My ex was that way after our first divorce. For me it was very confusing. He would come and visit. He would come over for dinner. He would call repeatedly. If I needed something he would drop what he was doing and come right away. We slept together many times. AARRGG! When it didnt work out with the GF he decided I was who he wanted...I jumped at the chance to put our marriage back together again. I packed up my stuff...rented out my house and moved to be with him. Well...to make a long story short...we only lasted 3 years before he did it again.

Look...your ex is dicking someone else. He left you and your family to be with some OW. What he is doing right now is easing his guilt and keeping you on the hook in case it doesn't work out with the OW...this move is right out of the pages of the Cheaters Handbook. Give that man what he thinks he wants! Cut off all contact and start your divorce proceedings. You are not a doormat. He has the best of both worlds right now. Show him you are made of strength and will not put up with his playing both ends of the stick. You have been demoted and someone else is getting his best...you really do need to open your eyes to his ploy...Big Hugs...Kathy

I found it easier for all of same reasons you listed. He agreed to to everything I wanted.

I think in some way we want to suffer, it seems so hard when they capitulate to what we want. They aren't fighting with us, which to me ment he didn't even care.

What I did was look at those I consider had it so much worse.

I got my separation agreement signed within 7 days of his announcing he was leaving. Thehosue was in my name within a month. This made it so hard, how could he do this without a fight. But then I looked at some who it takes years to get this done.

I was divorced one year to do the day that he announced he was done. Again I felt sorry for me, the divorce was so shorty, he really didn't give a crap.

But then you see on here people here six years later they are still in court.

I don't think its easier or harder no matter how it happens. I think its based more on you and your personality, how well do you cope.

momto..both my divorces happened very quickly. I'm not sure if that means anything. All I know for sure is...he was not happy and he still isnt. My ex has regrets...we've talked about it...but that still was not a motivator to fix what was wrong with our marriage...and really...it could have been fixed quite easily in my opinion.

Who knows why they do what they do. Its beyond our control. We are left with the aftermath. You can not fix them...we can only fix ourselves and learn to move on in a healthy way. Stop trying to figure them out..hell...if they cant do it how are we supposed to.

What he did will live with him forever and it does eat at them. In time they begin to see what they have lost and maybe even feel regret...but...what is done is done...you cant undo it.

My ex has suffered great losses since our 2nd divorce...but its the path he chose...there is nothing I can do about it and its not my place to.

I understand your pain and loss...we all do...just know you will grow past this and move on to a more fulfilling rewarding life. For me...I wish it all didnt happen. I loved my ex with all my heart and sole. What I didnt understand at the time was...those are my emotions...because thats how I felt does not mean its how he felt. For whatever reason...his love died. I did everything I could think of to fix that...but those were his emotions that only he could fix...he failed...it was easier to run away rather than face his demons head on...so...he has moved on in another relationship and those demons are reeking havoc yet again...only now...its her problem not mine...Big Hugs...Kathy

Honey, take off those rose-colored glasses and turn a deaf ear to his b.s.!

The man CHEATED ON YOU and I don't care how nice as pie he has been BEFORE or NOW, he's a jerk plain and simple.

All of this is just a smokescreen -- he wants everyone to think he's a real good guy and HE ISN'T! Good guys DON'T cheat on their wives.

Just my two cents....

To me it means: Take whatever you want so that I can pursue what I want.

or he gets to say .....She took everything! Cleaned me out. She's a BIT@H!

I think it would have been easier for me had be been nicer. It got to the point to where I seriously thought had I asked for the dog poop in the back yard, he would have fought me on it. By the time I filed for divorce, I was through with his sorry butt.

Yes, you were very fortunate to have your ex relinquish the monetary grip and quickly agree to divorce terms . You were the few lucky ones in that aspect. Seems you've noticed the highly developed skill called "compartmentalizing" which refers to the habit of consciously separating specific aspects of one's life from others: double life. Most cheaters do cheat in other avenues of life as well.

