Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
The last 3 years of our marriages was toxic, even the guardian ad litem said my ex was toxic. I am happier now that she is out of my life completely, she was verbally and physically abusive to me and verbally abusive to the kids. She has a lot of mental problems that she refuses to get help with (verified by 3 marriage counselors). My oldest daughter went from cutting and being suicidal under her mom's care to being in the college of her dreams off all of her psych meds and she hasn't cut anymore since moving in with me a year and a half ago. She also graduated high school with me when she couldn't under her mom's care.
People ask me "how can you not speak at all to your ex wife," for me it's simple, I have no use for the hatred and toxicity in my life. I told my ex day 1, if you can be cordial I will do the same, she couldn't even make it two days. I am back to being me now and my daughter is doing better now than she ever has, my second daughter is in college now and she is starting to realize what life is like now that she is out of the box that her mother put us all in. She is actually coming to see me and my other daughter later this week while she is on spring break.
Basically what I am getting to is that the courts need to start putting the kids best interests first instead of the mother's. Even though I have a criminal domestic violence charge on her, I had 3 adolescent therapists say that the kids were better off with me than her mother, the courts put my kids back with her and kicked me out of the house. I told the court that if they put my kids back with their mother my oldest daughter will go back to the psych hospital within 3 months, it only took two.
I am just grateful that my oldest two daughters have now escaped the house of horrors and all three of us are doing the best we ever have now that the toxicity is gone, I just pray every day for my other two kids that are still there that the courts refuse to hear their voice.
People ask me "how can you not speak at all to your ex wife," for me it's simple, I have no use for the hatred and toxicity in my life. I told my ex day 1, if you can be cordial I will do the same, she couldn't even make it two days. I am back to being me now and my daughter is doing better now than she ever has, my second daughter is in college now and she is starting to realize what life is like now that she is out of the box that her mother put us all in. She is actually coming to see me and my other daughter later this week while she is on spring break.
Basically what I am getting to is that the courts need to start putting the kids best interests first instead of the mother's. Even though I have a criminal domestic violence charge on her, I had 3 adolescent therapists say that the kids were better off with me than her mother, the courts put my kids back with her and kicked me out of the house. I told the court that if they put my kids back with their mother my oldest daughter will go back to the psych hospital within 3 months, it only took two.
I am just grateful that my oldest two daughters have now escaped the house of horrors and all three of us are doing the best we ever have now that the toxicity is gone, I just pray every day for my other two kids that are still there that the courts refuse to hear their voice.
I hope as they get older you get them too.
the courts are hung up on "mothers" when it comes to divorce & custody
when mama bird destroys the nest & fledglings she is no longer a mother
my kids speak with the mother about altering custody, she won't, she knows that they do not want to go on record with the courts about wanting to be with her less,
in effect "mama" is using the kids love for her (not wanting to go on record ---- they are protecting her)
to keep them boxed in
Refurb, I have seen your movie, my oldest daughter finally had to stand up to her mother and told her she was going to move in with me and her mother's response was after she laughed my daughter, "over my dead body."
I talk to our son daily also. He has nothing to do with her, he's 28 so his choice. The "kids" spend all holidays with me. Mama is living her dream life in some apartment on a very busy street with her cheater partner and I haven't had any contact with her months...5 or 6 maybe more I lost count. She could spontaneous combust and I would shrug. Don't care anymore and it feels awesome
Relationships are hard to deal with. I
Am thankful lately never to have had
children with my ex.
The divorce would Have been years
earlier. He did not believe in meeting
Me in the middle on things.
(((( hugs to you and your children))))
He has access to them on weekends and one night a week.
He has NEVER taken them on his weeknight.
He stopped taking them on his weekend sometime last fall.
Fast forward to last month when he accuses me of parental alienation.
Now I have a lawyer and am having to fight again with him. My lawyer says kids can speak for themselves, they have been home on his Friday nights, he has not exercised his access.
His statement of claim states that I stop the kids from calling him. My 15 year old is willing to tell Judge that I have never stopped them, that they choose not to call him. They also have cell phones, and can show he has never called them
This is a stupid stupid useless court date for us. It will cost both of us money and for what
Our courts says kids 13, 15 can choose for themselves, they don't want to go to his house every other weekend.
But still we have to go to court (again) to have him told this.
love and hugs
kamary
Although I believe kids should have access to both parents if at all possible, as long as it's safe, I'll never understand how the courts and government agencies can be so blind to which parent is the best for the kids. It's almost impossible to get kids to pick a side to strangers, but I can't believe they won't listen to doctors, teachers, counselors, etc.
I know mothers, like your ex, movingon, that cause nothing but harm and pain to their children, I know fathers that neglect or beat their kids, but they still get to be the custodial parents. They lied to the court, put on a good show, earn (or steal) more money than the other parent, and got the kids against all common sense.
All we can do is continue to let our children know we love them, will be there for them no matter what, and we believe in them. They're not idiots and children are incredibly resilient if they know they're loved. They will know who was there all along, and hopefully, will come through the other side with us, stronger, wiser, better able to show love to their kids some day, and able to love us back. That's all we can ask.
As far as co-parenting is concerned, I let the kids decide what they want to do - but I am not in the position that you are in - my girls are older no little ones to worry about but even if I did have young children, he wouldn't have petitioned for custody. He's too involved in his new free swinger lifestyle to be tied down with kids LOL.
He gets a visit from them once a year and that's how it works.
You sound like you are doing excellent. I'm so glad that you have finally found some peace. :)