Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

506 Members
7,364 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Is this a form of abuse?

pickingup
pickingup
My therapist said that ignoring someone and pretending they don't exist is a form of abuse. I have been dealing with this. As you guys may remember, my cheating stbxh loser has gone no contact with me. He only communicates through the mediator. He doesn't copy me on the emails but leaves that up to the mediator. Lately, he has begun referring to me in my full name in the emails. Prior to that it was always the abbreviated name; I can count on one hand, in 22 years, about 3 times he ever referred to me as my full name. I am just really venting as I don't have an outlet. So reading the emails is really painful and of course, in them he is always demanding to know why the process isn't moving forward FASTER.
Please, don't respond to tell me I shouldn't feel this way. I do. It hurts me EVERY TIME I see an email because it is a reminder of how my life with him is over. It cripples me and just throws me into a spiral. I am doing everything I can to let my lawyer know he needs to hurry up with looking over the settlement so I can sign. It's just that the emails trigger me. I got one on New Years Eve! I get it! He wants to move on. I feel it is abusive to me to keep going through this. Does he really need to enquire so much? I know. Deal with it. It ruins my day. Today, I got my student evaluations and they were great. It was something to celebrate and boom, there is the email from that loser just reminding me how he can't wait to be rid of me.
I don't know if I am sensitive but it feels as if he is still abusing me. It's like I feel the anger in the emails. He's getting what he wants but I still feel abused. Tell me if I am being so sensitive. Intellectually, I know the marriage is over; I just keep wishing for a little humanity and feelings. Yes, it is easy for him to end it but I am surviving. it's not so easy for me. It's been 8 months since this nightmare began. I am tired of crying and having a tough time getting out of bed. Last night I made some progress with my dissertation. I was going to start bright and early again. But now, I have just taken like 5 steps backwards. Can't concentrate. Crying again. So sick of this pos still torturing me.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
Oh, honey. I still vividly remember suffering every time I got an email from the now-X during my own divorce. I finally stopped opening them and just automatically FORWARDED anything from him to my attorney.

It's a funny thing with email -- you can't see the person's face AND its way too easy to "read things into them" that may not really be there. So is it abuse? I can't really make a judgment call on that. But if it FEELS like it to you, then stop reading them and do what I did -- just forward them UNOPENED to your attorney.

All during the 18 Months of Hell, the now-X would only sign off using his initials -- something he NEVER did before. For some reason, that irritated the crap out of me! And his emails were full of threats and blame and insisting that I was the one who was dragging things out. It wasn't true, of course, but it still had a negative effect on me.

Take a deep breath and put all this aside for a day. It's understandable that you are upset, but keep this in mind: "Does it hurt when I do that? (read the emails)" If it does, then STOP DOING IT!

Big hugs from sunny Naples
xoxo
MNMama
MNMama
Sorry to hear how painful this is for you. And no-one in their right mind is going to tell you what to feel or not. Of course this hurts, and you can't set it aside to move forward and heal until after you feel it first.
Doesn't matter if it is deliberate abuse or not, it hurts. I like Kathi's idea. Can you just forward the emails to your attorney and let them just give you the pertinent info you need to act on? If not, it's just going to suck until it's over or you move past where it can hurt you.
My only advice is to keep trying to pay attention to the good things in your life; your teaching job, your education. I'm stronger and more peacefilled in my head when I spend time being grateful for what is right in my world. Doesn't mean I have a peachy keen life, just helps me balance what's challenging by recognizing what's blessed.
Take care, keep your eye on the long game, try to remember you can get through this, and know you're not in this alone.
trisha9054
trisha9054
You know your stbx better than any of us. If it feels like he is deliberately doing this to hurt you then you have the right to feel that way. I wouldn't even forward them to your atty. He's sending these to your atty and sending a copy to you. He knows you didn't want this divorce. Me in your circumstances would think he is doing this deliberately to hurt you. Maybe he is only trying to hurry things along. Feel what you need to and try to move ahead with your life. Your life will start to settle into some kind of peacefulness once the divorce is final
pickingup
pickingup
Thanks guys. Unfortunately, I can't forward it to my attorney because we went through mediation. We agreed on the settlement and I sent it to my attorney. He is inquiring about the status/pace of the mediation. He wants to know why my attorney hasn't hurried it up and we aren't finished by now. It would be easier if I didn't have to read it but remember he writes the mediator who emails me and forwards his email to me Anyway, my attorney wants to talk to me tomorrow. I am scared. I hope he just says sign off on it. If he doesn't, I feel that I am in for more bullying. the longer this goes on, the more painful it will be for me. I am hoping he says yes, sign off on it.
I feel like I am back in the first stage: disbelief. I loved this man for 22 years. We were best friends. How can this stranger devalue me so much. People leave marriages. Not all destroy their spouse in the process. I just can't believe this man is capable of doing the things he has done to me. I must be suffering from some abused wife syndrome. I truly wish I can just move on, what I would do just for some peace of mind.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Ugh that sucks ..!! If he's only emailing to nag about the pace maybe send him a response telling him to send all inquires to your attorney and you will not be opening any more emails from him. Then don't. Screw him. When it's finally over and you don't have to communicate or deal with him again it gets easier. I haven't heard or texted or emailed my cheating ex whore for months and believe me it's a relief. We have kids but they're older so I just cut the cord. She texted me a birthday wish in Nov and I immediately deleted and never responded. If she fell off the planet I wouldn't care. And yes the feeling of being thrown away hurts horribly especially for someone else (together 24 years) but after almost 2 years now it's certainly easier.
Just hang in there!
thiscantbe
thiscantbe
Picking up,