It takes some pride and arrogance on his part to confess he has told "the women he cheated with, that he will never love " them essentially while he dicks them and later whispers sweet nothings in your ear. That's the game of deception. It comes in many forms and none gives advantage. He was a dang good actor and wore the mask very well while in your presence. I agree, it is difficult to sort out, deception is meant to confuse.

Mine gave me everything I asked for including tax free alimony. He was in on R&R from his overseas job when I had him served. The settlement agreement was done that first week. My atty would suggest and the ex gave.

He was still hiding the new wife from me and I knew he was dumping her. I kept expecting him to get difficult. Well he did when the divorce was granted and got even more difficult when the new wife got into the country.

He became the worst jerk imaginable and I was so glad to be getting free of him. I knew all the nice things and words he said were an act. I knew the cheating would continue and it did.

The ex tried both tactics that Misted wrote about. He was super nice so he looked like the good one. He really milked that for attention from our daughter. Then as we had to get him back into court I was the bitch of the century. He once again cried for help to our daughter. I'm so glad he thinks so badly about me. Maybe that means I will never hear from him ever again.

Maybe there is a blessing in divorcing someone who becomes a jerk. They are showing their true selves. Your ex was cheating and he has his own selfish reason for being nice. He could be using that niceness for a pity party or he's hiding things he wants to keep hidden.

I hated it when the ex was being nice. It was out of character for him. It was much easier to get the divorce when he got vindictive.

My ex definitely plays the nice role to a T. But not only is he nice to me, he is nice to every pretty woman out there. So I was not as special to him as he led me to believe. He still tries to act all sweet and nice to me but I have his number and let it roll right off me. I let him be nice to me but will not let him back in to my heart.

My soon-to-be ex is nice when he's feeling guilty about something he's hiding.

My counsellor warned me that they go through a period of guilt. During that time, the guilt makes them agree to anything you want. I'd reckon you should take advantage of this short period of time and get everything you want while you can. I missed my window. Please don't miss yours.

love and hugs
kamary

My ex was always nice to me ... and always cheating. I am lucky that he didn't ruin me financially but it has been very difficult to get over him. Even now almost 4 years later he tells me he messed up and was "married to the girl he loves"...me.

But words are cheap. Their ACTIONS speak volumes and they clearly dont want to be with the ones they left behind. Guilt, remorse, their demons...I don't care. My heart and health are more important than their (his) issues.

Does he ask to come back Lori? Mine really doesn't. I think he knows that I was a great thing, but he is not worthy! And he is right, Plus we both know there would NEVER be trust. That's not a good a good marriage. I just asked this discussion question because I wondered if it's easier to move one emotionally from men who do treat their exes with indifference or cruelty, it seems like it would be more clear cut.

He's just trying to save face. He's a cheater, a liar and obviously did not respect you enough to keep his pecker home. If he's giving - ask for more... see how quickly he changes his tune. (((Hugs)))

To answer the question more clearly, yes !

Depending on one's socialization, many fail to understand danger's full face. In other words, getting battered in the head is perceived as the ultimate violence will raise immediate urgency. While deception's outward "presentation" appears nice whispering sweet nothings in your ear depleting your bank account might [at first ] be perceived not quite so violent raises urgency slowly. So yes, you are correct, the level of violence [physical or emotional] inflicted is often the standard to SAVE YOUR LIFE.... call it moving on!

cmonge...no he does not ask to come back as he still lives with OW. And he uses that line of not being worthy of me and I deserve so much better. I call it BS. Because they clearly do not want to come back. They just like to feel sorry for themselves. I did give my ex a 2nd chance after hearing this from my ex 2 yrs after divorce. We got back together for 6 mths and cause him cheating again with same girl. That was February 2013 and he still lives with her and still whines how miserable he is and has no feelings for her. However this time he is sadly mistaken if he thinks I am falling for that and hoping he wants to come back. His actions have shown me he is a pathetic liar. No thanks. Heart has been broken and starting to heal. I don't need it broken again.