Yes you have. I am so sorry about your children. Its heartwrenching enough losing your spouse after devoting so many years. I hope with time your kids will come around. This is an excellent group of people who truely understand - I think you will be encouraged here. Welcome

Well let me be the first to tell you that this won't be the end of the world for you. Based upon what you wrote I can tell with your attitude you are going to turn this into the best thing that could of happened to you. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. After being away from him you will realize how you were getting the short end and that the relationship wasn't good for you. You've found a great place. There are a lot of wise people on this board. No one claims to know everything but everyone has something to bring here that has great value. Just by being here and participating you will find information other people will pay big bucks to get for free.

Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear about your children being divided. I can tell you this is normal. Try not to take it too personal. This is a big deal for them too. It won't be like this forever.

Susi, I don't understand why adult children 'take sides' . I know every persons's experience is unique and has parts that are private and can not be shared or understood by 'strangers' on a forum, but I really struggle with this concept. I have three adolescent children, and one did become estranged from his father over our separation, but this was out of anger over his dad's affair and the way he 'emotionally tortured' us all with his coming and going (leaving the house) for almost a year.
Perhaps your children have residual issues from growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent and two of them are placing blame on you. Looks like there is a lot of healing to be done in your family, and I'm glad to see that you have a good attitude at the start.
It will be a journey, but you will survive it! I know there are others here who have dealt with alienation of children and hopefully you all will connect.
Welcome to our forum, and I hope you find comfort and healing advice here - I sure have! Best

Welcome Susi. Sorry you have to be here but you have found a wonderful group! There is much wisdom here. I believe mtnliobait has a similar situation and her son who was estranged is coming back into her life. Your children may take some time to realize the truth. Be patient. The best way to show them you are emotionally healthy is to live a happy, productive life. If they have the same issues as their Dad, you may not have them back in your life. Hopefully you have a good therapist and attorney. You will need them!

Isn't it amazing how they tell us what we are supposed to do, think and say--but WE have that kind of control over them. How do you MAKE someone chose to be an alcoholic?

Welcome Susi. Sorry to hear about your children! Know you have found a great safe place to vent and do some self searching for healing.

Hi Susi. Welcome here. I'm sorry you need to be here but am glad you found this site. It's been a great shot in the arm for me.

My relationship was for 39 years, too - together for 5 and married for 34. My case is a little different. I chose to leave my ex because it was obvious that he didn't love me. Two of my three children estranged from me. One of them agreed to counselling and we're reconciled. The other is still very distant. It's very hard. I find the estrangement much harder than even the years of being treated like I didn't exist by my ex and the divorce.

I understand and I can see that you have a good attitude about it all. Know that you're far from alone in your experience.

love and hugs
kamary

Hugs to you-this place has been a life saver to me.
I was with a narcissist for 27 years, and have only recently had my eyes open to how abnormal our relationship was.
I know you are on a rollercoaster, but please visit here often and post-it really does help.

Welcome Susi. You have landed in a good place. It's very hard when your children take sides.... in my case it started well before we even separated. Ex wanted to be a friend instead of a parent so Mom was the enemy. So, part of the fallout is that my son barely communicates with me. I will continue to keep trying and all I can do is pray that one day he will come around. He's 18 and has emotional problems on top of everything else.

We're here to help you along your journey. Stay strong

Welcome Susi, I was married to a narcissist for 33 years and I chose to leave when I found out the truth about what he was doing. My daughter said she was okay with the divorce but when it was final she pulled away from me. For three years I only saw her on Thanksgiving and then her dad called on her for help and I had to tell her to butt out. That was the best thing I could have done. I would call every few weeks and leave her a voice message. "Hi,I miss you and I love you. Call when you can."

Finally she saw her dad for what he is and she is back in my life with a beautiful baby girl that I get to play with. Just be super patient and hopefully your children will be back in your life. I never gave up and I never pushed at her. I just left those messages.

Susi - welcome to the group. Sorry you are here - but you'll find your not alone.

Get prepared for a fight. and don't worry about your children - they will see eventually and come home to you.

We are here to help - stay strong and post your fears and concerns.

Welcome to DS. You will find lots of support and advice here.

I agree with the others--your kids are being manipulated by him but will likely wake up as soon as he starts his manipulation and control on THEM. Verbal/emotional abusers have to have someone to abuse, and when you are gone, he will turn his attention to them.

Keep the lines of communication open and stay strong.

Sending hugs!

(((hugs)))

Keep posting, many here will understand. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep the faith that the children will come around. Be there for them. Build your support group. I liked support groups in the beginning. I still do. Al-anon has been a safe place for me as well.

hugs

Hi and welcome Susis. I am confident you will find a lot of love and support from the people here. I've been here almost 3 years now...this group has been my rock. I was married for 24 years and divorced twice by the same man...aarrgg. I survived and you will too. You may even discover life can be wonderful again.

I'm sorry your children are choosing sides but know in your heart...its temporary. It may take some time...but eventually they will learn the same lessons you have where your H is concerned. Stand with your arms and heart wide open...Big Hugs...Kathy