I have myt fingers crossed big time for you to get the job... I so hope so!

Your friends are right - it would help you tremendously if you get a job. And I'm praying that you get this one, but if you don't, don't look at it as another failure but a step in the right direction. We've all been where you are right now, maybe just yesterday, maybe today, and most likely in our tomorrows. But in between there are brighter moments - a glimpse of the of what's to come more frequently. You need to believe that. Life in general is quite difficult. When you think of the years with your husband, try to also remember the times that were not so great, and how lonely you felt with him. Maybe this will help a little when you think of his arms around you. Every day is difficult fatallove, but if you begin to go out and seek other friendships you'll find that your focus on him will diminish in time and you won't find yourself thinking about him as often as you do now. How long will it take? Every persons situation is different, but your time will surely come. Force yourself to do what is right for you! I know, many friends told me the same thing and I didn't want to believe it. But as much as I felt like a robot, a liar about my smiles to others, I kept seeking interaction. Today it's not fake anymore. I'm beginning to feel like the woman I was before I married him, and I like that feeling very much. Give yourself a chance to remember what it was like without him, you may be surprised at what you will find emotionally, financially, physically and socially. I'm prayin' for ya lady!

You are right. It's not right, and it's not fair. Unfortunately, it is what is on your plate right now. It's ok to still love him, and hate him. It's a crazy time as we move on. But be careful about what you love....do you love HIM or what you felt about life when you were with him? YOU can bring back those feelings about life without him. You can be secure with a job without him. You can be beautiful and delightful and funny without him. You can be a mother, a friend, a daughter, whatever! You have a life line....look at it. I mean draw a long line, from the day your were born. See how much time you lived without him. See your time with him. See how much time you have left without him. Put it into perspective....you have had a life without him and you will again. He does not define you, and you don't need his love to BE WHO YOU ARE. Try to connect with who you were before you got lost. Before you met him. What kind of music did you listen to? Listen to it again. What did you do that was fun? Ride horses? Dance? Knit? Whatever it was, do it again. FEEL what you felt like before you met him. Feel your spirit. That will wake you up and sput you on. You can love him and the time you had with him. You can love you and the time you now have to do whatever you want with your life.
Look at this as a weird kind of gift.....and it will be a gift. When I get all caught up in what I have lost, I just change the words to what have I gained? Or what could I gain from this? There ARE possibilities....really and truly. Ask God to show you where the light is, and HE will. Patience, kindness to yourself, lower your expecttions, indulge, exercise, eat well, honor your values, be true to yourself. Smile at everyone and you will feel happier. Fake it till you make it. Cliche's are cliche's because they work. Hang in there.....and the next time you think of him and OW, stop yourself and instead picture taking an eraser and sweeping the picture away. If you do this over and over, the picture WILL fade. It's hard, but you are strong and CAN control your thoughts. I know I have thrown a lot out at you, so take one step at a time. These are ideas that have worked for me over the past two years. Just love yourself. You certainly deserve that!

Ah sweetie I am so sorry that you are still hurting. I think it's normal to still have these strong feelings of him afterall you gave your life to this man and your marriage and these things don't go away over night.

I think Polly has so much great advice above. Advice worth listening to and trying.

I know this doesn't help you right now but the only thing that will make this nightmare fade from your mind is time. A lot of time. I'm not talking a few months, it could be a year or more. But, you know you have come so far already and you will come even further along with time.

As for family and friends....I understand that they just don't get it. They don't know the depth of your hurt and they just want you to move on. They mean well, but they are not in your shoes, feeling what you are feeling. But we are....we've been where you are and some of us still are. So make sure you come here, talk to us, let us help you.

I also suggest you get some counseling if you are not already. For me I know it helps to talk to someone about it. I know counseling has helped so many and I think you could benefit from it too. Based on your finances there are resources available to help you. You can work out a payment plan with a local city subsidized counseling program or your insurance might even cover it, mine does.

I know exactly what you mean about just going through the motions. I still feel that way sometimes. The actual divorce hit me pretty hard and I know you just went through that too. It kind of puts us back as square one and we feel as if we are starting all over again. The good news is that we're not. We are starting from today...from right now and only we can propel ourselves forward into the unknown. But that doesn't mean it has to be scary it can be exciting.

I can promise you there is happiness in your future. Polly is right....he didn't make you the person you are. He didn't enhance you as a person or a woman - you are a caring, wonderful woman all on your own and you don't need him in your life to keep believing this about yourself.

We are here for you Fatallove. You are not alone and you can lean on us every moment of every day until you are out of the woods and walking on your own. Hang in there hon. Hugs and love to you.

Hugs! I know how tough this is. You're where I was a year ago--just going through the motions of living. I'm happy to say after a year that life is so much better. I still have a few sad days, but nothing like it was in the beginning.

It's okay to vent, just keep moving forward. Just love yourself.

(((((((Fatallove))))))))

It's time (as Zen would say) to find your sassy self. Find the girl you were before you met him. You have let him take so much from you. Now you have to show him what he has lost. I do understand. We all do. I went to my knees when my ex left. I laid in bed and just cried. Finally, I thought why am I letting him have this power over me? F him. I picked myself up and dusted myself off. I have an occasional pity party. Nothing like in the beginning.

Get tough. You're young and you have so many good years left. Many hugs to you.

Been too long my friend, you have received good advice.......but you are healing it can be a long sloe process but you are doing it.....you are now at least putting that foot out there and taking steps........maybe you can focus on how low this ass is...the things he has done to you and your children..or the lack of what he has done......use it to fuel your anger.....show the ass what he is missing out on....get the sassy back....what sld1 is referring to is a post by zen11...saying that we need to get back to that sassy,self like when we were teenagers...when someone crossed up we would tell them to F off, pr piss up a rope........we all need to get that sassy back.....

but you are growing, healing and getting stronger.....

AJJ

You have some good advice here but I'm gonna be tough on you. You aren't going to find any comfort until you get your ex out of your head. You can't let him go because he is familiar. You have to let him go to move forward. Stop thinking like a victim. Start thinking like a survivor.

You are so strong and so smart! Don't let this man hold you back any longer!!!!! He's gone. You're here. What are you going to do about it?

Instead of rehashing thoughts or even anger about him, start visualizing your life and what you want. Start dreaming again. Try new things. Go back to doing things you enjoyed. Fill your mind and your days with thoughts of you and your kids.

You are the only one who can change this situation. Get into counseling. Change your thought patterns. BE who you want to be. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Laugh and sometimes ya gotta laugh at yourself. Appreciate what you do have! Write down that list of what is good in your life. Find a divorced woman who has survived and thrived and use her as a guide. Rekindle friendships and make new ones.

And totally, get your sassy back. Look in the mirror and find that beautiful, smart, sexy, fun woman. She's there. Let her come on out and play.

Wish you all the best!!!!! Many hugs to you!

I remember being where you are....and it wasn't that long ago. And oh how I hope I never find myself in that place again. I am here to tell you that 6 months down the road and even after trying to reconcile with him and watching it blow up in my face.....I am still in a better place than I was at the start. I remember the sheer agony of knowing he had the other woman in MY house, sleeping in MY bed, using MY bathroom, cooking on MY stove!!!! I remember avoiding him...and his entire family....heck I moved to another town 45 minutes from where we use to live and where I still work in order to limit my chances of running into him.

But thankfully, the pain isn't as merciless as it once was. I have learned a couple of things and the first and absolutely most important thing you need to do is to give yourself a break!!! This is a healing PROCESS....each of us heals at our own pace and in our own way. For me, I cried, cried, cried, and when I was finished....I cried some more. Then I prayed....really prayed...not for restoration of my marriage but for God's will in my life and I finally determined that I had two choices---grieve until I became bitter and strung out on meds, OR force myself to look at all the things I STILL had that I was so grateful for: My life, the opportunities to try new things(I'm going to learn how to paint--take lessons and everything!!), the love of my children, family and friends, my car, my new shiny ear-rings that look so cute, the warm cup of coffee on chilly mornings, the warm shower that washes over me and refreshes me each day..my white flip-flops..my new finger-nail polish...basically any thing that helps me to see that life is good, and happiness is possible. I laughed like a kid the other day watching some stray dog trying to chase a bumble bee out in the back yard!!!

Force yourself to smile...believe it or not it has a psychological effect on us when we smile and it does gets easier and easier. Force yourself to see the good in the world--it's there!!!

The second most important thing I learned, and I learned it the hard way---DO NOT have contact with him ---AT ALL---it goes against everything your heart is telling you to do---but it is absolutely essential for you to heal----if he wants you back---he will make it happen...if he wants it bad enough!!! If you talk to him and he expresses ANY word of concern or care for you then you are likely to read more into it than is really there. I did....more than once...even to the point of moving back in with him, only to find out 2 weeks later that -yes -he had stopped seeing the woman whom he took to my house over Christmas--but that did not stop him from starting up something with another woman---AND not only with her, but with yet another woman as well--- WHILE I was living with him, sleeping with him, cooking, cleaning and all the other stuff that goes into being a wife--needless to say that after 2 weeks--I packed my stuff and RAN!!!!He had even planned a trip to Myrtle Beach with yet a another woman right under my nose--(just recently found this out)--and actually took her--, while texting me two weeks afterward---on Easter Sunday with how much he missed me, how truly sorry he was for what he had done and what he had become!!!!!

Believe me and I really do mean this kindly---DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING HE TELLS YOU--he's not thinking about YOUR needs---only his. So, the less contact the better!!!

Third...invest your time and energy into people who try to nurture you. Tell your family, and tell them often, how much you appreciate their love and patience while you struggle through this. Tell YOURSELF that although you may not have been the perfect spouse the choice was HIS and his alone to take up with another woman.

