Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Well what did I expect - my meeting with my husband about a settlement didn't go well at all.
He started off by telling me he did go see a lawyer, which is fine, I expected him to. However, this lawyer told him that he'd be paying me a lot less than what my lawyer said. As a matter of fact, his lawyer told him that by him paying our $1500 rent a month that was being generous. I don't know what crack-pot he went to see but I'm not buying it.
Anyway, I started it off by telling him that when this is over we will not be friends. He actually flushed under the collar when I said this. I told him that when our divorce is done, so are we and that any contact we have would be about emergencies with the kids only. I think he was totally shocked to hear this. He truly believed we would remain friends. Shows what frame of mind he's in - irrational thinking on his part. I told him I was telling him this ahead of time so he didn't think this was because of our settlement, whether it went smooth or nasty. I'm glad I told him this because it got nasty pretty quick.
To make a long story short, he called me cut-throat and vindictive. He thinks I'm out for blood. I told him that I didn't come up with these figures, the lawyer did. I said that all I want is what I deserve after giving up everything for this family and according to these lawyers, this is what I deserve. I told him that I'm not out to screw him and he said you most certainly are. I told him just because it wasn't what he wanted to hear doesn't make it my fault. I did go to a law firm that deals with women's rights only. I did this only because I don't know any lawyers and I hear their advertisements on the radio all the time. Why wouldn't I want to protect my rights. He also thinks I'm paying for my own lawyer. I said absolutely NOT, I'm not the one who wants this divorce, why would I pay for a lawyer for it.
I can drag this on for as long as I need to - he's the one who wants out, not me.
I sat through the part where he called me cut-throat and out for blood, but I got up and left when he called me vindictive. Left my full meal sitting there barely touched. I know this probably wasn't the mature thing to do, but I knew it was getting nasty and I didn't deserve his name calling. I got a lawyer, this is what they said, not me, and of course I'm out to screw him.
This is NOT what I wanted to happen. I really thought we could hash this out amicably but I knew it would come down to money. It always does with us. I should've know he would get nasty about it too. I didn't call him names but he couldn't help himself, he had to get personal. Our last biggest fight was because he got personal and nasty too. Said things to me that were hurtful. I should have known - I went into tonight's meeting hoping for the best and got just the opposite.
I don't know what to expect from here. He said his lawyer only charges $2000 and mine wants a $5000 upfront fee that is fully refundable for what you don't use. I thought we could get through this relatively easy, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen now. I surely cannot afford my own lawyer, so if he hires his own, what do I do?
If he hires his own attorney and if I contest his settlement proposal, what happens next. How do I pay for a mediator or lawyer? Any advice out there.
He started off by telling me he did go see a lawyer, which is fine, I expected him to. However, this lawyer told him that he'd be paying me a lot less than what my lawyer said. As a matter of fact, his lawyer told him that by him paying our $1500 rent a month that was being generous. I don't know what crack-pot he went to see but I'm not buying it.
Anyway, I started it off by telling him that when this is over we will not be friends. He actually flushed under the collar when I said this. I told him that when our divorce is done, so are we and that any contact we have would be about emergencies with the kids only. I think he was totally shocked to hear this. He truly believed we would remain friends. Shows what frame of mind he's in - irrational thinking on his part. I told him I was telling him this ahead of time so he didn't think this was because of our settlement, whether it went smooth or nasty. I'm glad I told him this because it got nasty pretty quick.
To make a long story short, he called me cut-throat and vindictive. He thinks I'm out for blood. I told him that I didn't come up with these figures, the lawyer did. I said that all I want is what I deserve after giving up everything for this family and according to these lawyers, this is what I deserve. I told him that I'm not out to screw him and he said you most certainly are. I told him just because it wasn't what he wanted to hear doesn't make it my fault. I did go to a law firm that deals with women's rights only. I did this only because I don't know any lawyers and I hear their advertisements on the radio all the time. Why wouldn't I want to protect my rights. He also thinks I'm paying for my own lawyer. I said absolutely NOT, I'm not the one who wants this divorce, why would I pay for a lawyer for it.
I can drag this on for as long as I need to - he's the one who wants out, not me.
I sat through the part where he called me cut-throat and out for blood, but I got up and left when he called me vindictive. Left my full meal sitting there barely touched. I know this probably wasn't the mature thing to do, but I knew it was getting nasty and I didn't deserve his name calling. I got a lawyer, this is what they said, not me, and of course I'm out to screw him.
This is NOT what I wanted to happen. I really thought we could hash this out amicably but I knew it would come down to money. It always does with us. I should've know he would get nasty about it too. I didn't call him names but he couldn't help himself, he had to get personal. Our last biggest fight was because he got personal and nasty too. Said things to me that were hurtful. I should have known - I went into tonight's meeting hoping for the best and got just the opposite.
I don't know what to expect from here. He said his lawyer only charges $2000 and mine wants a $5000 upfront fee that is fully refundable for what you don't use. I thought we could get through this relatively easy, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen now. I surely cannot afford my own lawyer, so if he hires his own, what do I do?
If he hires his own attorney and if I contest his settlement proposal, what happens next. How do I pay for a mediator or lawyer? Any advice out there.
i know you wished for the best but we cannot give them the benefit of the doubt.
when i retain a lawyer it is going to have to be a loan and he will be responsible for at least half in the end..there is a way to do it that is what everyone tells me...you fight for what you deserve and like you told him...he is not your friend..friends dont do this to other friends..again i am sorry it didnt work out
Try to look around for an attorney or mediator that fits your needs and has a good reputation. There are many ways to pay retainers and fees. See what some can offer to you.
Oh... I'm just so sorry tonight happened. Lots of hugs, prayers and warm thoughts are with you. We're here for you.
His excuse was the house was messed up but that's a whole other issue. His so called attorney also told him he was being generouse by paying the refinanced mortgage that was in his nameI hadn't worked full time since 1996 worked seasonal for those years and haven't worked at all for 2 years because of my mother and now deceased father. Look around find you an attorney that will fit your needs and are willing to work with you. Maybe a new lawyer that just moved into your area that's as they say hungry to make his/her name known in the area but comes from somewhere else so local attorneys don't know their case histories as well as you do once you ask. just an idea
The judge for the most part sided with me. Small details we need to work out. Either one of us can refuse and take it to trial before the same judge.
Get your own information. They lie through their teeth. Don't panic about a $20,000 legal fee. You will get that back within one year. I'm in it for $18,000 so far and I'm sure stbx is much higher. I'm getting more than double that back in the first year alone.
Stay calm. Get everything that is due YOU!!!
The spouse will always blame you even though he made the decision to leave. It just makes him feel better.
Best wishes.
I want out after all these years, but we'll be friends. What planet are these people from!!!!!!
It is not unreasonable at all to not want to remain friends. If you wanted him for a friend, you wouldn't have married him in the first place.
The best thing you can do at this point is to cut personal contact with him, as much as possible. Do not discuss the divorce with him personally. He'll just keep you in knots. Go through your attorney to deal with him. Do not let him engage you in conversation about the divorce, when you have no choice but to be around him. Just conduct whatever business you have with him (passing off the kids, etc.) and be done with it. If he brings up the divorce, tell him to talk to his attorney. Smile when you say it.
Be particularly careful about being overly emotional around him. He will use that against you (he'll say you are crazy and/or an unfit mother). This is very important. He will start to look for things to use against you. Don't buy anything that he could hold up as being an unnecessary or frivolous purchase. Don't leave your children with anyone when you have them, unless it is to work. He'll say you "dump" the kids to go partying. I'm not kidding...this stuff happens.
Be very careful from this point on. He's not your friend and he doesn't give a rat's patootie what happens to you. He's out to take care of himself. You can bet on that.
I'm so sorry Chrissy. :(
It amazes me as well how they want to be friends after this is all over. Let me make sure I've got this right--he destroys your life by ending your marriage, tries to screw you financially, calls you cut-throat and vindictive and then wants to be friends!?
I'll have whatever he's smokin' 'cause he has to be stoned!