Sorry for you having to be here but there is much support here as well. Your story sounds very familiar.....I stayed for 15 years + dealing with the same issues you just described. My daughter had been telling me to divorce for the last ten years and that she would leave with me....well after 31 years together she got mad one day because I was starting to take a little control of my life, and filed for divorce just to make me give up the idea that I was capable of handling this for myself... it backfired...I looked at this as a chance to escape... and that is how it felt..... Yes things are tough finiancially but hey it is worth every extra hours I have to work,so that I can maintain my sanity....they are others that have simaliar stories different in a way but the grieving process is the same..... we are all in the same boat just on different seas....AJJ

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I can truly relate and empathize.

I left my subtly abusive narcissistic alcoholic husband after 36 years and we divorced 3 yrs later. He always threatened me with the D word yet never acted on it. No one ever knew what our marriage was like. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. he was Mr. Good Guy, Prince Charming, Knight in Shining Armour in public. He was dr. jeckyl & mr hyde in private.

We tried counseling and when I asked him to stop drinking just while we were seeing a therapist, he refused. He chose the bottle over our marriage and I said enough! It was very scary leaving, but then just to add insult to injury, my now ex had everyone at his work looking for a place for me to rent! That's how I found where I live now. Of course by my leaving, it enables him to look like the victim and me the bad guy.

Honestly, it's not easy and it's not how I envisioned I would live out my old age, but it's sure better than walking on eggshells and having him jump down my throat for no reason other than he misunderstood me & wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him that's not what I said. It sure beats the cold shoulder and the disrespect of me as a person.

There are many of us who left and what people don't understand is that even if our stbx/ex's didn't physically leave us, they left us emotionally and that's sometimes even worse.

Hugs!!!

Welcome. It makes me sad when I see a new member because I know what that person is going to go through.

Come here daily and meet new friends. I have to get off in a minute because I'm going to meet someone from this site for lunch.

I was so sad when my stbx walked out on me. I'm still sad for the loss of family but my house is so peaceful.

Hugs to you.

SeaNmph, I have the female verision of your H except non alcoholic, when people fond out the we were divorcing they were dumbfounded, everyone thought that we were the perfect couple also. In fact one server at our favorite eatery told me later that she had hopes of her marriage being just as ours seemed.....boy was she wrong in wishing that.....LOL

AJJ

Starinanew I can relate to your situation since I was the one that initiated the divorced. I was with my ex for 21 years and married 19, we have three beautiful children together and I took many many years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Landed in the hospital twice but was too embarrass to tell family and friends the reasons why. He play around on me twice but each time blaming me for his wandering eyes. Thought he was unhappy in the marriage, he would not even considering divorced and if I even mentioned it he would threatening to kill himself or me. My children all have seen what I'm going and encouraging me to leave but I stuck through it all and went through marriage and individual counseling because I didn't want to give up my marriage. In individual counseling I was encouraged by the therapist to leave because she said he won't change, and it was so true because he can go through the change mode for about three weeks and then back to his old self. In the end I can't stay because my health was going down hill and he was increasing unhappy with the kids and I always finding reasons to be angry at us. A year ago I sat all the children down and told them that I can't stay in the marriage, their father and I have grown in different direction. They told me they have seen much and what is taking me so long to leave. It is almost a year since the divorced but the kids and I are surviving and much happier. He is happy with his new life, only wish that he would leave me alone and stop harrassing me, but since we have three children so much for the wish. Hugs to you.

I feel so bad for you - you are living my life. What I thought I married was a strong, passionate, assertive, go get it kind of guy, when in fact these traits were of a belligerent, demanding, aggressive, narsisistic person. I lived it for 37 years. I finally left this Spring after suffering a TIA. It's time for you to leave. While you're able to.

The struggle you will endure leaving will bring great rewards for you. I left my home and absolutely everything in it. Got an apartment and an attorney on a dime. I can tell you that although "stress" I may have - it is NOTHING to the stress that I left. Every night and every morning I look forward to a new day. That hasn't been the case for many years now.

It sounds as though, you too, have always thought of your family as a whole. And stayed trying to keep it together. I think that's what I did. I thought how many lives would be affected if I started a war with this man. In January, of this year, my husband - in a rage, threatened to kill me - for what I thought would the LAST TIME! I got in my car and drove to the police station to file what ever I could, that would make this man stop his abusive behavior towards me. As I sat in the car - scared - worried - exhausted with stress - MY grandchildren came into mind. IF I did this - WHAT would this do to my grandchildren. This is their "GoomPa"? Would they go to school or tell their friends that their grandmother threw their goompa in jail?!! I went home. I KNOW that you are doing the same thing.

