Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
The attorney I saw 3 weeks ago agreed to represent me without a retainer. She's going to try and enter it as part of the settlement. I am so relieved.
Today was a shitty day. I am trying to so hard to be civil throughout this and he sends me an email to give to our kids trying to justify what he's done and why. Oh, how unhappy he was with our marriage for 10 years, blah, blah, blah.
I am so sick of him trying to justify what he's done. So I wrote him back that I don't want anymore emails like this one. He cannot ever justify what he's done because deep down in his heart he knows what he's done and so do I. I told him he was a lousy husband and that he got back from me what he gave. I also told him that he quit on our marriage 10 years ago - that he's a quitter - and I never quit trying. I also told him that he hasn't cared about me for the last 10 years and that's exactly how he treated me - like I was a nobody to him. What did he expect from a wife that feels unloved.
We've talked a few times today and it got heated. He even hung up on me twice - jerk. I told him that after 23 years together the least he could've done was call me and tell me he was filing for divorce. That he should have had enough respect for me to give me fair warning. That shut him up in a hurry. He didn't have a response to that. He's also mad at me because I told the kids he filed while I was still upset, which of course upset them. I told him he should have had the balls to call and tell them himself - that I should'nt have had to. My daughter sent him a very nasty message and he wasn't happy about that. She is so hurt and angry at him - he made a promise to her a few years ago that he would never divorce me and now he's breaking that promise and she told him he's F#%#ed everything up. My mild-mannered daughter used the F word. So unlike her.
I am ok today - yesterday was a shock but I've bounced back and now I'm ready to just get it over with. It can't be soon enough for me. I'm not so delusional to think I won't have bad days, but now I'm just pissed. The anger will carry me through for the rest of it.
Time to play hardball. I've had enough. Let the games begin. I'm ready.
Today was a shitty day. I am trying to so hard to be civil throughout this and he sends me an email to give to our kids trying to justify what he's done and why. Oh, how unhappy he was with our marriage for 10 years, blah, blah, blah.
I am so sick of him trying to justify what he's done. So I wrote him back that I don't want anymore emails like this one. He cannot ever justify what he's done because deep down in his heart he knows what he's done and so do I. I told him he was a lousy husband and that he got back from me what he gave. I also told him that he quit on our marriage 10 years ago - that he's a quitter - and I never quit trying. I also told him that he hasn't cared about me for the last 10 years and that's exactly how he treated me - like I was a nobody to him. What did he expect from a wife that feels unloved.
We've talked a few times today and it got heated. He even hung up on me twice - jerk. I told him that after 23 years together the least he could've done was call me and tell me he was filing for divorce. That he should have had enough respect for me to give me fair warning. That shut him up in a hurry. He didn't have a response to that. He's also mad at me because I told the kids he filed while I was still upset, which of course upset them. I told him he should have had the balls to call and tell them himself - that I should'nt have had to. My daughter sent him a very nasty message and he wasn't happy about that. She is so hurt and angry at him - he made a promise to her a few years ago that he would never divorce me and now he's breaking that promise and she told him he's F#%#ed everything up. My mild-mannered daughter used the F word. So unlike her.
I am ok today - yesterday was a shock but I've bounced back and now I'm ready to just get it over with. It can't be soon enough for me. I'm not so delusional to think I won't have bad days, but now I'm just pissed. The anger will carry me through for the rest of it.
Time to play hardball. I've had enough. Let the games begin. I'm ready.
Rule #2. Email him that all further contact will have to be thru lawyers. He will have a heart attack. Don't really do that as it would cost a fortune but at the very least email only. When he calls, don't answer and don't respond if it isn't an emergency. Don't talk to him about the kids. No information unless it is urgent. My stbx knows if I call him it's very important. I didn't even call him when my daughter had a car accident.
Hardball time is here. Hugs to you.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! You're going to make it after all!!!! I am so proud of you.
I was worried my husband would do the same. I believe our husbands may be sharing the same cold heart and the same twisted memory and the same lies.
I swear there must be a gene defect that causes this! How about 700 Billion dollar study on why 40 y.o. men are assholes!
no Contact and when you do stay classy, show him class, grace, and that you are strong and a force to be reckoned with.....AJJ
I'm sorry that you're facing this, but I'm glad you've found your inner strength. You will definitely need it for the road ahead. Hugs to you, Chrissy. Stay strong.
I'm so.o.o glad that you found an attorney to help you. Ask NOW - not later, for emergency support. He has a family and he needs to take care of them first and foremost. Don't wait around thinking that he's going to be fair with you - he's not. Do what you need to do now. It's not going to be easy. You're going to feel like an old shoe begging for money a lot of the time. I hate that. And when he responds with the "things are tight" and "I can't do anymore" - REMEMBER who did this. He should of thought about that before he left. You don't buy a car if you can't afford the payments. Don't let that "begging" feeling turn into your self worth diminishing. Legally - you're partners. Equal partners. You have to consider your children as major shareholders, if you will be their guardian. In your case equal isn't enough - you'll need more. DON'T feel bad about it. Kind hearts do not like feeling as though they are hurting anyone and if they feel they are, it comes back to haunt them. That's what we're here for! Think of only you and your children - I assure you - that's not what he was thinking when he walked out the door.
My heart and prayers go with you everyday of your journey. Big Big Hugs to you my friend.
Sending an email to him, that unless you can be civil, I suggest you contact me by email still leaves the door open for discussion, and at this point that is a good solution. I did that for a long time.
It is very hard to let go of the conditioning that we all have from being ing in a relationship for so long. They know what buttons to push and so do we for them. One of the most empowering statements I said to my ex, and it was just off the top of my head, was at the courthouse first hearing in the hall outside the court, I said, " Here is the part you do not get, you are not in charge of me anymore, my lawyer is, so quit telling me how it is going to be, and quit telling me that if I do not do what you want, this is your consequence. We used to be partners, and we are not anymore.The minute this divorce was filed that is done." He was so angry I hired an attorney and we were not doing this pro se anymore. He had asked for the taxes, and I brought them. He said in a very angry voice to me, I TOLD YOU I only wanted last years and YOU brought 3 years! I said well, David told me to give you all three, and I did.
I am not one to be controlled, but in long term relationship that is a mutual thing. I was so afraid of divorce for so long that once I realized it was going to happen, I realized it empowered me. I no longer had to do everything with a goal in mind to try and hang in there and walk gingerly around him in an effort to try and keep this together and hope he would not go through with this. I walked out of unproductive mediation with him and realized he had no respect for me anymore, and called my attorney and said we are on. I switched my focus from trying to save the marriage and avoiding divorce and went after him with a strategy to save myself and come out of this with assets and my life.
You can do this. We all can. Even now I tell myself when I get blue or wonder if he is ok or what he doing ( I have no reason for contact) I remind myself that I should not let him make me feel bad from 30 miles away in his shitty apartment...he no longer has that power!
You did well. My thoughts are with ya!