Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I was having a very pleasant afternoon yesterday sitting by my pool with my neighbor who is also a good friend. Stbx and my boys went fishing yesterday for father's day and his brother and my nephew also went. Instead of getting the boat (which is at my house) the day before and taking it to his house, they loaded it up at 5:00 am and woke me up. I didn't get too riled about it because I new it was important to the boys.
Then they get back to the house around 3:00 pm and stbx is acting like everything is just peachy. I went in the house because I could feel myself getting upset and I wanted to do something to keep busy. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the day for my boys because I could see how much they were enjoying the outing. I went out in the garage and piddled with some laundry when my stbx brother-in-law walk in front of the garage and don't even acknowledge my existence. I spent hours and hours talking my BIL off the ledge when he went thru his nasty divorce and now this? Next thing I know stbx, BIL and nephew are gone without a word. I felt so disrespected. Well the floodgates just opened up and there was my oldest just hugging me and trying to comfort me. I was so upset with myself for getting him upset but I just felt like I couldn't eat any more shit! I left BIL a voicemail (of course he wouldn't answer my call) and told him to please not come to MY house again because when people come to MY house they acknowledge MY existence.
It was a major meltdown yesterday and I'm still feeling the emotional and physical effects of it today. Like I've been hit by the proverbial mack truck. 22 years of marriage, too many get togethers to count, every holiday, nieces, nephews, grandbabies, and not one person from his family has reached out to me. Not feeling very proud of my last name.
Then they get back to the house around 3:00 pm and stbx is acting like everything is just peachy. I went in the house because I could feel myself getting upset and I wanted to do something to keep busy. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the day for my boys because I could see how much they were enjoying the outing. I went out in the garage and piddled with some laundry when my stbx brother-in-law walk in front of the garage and don't even acknowledge my existence. I spent hours and hours talking my BIL off the ledge when he went thru his nasty divorce and now this? Next thing I know stbx, BIL and nephew are gone without a word. I felt so disrespected. Well the floodgates just opened up and there was my oldest just hugging me and trying to comfort me. I was so upset with myself for getting him upset but I just felt like I couldn't eat any more shit! I left BIL a voicemail (of course he wouldn't answer my call) and told him to please not come to MY house again because when people come to MY house they acknowledge MY existence.
It was a major meltdown yesterday and I'm still feeling the emotional and physical effects of it today. Like I've been hit by the proverbial mack truck. 22 years of marriage, too many get togethers to count, every holiday, nieces, nephews, grandbabies, and not one person from his family has reached out to me. Not feeling very proud of my last name.
We are all here for you.
It took some time for me to put this in its place. It was extremely painful. I lost a whole family. I had adopted them as my own. To be treated this way was and is...totally unacceptable. They no longer have a place in my world...it is written in stone.
You have to work through the emotions and find a place of peace with it all. Things are still very fresh with you. You may find that they feel awkward and are uncertain how to respond to you. You may also find..down the road...they will open there arms to you again. Divorce hurts more people that the ones directly involved. Perhaps give it more time so everyone can get there heads around the situation. Its been 3 years for me...there is no going back...but...for you its still early. Big Hugs...Kathy
Divorce just keeps dishing up more crap - it's just course after course after course. But eventually, dessert is served. And yours will be the SWEETEST you've ever tasted!
YOU are the rock of the family. You are what is holding your family together. YOU are the one who is there day in and day out...not just on a 'special occasion'. Your kids know it. YOU know it. Who gives a rats ass if he knows or acknowledges it.
Hugs!
(((Hugs)))
Attending my children's events that call for both sides of the family to attend (graduations, etc.) was really hard for me these past few months. When my inlaws ignored me I also went home and cried it out and then I called a few good friends to vent. I will be experiencing many occasions like this since we have 5 kids ranging 16-22 years, so I have decided to just grin and bear it. I think the more you do of anything, you get better and better at handling it. When you know, then you will know better next time. Stay strong! : )
I have had my kids hugging me as I have cried!
I applaud you for calling your BIL and sticking up for yourself.
My oldest had her graduation recently and my ex brought his mother to attend. They walked towards the area where I sat with our other 2 kids, my parents and my boyfriend. He turned around so quick it was funny. He sat on the other side of the arena. Afterwards, I made sure our daughter found her dad and grandma. I stood off to the side while they took pictures and talked. Then My ex mother in law turned to me and I graciously said Hello and hugged her. I chose to be the bigger person, even though I feel she was part of the coverup for his affair. Oh well, he's someone elses mess to deal with.
Stay strong:)
I refuse to let them be taken in by such hipocracy. Fortunately they are nothing like their father. If anything, seeing what a creep he is may make them better people in the long run. Don't get me wrong, He is still their father and they love him, but they don't respect him. Everyone says that the problem is between you and your X and that you should keep them out of it. I do not agree. Wrong is wrong no matter who does it. Your BIL was wrong. I don't know your story yet, but your X was probably wrong too.
You matter. Your kids matter. The rest of them can take a flying leap. Keeping away from all of them will make your transition easier. (((((hugs)))) Things will get better.
Hugs to you!
Be polite and kind yourself, and they'll come around.
love and hugs
kamary
I, too, was shunned by the X's entire dysfunctional family -- with the exception of one niece and her husband who remained as steadfast supporters throughout the entire 18 Months of Hell and beyond. Now -- all these years later, it's pretty clear to me that the whole in-law fallout thing was just another blessing in disguise. I never cared to hang out with them much, anyway. Their relationships with each other were so superficial and they could never discuss anything more personal than the weather! It is a RELIEF not having to attend those BORING family reunions anymore, much less having to break bread with them every major holiday. You'll get there! People of like mind and spirit will avail themselves to you in the coming months and THEN you will be able to put those "through marriage" relationships into perspective.
Hugs to you this morning.
I will say kudos to you for sending that message to your BIL. Next time he shows up and does that, ASK HIM TO LEAVE. You should not be disrespected in your own home.
Sending hugs. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings.