Sciteacher... as I read your post, I could not go pass it without my two cents. It makes me sooo mad that they are the ones that ran, found faults in us that were their excuse for their running away, but we are the ones that are convicting and seeing ourselves as the bad one. After reading your post I have decided I am going to try my hardest to NOT find the entire faults on me for his unhappiness. They had things about them that we could have packed and ran, trade them in or depose them on the side of the road for the garbage man to pick them up....but we didn't!

This is me three to four days out of the week blaming me for his selfish way of discarding me. Yes, by no means was I perfect and will never be, but to run, leave or abandon him was never the answer that came to mind when he did or did not do what I thought he should and I deserved. I am 49 yrs/ old and I too find it scary to be alone, but I will continue to pray for a way to STOP looking and pointing his faults as mine. He was the cheater, liar and be a manipulator. I truly feel that that is why we have more bad days than good ones; we are carrying on our back fought that are not rightfully ours.

My three children are grown and they too couldn’t understand the pain and hurt that I was dealing with… I had to find an example for them to relate to (son is 28, girls 25 & 26), now they tell me when I am deep in thoughts, “you do whatever you need to do to get over it mom, we are here for you.” I am soooo blessed with them in my life, I have to work hard at this to get better, to share more smiles and laughter with them and to show them it was painful, but I MADE it!!!! Tried to shorten this, please forgive the run on and add ins w/errors.

((((Hugs))))

Sciteacher, you need to be gentle with yourself. Three and a half months is but a blip on the radar of healing. I remember having similar thoughts so I get where you're coming from. Be patient--now is not the time to worry about finding someone else--that day will come (and YES, it will come). Right now, work on you. Do some reading, counseling, etc.-- all those things that help you heal. It will take time but I can assure you that one day you will feel like yourself again.

In my opinion, learning to be alone was the toughest hurdle of this process, but I do believe I have mastered it. Some look at being alone as a type of prison-all dark and negative. But being alone can be richly rewarding too. That's the time you can find those hobbies and activities you never had time to do before. Being alone doesn't mean you can't have friends or family over or chat with others on the phone or visit via the Internet. Alone doesn't mean lonely--they are two completely different things. Being alone is not as scary as I thought it would be and now I cherish my alone time. You will get there too. Be gentle with yourself.

Healing hugs!

Yeah, I too wish you weren't so desperate. Sounds like you're contemplating on jumping back on that bus heading to the place called "Repeat the Cycle of Misery and Pain". Since you've realized this, don't act on it. There is lots of information of how one responds to long history of being the recipient of passive aggressiveness and deficient / negligent relationships. Get connected to healthy mentoring groups to show you the way to healthly love.

A way of looking at the pain, is the realization, that it's your protective mechanism to KEEP AWAY. It wants you to RUN! If anything, fear any desires you might WANTING the fabulous old life of being neglected and rejected.

As one of the "long-timers" on this board, I will echo what hurtinandhealin' and tobywinn say. You are still in the shock phase. Expecting yourself to be "over it" or through the self-blaming part already is unrealistic. You are doing all the right things. Stay with counseling, group therapy, talk with us here -- this is a PROCESS and you simply have to work through it. Be with the feelings as they come up, but don't do anything stupid! No alcohol, either, because too many people try to drown their sorrow and then end up even more depressed!

If it makes you feel any better, it took me 9 MONTHS to get to the point where I told my attorney to file suit and take the lying, cheating coward to the cleaners! Once I turned THAT corner, it was still another long 9 months to final divorce and a lot more therapy for me. However, when it was finally over, I was in pretty good shape emotionally and financially. You have to be gentle with yourself but hang tough on settlement issues. Do NOT let your emotions cloud your financial judgement or you WILL regret it.

The rest of my story is no secret here, either. Six months after the divorce was final, I met a man on eHarmony and fell head over heels in love with him. We became engaged a year later and were SUPPOSED to get married this past March. Well, I guess I needed the perspective of a couple of years with a new man because in 2011, I started having serious doubts about the relationship. Put off doing anything about it until I got a contract on my farm last January and then it all came to a head rather quickly. I moved 1,100 miles away in April and while getting over the disappointment wasn't easy, I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally NOW than I ever was before.

