Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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fatallove 06/14/2008

It's way to early for me to start drinking but my wine cork is popped and I'm on my way. In-laws are in town and though I've let my 7 and 11 year old stay at their dad's so they could spend time together, the baby is still with me and they want to see her. They came through town a few weeks ago and saw her for about an hour. It was the first time they'd seen her and the first time we'd seen each other since the split. In the first couple of weeks after the split they called me looking for him because he wasn't answering their calls. It was from me they found out what had happened. They were very supportive in those calls. But then they stopped. The stbx says he wants to keep them out of it so he hasn't told them anything. I'm sure he's told them some things but I don't know what. So this morning they call and say they have to stop by and pick up my sons karate uniform for practice. We had already arranged a time later this afternoon for them to come and see the baby so I thought they were going to pick up the uniform and leave. But they ended up coming in and we talked. ABOUT COMPLETE BULLSHIT! They never once mentioned what was going on in any way shape or form. Mind you my MIL is a nosey woman by nature and wants to know everything but suddenly she has no interest!

I don't know what expected. I certainly don't expect them to turn against their son, but I didn't expect them to just cut me out either. I thought we were a close family. I was very close to my brother and sister in law, I haven't heard from them either. I'm so disappointed in all of them. I'm hurt. If I didn't have the baby I don't think I would have even seen them. After 22 years of being family. They are coming back this afternoon and I just don't know what to feel. I'm not a confrontational person so it's unlikely that I would start something. I guess I just want to know where they stand in all this. By the next time they see the baby, she will be old enough that her dad will have her part time so there is no reason for them to see me. I don't even know if I want to keep in touch, I'm kind of pissed off at them.

How many lives are going to be affected because of this divorce? How much more pain does it have to cause? How do I get through this visit? What do I say to them or do I say anything? Help!

deleted_user 06/14/2008

Cheleb, all very normal feelings you are having - but remember how horrifying this must be for them. It didn't do much good, but I went to my MIL and told her that I knew she loved me and I loved her and that this did not need to change our relationship, and that although I did not have warm and fuzzy feelings toward her son at the moment, she was my daughter's grandmother and that's all that mattered. Like you, she had stopped calling me when my ex finally fessed up about the OW - and now still will not speak of it. Don't know what your relationship is, but my advice is to take the high road here. It's exhausting being the only grown up in the room, I know, but put it out there and you will have done all you can - the rest is up to them.

Good luck. Hugs.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

Kill them with kindness. Be as sweet as pie. Your stbx has for sure made up stories about you. If you are not friendly, they will feel he is justified. Hug them and tell them that you miss them. Hugs to you and keep us posted. A few tears wouldn't hurt either.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

i dont have kids but my inlaws immediately turned against me and took his side,after we broke up.wouldnt hear about his cheating,lying,denied it all.cold as ice to me..
they are the ones i most want to send his cheating pictures to. maybe they'll see what a trash person
he is.
beware the inlaws will always take the sons side against you.my lawyer said that,and it was true.my ex mil is such a terrible person and his father so greedy too. so sick they wanted money in my divorce from me too baiting him on..omigod 26 years of being so nice to them.for what.
i hate all of them.
miserable family.im so glad to be free of him and all of it.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

Be sure and brush your teeth before they come so they don't smell the wine.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

Same here, My MIL and I have no love lost for each other, but my step mom in law and father in law were very close.My step MIL has not once called, my father in law just said that his son is better off without me, They were the only family I had. My own mom is not so great. It just kills me, but, I have too many other things to worry and be angry over, this is one that I will just accept.

Hugs to you.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

My sbtx wife's younger sister came over today with her kids to swim. I fed her some beer and we talked, she's 10 years younger than sbtx and very close to her and still is clueless why she is blowing everything up!

Her brothers and siter thinks she's flipped her wig! She listens to no one. Except Jon Bovi! 'It's My Life and Now or Never"

I'm feeling very bitter and aggravated.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

My MIL passed away about a year before this all took place, so I am not dealing with this, but I am very close to my H's sister and family! They will always accept him, but she has already told my H that she will not allow this to affect our relationship! Unfortunately, family and friends seem to be part of all of this! I am heartbroken at some of the loss, but I keep telling myself that I do not have control over anyone but myself!

I think you should be polite and as you would typically be and if you cry, then they know you are hurting! How they react is not in your control. Hang in there! Good Luck and hugs to you!

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