got mixed emotions. We separated more than 2 years ago, so I’ve been through all the other “firsts” – holidays, etc. I’m not devastated...thank goodness… maybe just a little nostalgic. I don’t miss the ex – he was never my “best friend”, he’s quite selfish and was never supportive of anything I did – including my role in parenting our son. But that’s another whole long, ugly story…… I guess I’m just a little sad for what might have been. I’ll probably never have another 32nd anniversary - well technically it's 31 I suppose. Perhaps now I will celebrate the date of our final divorce instead – the date of my freedom and a new beginning. I’m a ‘numbers’ person, so dates, years, measurements – things like that are important to me. It helps me keep track of time.
I’m starting to peak around the corner to my future. Trying to figure out who I am since I no longer have the identity that I lived with for 30 years. I don’t even remember who I was before marriage – and really, even then I probably didn’t know. I was young and immature when I got married. I certainly don’t want to go back to being that person…… I’m grateful for the wisdom my experiences have given me – I hope that age gives us at least a small edge on figuring out who we are and where we want to head to. It’s both scary and exciting to know that I have total control over that now. Someone here said (and I apologize I don’t remember who to give credit for this)…”Happiness is the result of personal effort”… and that is so true. My future will look as bright as I make it.
One thing I need to try to remember to do, especially on those “blue” days…. Is to count my blessings… and I have many. I have a good job that supports me well, a growing retirement, a nice, affordable place to live, a few very close friends and two brothers who have supported me through this entire journey and my loyal 4 legged companion – who in the early days – was often my reason for getting out of bed. And of course, my friends here on DS. I don’t depend on the ex for anything (but really, that’s nothing new – never could anyway). The only thing I ever wanted from him was for us to preserve our great credit rating, I kept up my end of that but he didn’t (even though he had the means to). His financial priorities are very different from mine …..so now I have to start from scratch. But, that’s ok too. I know I can do it and from this point forward it will be all mine to manage as I see fit. It will just take some time.
I’m starting to peak around the corner to my future. Trying to figure out who I am since I no longer have the identity that I lived with for 30 years. I don’t even remember who I was before marriage – and really, even then I probably didn’t know. I was young and immature when I got married. I certainly don’t want to go back to being that person…… I’m grateful for the wisdom my experiences have given me – I hope that age gives us at least a small edge on figuring out who we are and where we want to head to. It’s both scary and exciting to know that I have total control over that now. Someone here said (and I apologize I don’t remember who to give credit for this)…”Happiness is the result of personal effort”… and that is so true. My future will look as bright as I make it.
One thing I need to try to remember to do, especially on those “blue” days…. Is to count my blessings… and I have many. I have a good job that supports me well, a growing retirement, a nice, affordable place to live, a few very close friends and two brothers who have supported me through this entire journey and my loyal 4 legged companion – who in the early days – was often my reason for getting out of bed. And of course, my friends here on DS. I don’t depend on the ex for anything (but really, that’s nothing new – never could anyway). The only thing I ever wanted from him was for us to preserve our great credit rating, I kept up my end of that but he didn’t (even though he had the means to). His financial priorities are very different from mine …..so now I have to start from scratch. But, that’s ok too. I know I can do it and from this point forward it will be all mine to manage as I see fit. It will just take some time.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
It sounds like you will be ok and thank the good Lord for our four legged family for getting us out of bed during the depths of depression over our lost loves.
hugs :)
Big Disney Hugs:)
You'll find that young girl inside you and meld the older mature one together. What a beautiful thing that will be!
Don't be sad, be glad - it's all good and for good reason!
Welcome to the NOW. Counting your blessings everyday is just the ticket. (Hugs) to you my friend.
It's been a year since my ex made his announcement. I sent a thank you to my friend you stood beside me through every painful curve. Her reply..."I’m so glad I could be there for you. What a year! And since then you have raised yourself from the ashes and have grown and gained in so many ways…confidence in your ability to have a good life directed by you, a new outlook on the community, new friends, new skills and a future full of possibilities.
You should be proud on this Valentine’s Day!"
Even at 60 there is still a future full of possibilities. All the best to you Yorkieluvr!
Well, you wrote that you don't remember who you were before you married. I don't think that matters now because people change anyway. I'm glad you have a great support system. I am learning who I am now too. I am discovering what I like and question the things I have thought I always liked. For instance, do I really like NASCAR? Or is it because the EX liked it. Sure I wasn't as into it as him, but I do like round track races and drag races and enjoyed going with my Dad before I was dating the EX so that's staying on my list of likes. I'm trying new foods at new restaurants the EX wouldn't go to either. To heck with hearing about how great they are from friends and co-workers....I go to them with my meetups.
Life is good. Happy Un-Anniversary Yourkieluvr
Remember that the years we were married are just that, years and we all know that it is the quality of the time together that counted. For some, they were not living well! You are wise, you have figured out that being married doesn't define you, it was part of your life but it was not your whole life. You took stock of what you have now and not what you think you do not have. It does take time.. and I am the one that wrote " Happiness is the Result of Personal Effort.. I put it on my profile the day I came here divorced, and more important I live that. In divorce, like life you have to be responsible for yourself, and for some of us, we find out we always were. I also say I did not lose myself in the marriage, I lost my way!
And never say never.. I was divorced at 54, I figure I have at least 30 to 40 years left! I liked being married, but I like being divorced. I am in my life where I am suppose to be right now, we all are. It is what you make of what you have in life what defines it! How great you are doing and a very uplifting post. It may not seem like it when you are in it, there is a good life after divorce, it takes time and work. HUGS
You have done well through your journey; continue thinking positive and exploring new opportunities and excavating your authentic self. It takes some time and effort, but it's absolutely well worth it.
Hugs to you from Savannah, GA.
There's nothing wrong with 'marking' your anniversary date - it's natural that special dates are imprinted on our brains. It's hard-wired. Don't worry about this. Think the thought and let it go. Yep, it would've been 32 years. And now things have changed. And you have grown as a person and learned so much about yourself.
I just passed both my first valentines day and birthday without stbx. It was a first. And next year, i will likey mark the second. And so on. And that's okay. As long as the sadness is lessening, the counting is just a marker.
I'm having trouble deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. I think it's because I still have healing to do. Sounds like you do, too. When I left my ex, for a short while, I actually felt like I was 13 again in some ways. I had a different nickname back then and I was thinking of myself as that nickname and my last name as my maiden name for several weeks. It was surreal and was the beginning of my healing. I had to go back to that girl and that time to begin to restructure the many years I was with my ex, to do the learning I would need to do so I could move on by myself, the learning I hadn't needed to do as long as I was married to him. It's been 3 1/2 years since the day I moved out, and I know I've come a long way and that I will make it.
Take your healing one day at a time and have patience with yourself.
love and hugs
kamary