Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
So, in early January, out of the blue is a handwritten letter on the kitchen table. The gist of it was he was leaving me, it was all my fault. I was completely horrible, he wrote, he wouldn't go into detail because it would be too hurtful to me. he explained how our finances would be divided and said not to try to get in touch with him under any circumstance or he would call the authorities.
I thought I would go mad, I was in shock, I had not seen this coming at all. We had been together for 27 years married for 24.
After limited counselling and a support group, great support from family and friends I still felt worthless and doubtful I would ever have love again.
Meanwhile, over the last six months, we are in regular contact, he is sporadically fixing the house to get a better sale. We go out for a meal about once a week. I often cry in front of him, it doesn't touch him emotionally. He makes sure I know he does not love me anymore.
Well, last week he told me he was going on a road trip alone to Reno or Vegas or somewhere, very vague. Said he'd be gone for 4, 5 6 or maybe 8 days.
Well this was so out of character, so out of character, it got me thinking and putting things together. Im pretty sure that: He has been communicationg with a women for about a year before he left, six months since he left. They may have met once, so this road trip will be the first or 2nd meeting. He is completely in love with this 2 dimensional screen.
Funnily enough after finding this out I don't feel so bad. I certainly would noy try to compete with a fantasy, she must be perfect and telling him he's perfect too.
Anyone experienced this?
I thought I would go mad, I was in shock, I had not seen this coming at all. We had been together for 27 years married for 24.
After limited counselling and a support group, great support from family and friends I still felt worthless and doubtful I would ever have love again.
Meanwhile, over the last six months, we are in regular contact, he is sporadically fixing the house to get a better sale. We go out for a meal about once a week. I often cry in front of him, it doesn't touch him emotionally. He makes sure I know he does not love me anymore.
Well, last week he told me he was going on a road trip alone to Reno or Vegas or somewhere, very vague. Said he'd be gone for 4, 5 6 or maybe 8 days.
Well this was so out of character, so out of character, it got me thinking and putting things together. Im pretty sure that: He has been communicationg with a women for about a year before he left, six months since he left. They may have met once, so this road trip will be the first or 2nd meeting. He is completely in love with this 2 dimensional screen.
Funnily enough after finding this out I don't feel so bad. I certainly would noy try to compete with a fantasy, she must be perfect and telling him he's perfect too.
Anyone experienced this?
your husband's line about your fault and not wanting to hurt you is very typical and it boogering up your feelings of self worth is as well
I sorry that your husband went out of character and lost all of his, of of which is on him
your last paragraph is on point, thank you, i find it helpful for my own self image
i am sorry for the hell he is and will put you through
I like that part about losing his character, he certainly has.
I believe he is understandably ashamed of how he met his honey and would have at some point in the future introduced her as someone he met after he broke up with me. I have pipped him to the post though sharing the evidence with everyone I can.
Hugs to you.
He campaigned and pulled in all the favors he could to get back to China so he could see her. I remember that he wrote me he would be offline for a few days. That he had to go into Hong Kong for some medical reason. That was when he married her in 2005. Their marriage license was issued in Hong Kong. Yes, I managed to get a copy of that too.
It took many months and a lot of work to find out just what the ex had done. During that time his whole personality had changed. Narcissist tend to take on the personality of the people around them. He could no longer change into the man I had married. That man no longer existed and he now "belonged" to someone else. This was not something that could be worked out and I filed for divorce in 2006. It hurt but I did what I had to do and set about trying to make a new life for myself. It took a lot of counseling and hard work to get where I am today.
It does get better but you have to work at it. There will be a lot of steps forward and many steps back. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it did me. But the ex was still causing me financial problems for six years after the divorce. I'm happy now and I know that eventually you will be too. There are no shortcuts to getting past a divorce and a cheating spouse.
So so true...my wife of 24 years did the exact same thing. The guy she got her claws into...she has morphed into his dream gal...changed all her interests and music preferences to what he likes and now she's a football fan haha...she HATED it for 24 years, couldn't even be in the same room if it was on. She is longggg gone from who she was, bizarre but I've given up trying to figure it out. I've read enough after the split about this disorder so she can go enjoy her fake life and I'll enjoy our children lol.
It's extremely hurtful and painful to be betrayed. This sort of grief goes through several different stages and being married for so long, it's going to waffle and take time. Time is your friend.
Just know that you are not alone - there are many, many of us betrayed spouse going through this later in life. There is life after this - just get through it first.
Some might claim his misbehavior is due to mid-life crises. Even so, the H needs money to take trips! He can think he is perfect but just so he understands, he does not get to squander marital money. Do not ignore this and do not minimize his efforts at putting you into a precautious position of "homelessness" and financial uncertainty.
I met with his sister last night. I wanted to use her to let him know I knew what he was up to.
Immediately she spilled, her anger with him of involving her in his secrets, she considers herself my friend and keeping his lies fro me was making her into a liar too.
Anyway, the honey is 30 years old, 2 young children, very good job after 7 years of universityand lives in the Eastern US.
Pen** brain is 58, not bad looking but looks about 58. He has a 40 -a-day habit that makes him cough like a drain. No money to speak of, didnt finish grade school, lives on the Wesrt coast of Canada.
I think she must be playing a sick game with him - more power to her.
He has been stringing me along for the past six months, contuallly lying. texting me often.
The worst though is - for the past 20 years he claims he was too afraid to fly. I now find out this road trip was actually him flying to her.
Please get yourself protected financially from this liar. If he's been stringing you along for half a year, he's been planning it longer than that.
It might be best too, to see if you can't keep him away from you, and the house, while getting the divorce sorted out. If he's that good at hiding and manipulation, you might start healing better with no contact, or only through the lawyers.
You've got a long way to go, and we're here to support you in any way we can.
I don't see any reason to reveal anything to him about what you do know. I agree with Tobywin, you need to make sure he isn't blowing money that is half yours. Have either of you filed yet?
Please contact an attorney if you haven't already.
Sending healing hugs!