If you have to think of him, think of your own words "How can this stranger devalue me so much?" This man does not act like your husband but a stranger. He is not acting lovingly but has been devaluing you. Try to get him out of your mind.

The pain does lessen & the more you see the x for who he really is, the easier it gets for you.

Thoughts & prayers, TCB
pickingup
pickingup
AS ususual, my family here on this site just have pulled me through. I wish to get to your stage kbbcoop77! And thank you, thiscantbe, the voice of reason. Well guys, today is a much better, better day. Praise the lord! I read some of the chumplady's blog and well, that helps the motivation a lot. Also, I have been doing my work! When I can do it and concentrate, I make progress. How I just wish this emotional baggage wasn't hindering me. I would be done with this dissertation already. I remind you guys that the real fallout started in May and it has been unbelievable since then. All of this time wasted is costly in phd land. Never mind. I am doing the best I can. Oh, and I found a job listed that I am excited about so I am going to apply. I pray this frame of mind will stick around (just for a little, so I can get some work done and make progress.) Thank you, my friends. One day at a time.
dairytech
dairytech
No...its not abuse. How you interpret it is. In the beginning stages of divorce...the leavee and the leaver are worlds apart emotionally. His struggles came the years it took before he left....yours began the moment he announced he was leaving. He is at a place where he wants to put all of this behind him and start a new life..you are still coming to terms with what happened and why. His emails seem void of emotion because they are...he is done...you have not met this part of him before. You are still realing with emotion with each email you get...trying to figure out what happened to the man you loved for so long and how could he be so cold towards you. You look for the slightest fragment of the man you knew in each email recieved...when you cant...you become hurt all over again. This is not a judgement against you...god knows I've been down this same road as you many many times...but it is part of the process...something we all do until we get sick and tired of being hurt and do something about it.

Going completely no contact is probably the best way to achieve acceptance of the situation. It can be done regardless of where your legal divorce sits. Our minds trick us into thinking of reasons why we cant go no contact...its just a trick...its actually our desire for the slightest titbit of them that we can get...its a fix so to speak...Big Hugs...Kathy
kamary
kamary
Well done on your study results!! So proud of you!!

My first thought is why do you have to get a copy of every email? Could you possibly have your lawyer receive them instead? Your lawyer would then let you know if there is anything you need to deal with in any of his emails?

I tend to agree with Kathy that the emails are not actually meant to hurt you, but it feels like they are. Is there any way you can get out of that firing line?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

love and hugs
kamary
kamary
kamary
It seems to me that, for some reason, your ex feels he needs to dig the knife in and twist it. My ex did a bit of that as well. From what I've read, they feel guilty about cheating and leaving and they try to dodge feeling that guilt by making you the bad guy. They may even feel that you are responsible in some way for their poor decisions, and so they lay the blame on you and feel the need to hurt you. In my case, I was the one who chose to leave but my ex had been having an affair, unbeknowns to me. My ex was actually quite good until I insisted on getting my fair share of our accumulated finances. He didn't like that one bit and suddenly, out came the fangs.

love and hugs
kamary