my dear mbstone:
IF you are this far out from separation and divorce and still having these feelings, I can only URGE YOU to get yourself into individual therapy. Four years is a very long time and I am afraid that if you don't do some of this "inner work" now, you will remain stuck in the "poor me" mode forever!

Yes, I also went through a period during my 18 Months of Hell where I still INSISTED that I loved my H and that he was a good man, but that soon turned into my SHOT OF REALITY with the help of my attorney, my therapist and a few long-time friends who remained close during this excruciating time.

If you are like most of us here, you WILL reach the point where you will be able to see that your X really was NEVER the man you thought he was. We all had a tendency to create and live in our own illusions...and the longer we remained in our marriages, the easier it became to continue to pretend even though we were aware of "rats running in the walls at night."

And back to that point about LOSSES -- if you sit down and really think, I would be willing to bet a month's alimony that your BLESSINGS far outweigh any perceived losses! Try it! Write them down on paper -- make two columns: one marked MY BLESSINGS and the other MY PERCEIVED LOSSES.

You deserve so much better, my friend. It takes time to get to this point and that's what a good therapist can help you with. Please, please, please find a qualified professional to work with you.

Sending hugs, thoughts and prayers your way.

oh honey....sending hugs your way!!! The sexual bond is very strong and being that you only ever had him it is hard to "end" that. God intended sex to create that "bond" and now it is a hard to let that go. You may find some understanding from the book the Invisible Bond. It may be time to get some counseling to help you get through this stage. Sending big hugs and prayers of healing your way!

Everyone in a long term marriage loses when you divorce. Life is not fair!Caring about your ex is habit, and that is ok if that is what you want, but it doesn't sound like it is ok with you any longer. You said you don't want to date, and then make the reference that he is the only man you have ever been with. I am sure you are not alone with this, and should not let that be the reason you don't want to meet other people. You don't have to date, in fact your should not, because you have to find happiness in yourself and your life before you date. Finding someone else is not the answer, but plenty of people will tell you that is so!

The important thing for you is to find a new life, or at least a different one. You have to quit thinking of what was.. and more of what there could be! Work on a list of things you want to do. If you are suffering from situational depression, and believe us here, that is not uncommon, you need to figure out what to do to fix that. Therapy, meds or both. AND think of this way, he wins if he is ruining your life post divorced and you are not with him! Don't let your old life rob you of what could be a new happy and great life! Easy to say, of course, but I can say that.. because I have that now. It takes effort.

I used to post a list of " What I don't miss" on this board now and then. Like I do not miss gauging his mood when he walked through the door. Or I don't miss sitting alone cause he went to bed at 8 pm! Try that...everyone is different, but 4 years, is just that, 4 years of your life. BIG HUG

Im really sorry you are feeling so down right now but as others have said already a good therapist can go a long way to helping you heal..
At only 46 you have so much life left to live , please dont settle for be lonely at such a young age, get help, feel better and get out.
Ive "lost" a lot in this divorce but ive come to look at it as not a loss of things and lifestyle i was accustomed to but rather simplifying my life and it feels so good !

((((Hugs))))

Sweetie, you have lost nothing that cannot be replaced. I, too, felt that way but now, boy I feel like I am walking on air. Happy and carefree. You have to think about number one, you. Just take it easy. You have everything that really matters, respect, trust and love of family and friends. He has nothing. How can anyone really trust him after what he did. And with a relative too. Come on sweetie, you are young and with so much to live for.

I was the one who left and I count my blessings every day for my new life. You have a different freedom now and the ability to make your own choices.

I went to a therapist and still see her for a tune-up. She was a wonderful help in getting me through the grieving process - the pain, denial, anger, and all the rest of it. Please think about therapist - it can be such a help!

Lynne