If I had that to do over again I would never have suggested that he and I combine our households so quickly. I needed TIME to figure out what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life (I was 54 when the divorce was final). That man and I had 5-1/2 years together and while I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, what I really needed to experience BEFORE getting a new guy was learning how to live independently and alone again. The 18 months I was alone waiting for divorce was one thing -- I was in "full combat mode" and that's just not the same as being single and not being under duress.

As of Nov. 20, I have been down here in sunny Naples, FL for 7 months and am really hitting my stride again. I am dating and just having some fun. There is someone with whom I can possibly envision a more serious relationship, BUT I'm taking my sweet time at it. And just for the record, I turned 60 this past March. I don't feel like my life is over and I KNOW that I won't be alone for the rest of my life.

Keep the faith, my dear. And lean on us when you need to. We are no substitute for professional help, but we're here just about 24/7 and will listen to you and offer the support you need as best we can. xoxo

Each one of you had so many different wonderful perspectives on this. Tobywinn - you always say it like it is (I love that about you) - yes, I do realize how wrong it is to be so needy and so I guess I just needed validation that I should not seek out another relationship so early in the process. But it is so hard to be without a partner when you always had companionship!
Kathi - I am so happy for you. You sound like you have your act together and I wish you the best. If you are 60 and feel like you won't be alone the rest of your life, then I (at 57) will try to be as positive as you.
I appreciate all the responses and support you all have given me and please know that I do go to a therapist and will be going to a "Rebuilding" workshop starting in Jan. one evening a week for 10 weeks. I also joined some meetup groups to meet people and make some friends since I just moved here a few months ago. I am trying but I do get so discouraged so easily because this grieving/healing process takes sooooo much energy! HUGS to all of you. Donna

Hi, sciteacher
I haven't posted much in a long while, but two years ago I cane here after finding myself in a situation very similar to yours. My husband wasn't a drunk or a cheater, he just came home one day after thirty years of marriage and told me he was unhappy and walked out.
I spent the next year blaming myself, agreeing with his negative view of our marriage, and trying to get him back. It's been a long and emotionally exhausting journey to get to where I am today where I can recognize that he was passive aggressive and that it wasn't all my fault that things turned out as they did. It's still very difficult for me to lose the marriage I thought I had, but I have at least come to the understanding that it just wasn't as black and white as my husband said it was. I was prepared to work out any problems we had, but he chose to walk away, as did your husband....
So, please start trying to value yourself and the positive things you brought to your marriage. It won't take away the pain of your loss but it will help you enormously as you go forward into a new life that is not of your choosing and not of your making.
Be strong and take one day at a time, and come here often -- the "old timers" here are a great source of wisdom and support.
Big hugs and many blessings.

Your feelings are totally normal for what you are going through. I agree with everything the others wrote. This is a long row to hoe, but hang in there...keep doing the work and planting more seeds. You will eventually reap the reward. (((HUGS)))

Well...I got that opportunity to get my old life back...it happened between divorce #1 and Divorce #2. I think divorce #2 explains what the outcome was. As much as we fantasize and romanticize how getting a 2nd chance would look like...the reality is...like mine...everything that was wrong the 1st time comes back 10 fold. Accepting the fact that your marriage is broken is the first step. Even if you were to get that 2nd chance your marriage would still be broken. Marriage counselling and personal therapy would be the only way to overcome the obstacles and relationship patterns...so if he wouldnt go...there is no hope in hell of repairing damage done...especially on his part. Truly...the best thing you can do for yourself and him is go no contact and give that man what he thinks he wants...that is probably the biggest wake up call he could ever get and make sure you get your fair share of the marriage assets and pensions...Big Hugs...Kathy

I just have to say...I tried really hard to do the friends thing with just my ex not the OW...even at that...those old patterns came back and I found myself falling into the passive roll...allowing him to tell me what to do and how to do it...he even started scolding me for things I said. So...for me...I realized it just cant work even as friends and went NC yet again..