Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
This past week, I've been trying to do some holiday shopping. I did it last year on my own but I was still in shock so it was all a blur. But this year, as I've walked through the stores, lonely and disconnected, I feel so lonely and out of control. The holidays were a HUGE thing in our family. Our Christmas decorations were usually in the news and papers and there was no time better in the year. My husband and I shopped and spent fortunes spoiling our kids and going above and way beyond to have everything just right. This year the loneliness has never been more painful and I am barely able to keep it together enough to leave the store without bawling. I don't know if I've ever felt so alone. Finding a cool toy and turning to him to show him how excited I was to give the little gift that only we would understand, the rolling of his eyes and his laugh saying was crazy. God I miss it so much my tears a flowing as I write this. I've tried going with other people but I feel even more lonely. It's my baby's first Christmas this year and I should be able to get excited about the gifts we are getting her. I want to call him and tell him about the cutest pair of boots I found or the perfect toy for her. It's not right. My heart is shattered and the dread of Christmas shopping by myself makes me cry. He will have his gf to shop with, and share with and I will be that single lonely woman walking the aisles with no clear idea of why I even exist much less why I'm trying to pretend like I'm okay. I'm so not okay!!! We have our first mediation next week and I just want him to hold me and promise me everything will be okay. I just want my life back. I want to feel secure gain, I want to not have to worry about finances, I want to look at the clock all day waiting for the time when he walks in the door and around the corner. I don't want to feel panic when the car starts making a funny sound or when the sink starts leaking. I need his arms around me when my children get sick and I'm emotional and need him to reassure me. I just want to go to him and tell him how much I miss him. I don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays. I'm so sad and so utterly lonely.
I was talking to a friend of mine today.I had avoided talking with her for along time, she is the wife of a pastor. We were talking about strength, and I said I am so tired of hearing how strong I am. I am not strong enough to do this on my own. She was very quiet for a moment and then she said, "No your not, none of us are strong enough to go through this life on our own. This is why we surround ourselves with friends and family, you are strong enough when you have others to hold you up when you get tired" No one had said that to me in that way...when someone says your strong you can do this, you want to believe it, you need to believe and for a moment you do. She gave me permission to admit that I need my friends, that I cant do this by myself, its ok to be sad, its ok to be angry, and it is ok to feel weak.
Many hugs to you!!
Try not to think of HIM while you are Christmas shopping. Afterall it's for the KIDS - think of the joy on their faces Christmas morning and you get to be there for that. Find another family member to share the cute little things you found for your daughter. I can call my sister about anything, even a cute pair of booties and I'm sure you have someone you can call too.
The holidays have changed and as hard as that is to grasp, we have to do our best to make them good for our children. Our pain is not their pain and I don't want my situation with my stbx to affect their Christmas and I'm sure you don't either because you are a mom first and foremost.
All you can do is your best - you may not think it's enough but it is. No one can ask you to do anymore than that.
Hugs to you hon. I know it's hard - I'll be right there with you as will most everyone else here on DS so at least you know you are not alone. We'll all cry on each others shoulders as we try to get through the holiday's as best we can. Love to you.
We all mourn the loss of the dream. The future we thought we had. But like all dreams if you look at it closely you will see that a lot of it was not, just like a dream, not reality. There are all kinds of things that were not so good in the dream, you just don't remember them or block them. Unless he changes, I had to keep telling myself that, I do not want him back. I had him come back and guess what, it was great for awhile and then, bang, unhappy and I ultimately was the reason.
The holdays are stressful for everyone, no matter what your marital status. Just remember for every Norman Rockwell scene you think you had or see in all these "happy" couples or people out shopping, I have seen plenty of angry,yelling or silent treatment couples on the verge of a meltdown...
I try and stay level about things, not too high not too low... AND think of this, would you want him back if he said, "Ok, I will come back and do Christmas or stay married but guess what, I am going to keep the girlfriend and that is the terms you have to accept... WOULD you want that? Because that is what they are all telling you. He/she got to do whatever they wanted, they get to keep you and the family and walk all over the marriage, and you just accept it and your life is miserable. It is lack of respect for you, your values, your children and family. Mine even once told me, I will stay married but you are going to be miserable. I am always the optimist, and I had to train myself to rememmber the years of emotional abuse. I hope this helps, not being harsh, just a reality check for some of us Pollyanna's of which I seriously am... Hugs!