My abuse was a "private" abuse. Or at least as private as I could make it. My children knew this man and his behavior, but even that I tried to make the best of . "Oh, he's just tired" "He just had too much to drink" "He didn't mean it" - "He upset me, but I'll get over it" - Of course, our friends too - NEVER knew what went on behind our doors. To them - even now - he's a wonderful guy. I do think they know inside what he's capable of though.

Do you think your children respect you for staying with him - because of them or not? They don't. Your teaching them that it is acceptable in ANY relationship to to hang on to anything (even hate) - until they die. Don't do it anymore - please. Although, you'll have many struggles along the way YOU WILL have the respect and dignity that you deserve to continue a better life for yourself and your children. It may not seem like it at first - they will struggle too - but in the long run, your rewards will be great.

Please come here often. The support and love the people in this group have for each other is overwhelming. They've all been hurt and regardless of the differences in each situation - we're all in pain - just like you. Good luck to you on what I hope will be your new path to happiness. LOL

Thank you everybody for sharing your stories and for the wonderful words of support...I am so glad I found this place! My children support me in my decision but the rest of my family doesn't. They think I have the perfect H so they can't understand why I want to leave. Of course that has a lot to do with me because for years I put on that happy face even though I was dying on the inside. I didn't want anybody to know how I was really living. I live about 4 hours away from my mom and sisters so it was easy to put on that happy face the few times a year that I did see them. Nobody in my family has ever been divorced so I will be the first and they aren't taking well to it! I know its my life and I have to do what makes me happy..I have lived my life for other for too long.

Thanks again for your replies....

Wow, sweetie...your situation was similar to mine, but he was the one that left the last time, and I eventually left the home after that. I am now living with my Adult daughters in a house we rent together. It is much better, meaning don't have to deal with him on a daily basis, but financially we are struggling...but, I think I would take the financial situation over staying in a Abusive Situation. You really need to find a place of your own. I wish we were closer, I would definitely room with you!! Our kids are around the same age....I have 2 girls...21, 20...and a 18 1/2 year old son. We never hear from their Dad at all. But, they don't seem to care, so we are just taking it one day at a time. Continue to look for you a place, and I promise you will feel so much better!!! Just knowing that you are coming home to a place that is all yours, without all the stress and abuse you deal with on a daily basis....hang in there sweetie...don't let him take your spirit away, like mine did....I am still trying to find it again...Take care..
KT

Gosh, things sound so familiar. For me, it's a marriage of 38 years...Found out in Feb. that he's been seeing another woman for over 2 years. He lied at first even though I found them together at 4:30 am at his warehouse. He said it is over and doesn't want a divorce. He tried the suicide threats on me, and had everyone feeling sorry for HIM. He admitted to another affair many years ago. My eyes have been opened though, and I know that he has had other affairs throughout our married life. He's also thrown and broken some of my most special things. Often, he'd pick fights over trivial things, and I couldn't understand why. I've always catered to his wants to keep the peace. He always told me how lucky I was that he didn't go out drinking and stayed home with me. We have seperate bedrooms and live in a sexless marriage without any trust on my part. When I mention seperation agreement, he gets upset. My life is on hold and I'm miserable. Part of me still loves him, but it might be for the person I thought he was. Thanks for listening. I'm in limbo right now and hearing that others were experiencing similar things in their life, prompted me to respond. My prayers will go out for you all tonight. God bless. :)

Normally I believe a divorce or separation should be the last resort, I think sometimes people give up on marriages too easily but in Your case I really dont think you should stay at all...the second a man spits on you,throws things at you, or threatens you,,its over. No woman should ever have to worry about her safety in her own home...ever...Personally I think spitting on another human being is one of the most degrading things a person can do to another person and for that reason alone I would have left. You deserve better than that and you should be treated with respect.

florac - My heart is with you. Don't try to handle this alone. Most here are at the point of no return in their relationships or past, but certainly know were you are and could be very helpful to you. Advocates of divorce is not what this group is about. It's about living an emotionally stable life. Being able to vent. Getting through the hurt and pain that can sometimes be caused in a relationship. You belong here too. Join us. LOL