Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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yorkieluvr 05/24/2011

Well..... had my first session with the therapist yesterday. I actually felt pretty comfortable and it was easier than I thought it would be to "spill my guts"... I was very apprehensive because I'm really a very private person. I guess maybe it's just finally time to get it out. I surprised myself at how much I actually told her - the hour went by really quickly. She seems to be pretty intuitive as well... she didn't ask a lot of questions but seemed to already know how I would answer before I actually did. A couple of things she said gave me a lot to think about.. supportive type things... stuff I think I knew, but she said it in such a way, that now I think I can believe it. But that is their job after all and what they're trained for... and she's probably heard worse. I think she might be a keeper.

Funny thing... the first therapist I had called and left 2 messages for weeks ago finally called me back TODAY. Good thing I wasn't in crisis mode....

So, tomorrow is the consult with the attorney. btw - where are all these people who give "free consultations" I keep reading about? Nobody around here does anything for free. Consults are $150.00 for an hour. But I'm thinking it will be a good investment to get correct legal information. Hopefully she will confirm that what I want is reasonable and doable... Wish me luck!!!

deleted_user 05/24/2011

Good luck, Yorkieluvr, and congratulations on the good therapist match. That's not as easy as it sounds. There are so many personalities and techniques out there. I've have bad ones, good ones, and great ones. My counselor now is the greatest. She has become my cheerleader and my sounding board.

Crisis mode--now there's a laugh. As good and my counselor is, I need to be in crisis between 9 and 4. After that, it's off to the hospital. Been there, done that, and I won't make that mistake again. I hate the psych ward. The two times I was there, I needed to be there, but next time I'm finding a classier crazy house. Too many alcoholics, addicts, bipolars, and violently crazy people. It's no place for a suicidal codependent.

That story would make a good journal entry. Anyway, I'm proud of you. You are taking the steps you need to take to take care of you and that's a good start.

((((HUGS))))
Neo

zouga 05/24/2011

It's great that you have connected with this therapist. As Neo said, that's not so easy, and it's important to find someone you are comfortable talking to.
I'm sorry you didn't find lawyers who give free consults. I was able to find 5 in my area. Three offered a telephone consult only, but it was free. The other 2 were willing to meet face to face.
Another lawyer was recommended by the local bar association. He wasn't free, but it was a low cost, so maybe you can call your local bar association and look into that.
Even though I spoke to 6 lawyers before I hired the lawyer I used for the divorce, I still did lots of research on the Internet, read loads of books about divorce and financial concerns, and, of course, gots lots of excellent advice and support from everyone here on DS.

JaMama 05/25/2011

Good job taking the first steps. Keep moving, one step at a time.

Praying for you.

CowgirlKathi 05/25/2011

I am OVERJOYED that you were immediately comfortable with this therapist! It's also a healthy sign that you were able to tell the whole story. This "spilling of the guts" is what is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY IF you really want to get better. And that's EXACTLY what a therapist is for! Keep it up! The solutions and answers your are seeking are INSIDE OF YOU. A good therapist is merely a guide to help you get to them.

The attorney I used for my divorce DID give a free initial consultation, which I took advantage of. But I felt I needed to talk to her just once more before retaining her services. We met at a local cafe for that one -- she was grabbing a bite to eat between the courthouse and her office. She charged me 1/2 her normal hourly rate for that one, which I gladly paid.

I understand the concern about the cost, but you MUST GET AN ATTORNEY to help you with this. Think of it as an investment in YOUR FUTURE and it won't sting quite so badly. Keep us posted, ok?

lycesq 05/26/2011

Yorkie - great news. Getting a good therapist right away is wonderful. I hope your meeting with your attorney is equally valuable.

Lynne

KRKing911 05/26/2011

Great news about the therapist. You will definitely benefit from it. You will get through this a-ok.

yorkieluvr 05/26/2011

My good luck continues.... the attorney was AWESOME... I got WAY more information from this one than the one I talked to last summer.. had I found her first, all this might be behind me by now. But, hindsight is 20/20 and you can't go backwards... now I actually feel like I'm making some progress!! Now I just have to decide whether or not I tell the stbx that I've retained an attorney or just let him be served. He's going to be pissed either way I think. We had agreed to do this without lawyers, but I've chickened out... I want the professional. Too many things could go wrong way down the road if the papers aren't done right. Gotta look out for myself.....

JaMama 05/26/2011

You are right about needing an attorney. My x tried to convince me to be agreeable and told me "It's not rocket science, you can find everything you need to know on the internet." He never retained an attorney. I don't think it worked in his favor.
My attorney developed a good relationship with him, so much so, that he would feel free to say things to her that allowed her to see the man I had been living with. It was worth every penny. He wanted to leave me with nothing but wanted to look good to my attorney. It was amazing.
Since the divorce he has not signed an addendum he told my attorney and me that he would sign if we expedited the divorce so he could buy the condo he was renting. He has only done the things he must according to the court order. He takes his sweet time.
Now is not the time to trust him to look out for you. You are right to look out for yourself now.
((Hugs))

lycesq 05/26/2011

Absolutely have an attorney. It sounds like you have someone who is good to work with so use it to your advantage. Attorneys fees are always an issue in family law cases and you may be able to force your husband to pay at least part of the cost.

Lynne (the litigator)

deleted_user 05/27/2011

Oh, so glad you liked you like your therapist! It shows that the first one isn't always the right one for you. That one took a VERY long time to get back to you. I'm crossing my fingers and wishing you the best as you continue to unravel your dilemmas and challenges. Bug hugs... :)

CowgirlKathi 05/28/2011

yorkie, DO NOT give your stbx a heads up on this. You have an attorney. Let him be served and then vow to stay NO CONTACT when he calls -- and chances are, he will call! If you cannot avoid his communication, then simply let him know "Have your attorney talk to my attorney. I have absolutely NOTHING to say to you directly." Period. The end.

My X wanted to "handle this ourselves" too (he's as tight as two coats of paint) and I KNEW if I did that (based on his initial chicken-scratch settlement offer) that he was trying to rob me blind! Poo-pooed that and got an attorney myself. Then HE got served - and I told her "Have him served on April 30 -- it would be our 24th wedding anniversary and I wished to make a very BOLD STATEMENT about it!

I thank God everyday for sending me the strength and tenacity it took to see me through the entire 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating coward! When people ask me now how I "made out in the divorce" I tell them: "I made out like a bandit because I was smart and tough." SO BE SMART AND TOUGH! Trust me, if he tries to "negotiate" with you without your attorney, he is trying to CHEAT YOU OUT OF SOMETHING THAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!

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