Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

I Should Of Listened

lostwh
lostwh
I haven't been on here in a while. I've been going through some things that if I'd had listen to the advice of people on here I wouldn't have had to go through.I guess I had to see for myself. Most of you know my Ex wife was wanting to meet with me and see if we could get back together. I know it was stupid but I agreed to meet her, she told me she knew she messed up and wanted to know if the OM was out of the picture could we try and work things out. I knew from the start it just didn't feel right but she had already talked to the kids before she asked me and my youngest son was so happy about it, and I didn't want to dissapoint him so I said we could try. I'll admit at first I was hoping things would work out and we could be a family again, but in my heart I knew things would never be the same. I caught her lying about the OM 4 times in just 5 days. She told me she had kicked him out and he would never be back so I drove by her apartment one night and his car was there. I asked her about it and she said he had been at the bar and just stopped by and wouldn't come by anymore. And another day he came by to take a shower to go to a funeral. I found myself always wondering if he was at her place or was she somewhere with him. Finally, I told her to just forget it there was no way we could ever get back together without me being able to trust her. I told her I was doing fine with out her and she was the one that wanted back, but I couldn't live like that anymore and I didn't want her to contact me again. I know you all told me this would happen, I guess I just had to see for myself. I have to say I do feel better knowing for sure that it could never work and seeing that I really had no feelings for her. Truthfully I was sickened by the thought of having anything to do with her after all the lies and cheating. I know now that I never want to go back to that and I can look myself in the mirror and say that I deserve better.I know I shouldn't have given her another chance but somehow I feel like this actually gave me some closure.
Lori63
Lori63
To me, you tried and there is no shame in that.
Onward and upward!
KRKing911
KRKing911
Sometimes, you just have to see for yourself is all. Good luck to you my friend. I hope this didn't set you back too much.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Well, even though we advised you, you had to see it for yourself. No one can blame you for that. Everyone has to deal with this situation in his/her own way.

Sending hugs! Hope you can move forward now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your wife asked for another chance, you gave it to her and she choose to blow it.
She showed you who see is now and who she wants to be in the future.

You did the right thing in giving her the chance to save family and marriage.
Misred
Misred
Good news is she didn't move back in with you. No harm in giving a second chance. Now you know where you stand. Sounds like she was going to try and play you both. She prob never broke up with him.
trisha9054
trisha9054
If you had not tried with her again you would always wonder "what if". The best lessons are learned from your own experience. I would never fault anyone for trying to get their marriage back. Sorry it didn't work for you.
proudnana5
proudnana5
Sorry it didnt work out but hopefully you can now move forward
lostwh
lostwh
I don't really know how to explain it but after talking to my ex the first time she came over and agreeing to try and work things out, I had a feeling of sadness that my freedom from her crazziness might be coming to an end. I hated the thought of trying to make her happy and all the jumping through hoops to please her. I couldn't stand the thought of her mind games and after finally getting some of my self esteem back and having her tear it back down too. I knew I would wonder where she was every time she went somewhere, was she seeing the OM again or maybe someone else. I remember driving to her apartment to see if the OM was there and thinking is this the kind of life you want, not being able to trust the person your with. I actually hoped I would see his car there so I could get out of the agreement. I still mourn for the dreams and the feeling of all the family being together, but I'm just not willing to live like that again. I hope to someday be able to trust and love someone again, I really hope she hasn't taken that away from me.
KRKing911
KRKing911
Nobody can take anything away from you only you can do that. You sound like the kind of guy who will trust again - you'll be alright - you'll see.
dairytech
dairytech
I am very proud of you lost...you've learned lessons that took me a 2nd divorce with my ex to learn. No...without a lot of counselling and true personal effort...you cant undo whats been done. When our life partners cheat..that innocent trust is lost forever.

Even though it took me 2 divorces to learn what you have learned...I know in my heart I gave it my best...I left no stone unturned in trying to save my marriage. I do not have that...what if...thing going on anymore. I mourned the loss of my marriage but I had no regrets. I applaud you for your efforts...you are a good person and its her loss...Big Hugs...Kathy
Time4Kim
Time4Kim
Well, now you know for sure and you can put any nagging doubts you have have had to rest. You gave it a shot. That's admirable. Now, you can move on knowing that it's what is best for you.

I wish you all the best,
Kim
kamary
kamary
It's not uncommon for the one who leaves to have a change of heart at some point, and try to reconnect. I'm glad you agreed for two reasons. It showed you exactly how you feel about her now, and it showed you how you feel about yourself now. Good on you for giving it a try, and good on you for not getting drawn back into the game.

Some lucky lady is out there waiting for you, my friend.

love and hugs
kamary
spiritsprout
spiritsprout
At least you tried, and for the sake of your family, I totally understand and empathize with that. I read somewhere that when trust is broken in a marriage, it's like breaking a fragile, beautiful china tea cup. We can glue the broken pieces back together again, but the tea cup has nevertheless been damaged. And with a spouse like yours (my stbx as well), they continue to break that beautiful china over and over again. After too many times of being shattered, it simply cannot be mended.

Bottom line, you deserve better. It's time to get a new set of china. You sound like a wonderful man. Full of love and concern for your children and grandbaby. You deserve someone who will appreciate your good attributes. Not someone who stomps on them and is ungrateful. You deserve better. Hang in there.
lostwh
lostwh
Thank you everybody for your kind words and support. If it wasn't for this group I would have probably fallen back to the same life and hell that I lived in before. Like alot of you have said, I hate being alone but I too realize that I was more alone when I was with the ex.
tobywinn
tobywinn
You are learning not to rely on the words of your ex's promises. You've are now astute to her actions. It's why they say "actions speak louder than words". You now have your proof.