You will be happy again....I still cry...more than I would like...and I still curse him out loud in my car....but I'm starting to have fun....and being alone is something I don't dread so much anymore...I LIKE the person I'm becoming...which is more than I can say about the woman I was when I was with him these last few years.

Try to EMBRACE the change and turn toward the fear....open your arms...accept the part of you that feels like a little girl abandoned in the dark closet afraid of the boogeyman....and LOVE that part of you.....then and only then....when you ACCEPT that this is REALLY happening....and face the fear of the unknown....will you be able to step out of that dark closet into a bright world waiting to see what YOU will do with this WONDERFUL opportunity to define YOUR life on your terms.

Join me and the others here....because this is our chance to START OVER and build the life that we REALLY want and would be proud to have. Don't worry about him, don't worry about being alone, you are a strong, capable, bright, energetic woman who WILL come out on the other side and soar high on eagle's wings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't think I could ever give up on my stbx....i didn't want to believe that after 30 years together.....he wouldn't want me back....I mean we had been together for THIRTY years...but now....it's me who has decided that I don't want him back....and honey when you finally see that you are better off without him....and YOU DON"T WANT HIM back.....OMG...will your perspective on this change...BIG TIME....mine did....and I like the change.....

So, hang on....don't give up....and don't give in.....just hang on.....brighter days will come....I promise....they really will.....

I can relate to you so much it scares me...I could have written this...most of it anyway. I love him and dont know how to let go. I hate what he's done and yet still try to find ways to work it out. I am wasting my life while he seems to move forward without me. My heart feels like it will not heal. I have been sending out resumes for months and nothing...nothing. I wish you the very best and hope you get the job. I do feel like that will help me as well...especially when it omes to paying bills :)
HUGS to you...I am with you in thought.

Fatalove: Love and Hate are the two closest emotions that we are capable of. They are both all-consuming and very strong. I have been exactly where you are -- emotionally wrung out, distanced from family and friends, pissed off at my philadering husband and SCARED OF WHAT THE FUTURE MAY HOLD. Well, if I survived, YOU CAN, TOO! You will! It just takes time.
Let me point something out to you, friend. It is a known fact that children who have been horribly abused by a parent or parents will scream, kick, cry and carry on when they are taken away from them. Because the abuse is so familiar to them, they will choose the abuse over protection from abuse! As adults, we often choose what is "familiar" over the unknown...for the same psychological reasons that the children mentioned do it. It's sick when you think about it, but it's part of human nature.
I don't remember what your marital life was like, but no matter how good or how bad, your husband walked out on you, correct? Now, ask yourself: if he didn't respect you enough to be faithful to you, do you REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM? I don't think so.
Obviously, none of us KNOW what the future holds for us. I was married for 23 years (and add to that 6 years of living together beforehand) and I NEVER IMAGINED that my marriage would end. But it did. So being nervous about the future now shouldn't be any different from the normal "fear" of the unknown you had when you were still in the marriage. YOU have the choice here -- to stay "stuck" in a cycle of pain and anguish OR to rise to the occasion and TAKE CONTROL OF CREATING A BETTER, HAPPIER AND EMOTIONALLY HEALTHIER LIFE FOR YOURSELF.
If you haven't done so already, please find a counselor or therapist to help you through this emotional minefield. It is a rollercoaster, for sure, and were it not for my therapist helping me through my 18 Months of Hell, I'm sure I would be on the "permanently emotionally disabled" list today.
We're here to listen, support and help you in any way we can. Vent when you need to, but please, get some professional help for this difficult time.
Prayers and love to you, my friend.

Despite my long winded usual advice I will keep this short. A lot had been covered. Counseling is always what I advocate for all going through this, it is an objective supportive opinion of someone in your corner. Good legal advice is another, a lot of the anguish of divorce is we have or we think we have lost control of our life or our situation and a good attorney lifts the load off of you to help also be objective and seperate the emotional from the business side.

I have a different take on the reverting back to your sassy girlhood self, that is not going to happen.. because who we are at any one time is our authentic self which is formed by our life experience and that includes a long term marriage. When people say to me are you sorry you picked him or what you went through I say never.. for it helped make me who I am today. I am fortunate I married at 26, I lived a whole independent life before I met him, had other intimate relationships and being married to HIM was just part of who I am, and it will part of who I will always be. Despite what you feel right now, you have a long life ahead. It may not seem that way, and the fear is real, but you are your own individual identity, and no matter if you married at 17 or older, you still are yourself. The trick is to dig deep and find that person.. and it may have changed. One thing divorce has taught me, is that I can be and do whatever I want. So what is you are not meeting the expectations or you are "different" than your family thinks you should be. YOU are! For this is a life altering. It should be, and be yourself, your statement about faking your emotions is all telling.. Be who you want to be.. and believe me it changes, and it does get better. I have been divorced a year, alone and I embraced that, for me that is the right path, I do not need anyone else to define me. Give yourself time to mourn the death of the relationship, but do not let it consume of ruin you..

Best to you, and remember, at this time of your life in some ways you can do whatever YOU want. Hugs