I was so stupid tonight. My kids went to their dad's today for his week with them and after they left my daughter called and said she needed a certain outfit for school tomorrow and asked if I would bring it over. Tomorrow is her first day in middle school so it's kind of important for her so I said sure. I went to the stbx's house which I've never been in before, he's only been in it about a month. When I got there, my daughter wanted to show me her room. I knew I probably shouldn't but I didn't want to disappoint her so I said okay and went in. The stbx was outside and my daughter showed me around (except his room). I did notice that there were several decorations he I doubt he would buy himself so I have a feeling it was the ow. But what upset me the most was as you are walking out the door, there was a plaque above the door that said, "I made a wish and you came true". I KNOW it isn't anything he would buy, and my daughter said he "found" it. But I know it was from the whore and I'm sure she had him put it there so he could see it every time he walked out the door.

I'm so heartbroken. I know about him and her, but to be confronted with it so openly.... I knew I shouldn't have gone in. I can't believe that he is getting the love I should be giving him from some skank. He had absolutely nothing of our life together there. I didn't expect it, but how nice it would have been to see some kind of appreciation for our past. But I know he doesn't want any reminders at all. He has a new life and a new woman and I'm just ... gone.

I hate this. I hate the sadness that never leaves, even when I'm happy. No matter what I do, no matter how happy I am, it's just on the surface. The core of me feels so so sad. I know with time things get better, I'm so much better now than I was before, but this underlying sadness. It's just as strong, sometimes stronger now than it was before. Will that ever go away? How do I accept that the love of my life is gone and is getting his emotional needs met by someone else? Everyone kept saying " don't worry their relationship is not going to last" but it has. Her divorce is now final. She's in love with him. I can see that. He says he's not in love with her but he has feelings for her. I had a friend who hadn't seen him in a long time with me and while I was in the house she talked to him because she's known him for almost as long as she's known me and she asked him if this is what he wanted and if this made him happy. He told her he had to do what was right for him. I don't know why, but I always hope that he'll say something different, that he made a mistake, that he still loves me or that he wants to come home or something like that when I know darn well it isn't going to happen. If I could just get rid of that hope!!!

I just don't know what kind of future I have to look forward to. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this sadness. No matter what I do it's always there, sitting in the pit of my soul dampening every moment I have. Even when I am laughing on the outside, I'm crying on the inside. Will I ever experience a moment of pure joy ever again? I am changed forever. My innocence and naivety about the sad and loneliness in this world, what has now become my world, is gone. I will never be the same again. Why? Why has this happened? I ask myself over and over again. Sure I could go back and point out different things that I or he could have done to make things better, but to me, it was always possibility. Now, it's something that was a missed opportunity. My desire to go back is so intense it penetrates my dreams. I had a dream I could stay in the now or go back in time to before we had children when we were young and only responsible for ourselves and careless and madly in love. I chose to go back despite my wonderful children and family and friends and career. He was the originator of all those things and he was all that mattered and when I was there with him, i was at peace. Will I ever feel that way again? Will the sorrow ever feel like just a flesh wound? I am so empty inside.