Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I have posted in this before, how my STBX and I talk too much and I know I need to go contact. I was so resolved to do it after my daughters graduation and party which we hosted together. I told him and prepared us for it. Tears all around, even though he has a new girlfriend (not the one he heated on me with). Each day since has been a huge struggle and I've not succeeded even once. He has reached out to me a couple times and then I left on vacation with sister and friend. It's paradise here, but I feel sick at heart the entire time because this is not relaxing at all. I HATE having to take a trip like this. I want my comfortable loving family with me, not this type of trip. I want the ease and predictability and joy we used to have. I have absolutely panicked since this GF came into the picture and I have made an ass out of myself begging him to leave her. I had so much more dignity the frost 12 months of this separation. I need to pull it together. Jealousy sucks!!! So, I want to push away this sick anxiety in my stomach and make it through the first 24 hours without him, and then the next 12, etc.... The worst part is knowing he is having a wonderful time without me and probably doesn't care anymore. Even though he says he will always love me, I can see he doesn't. And WHY should I care. This is one gigantic vent to try to calm my sick stomach and not ruin the trip for my sister and friend. :(. I want to cry really hard.
I have a little prayer that I say lots of times for a lot of different reasons and maybe it will work for you.
"Heavenly Father, please give me what I need right now. Amen."
I usually start to feel better within about 15 minutes. And just about every night when I go to bed, I ask my Heavenly Father to keep His loving arms around me and keep me on the path he wishes me to take. That's one thing that guarantees me a good night's sleep. I hope it works for you.
xoxox
Now I have one day under my belt. I can mark the red X. Thank goodness for my kind friend who took me out on his boat with my vacation partners. That got me through three hours of no thinking about the fantasy ex.
I use "the ugly list" as Toby puts it. LOL. Mine is quite long and is somewhere in a topic on this site, along with a lot of other people's lists. I'll see if I can find it and repost.
The main thing to do is to accept the way things are today, and be in the present moment. Look around at what you can see where you are, listen to what you can hear where you are, and ground yourself by walking barefoot on the ground for a while. That's what happened when you were out on the boat. Try doing it deliberately whenever you think of it. Make a decision to enjoy every moment.
At the same time, it's important not to bury your sadness. If you feel like a really good cry, let the others go off to the movies or somewhere and you have some time alone to reconnect with your reality and let those tears fall until you feel numb. Then you will naturally begin the self-nurturing that will bring you through this.
You are going to be ok. One step at a time.
big hugs and lots of love
kamary
The others are right. I love CGK's star on the calendar--these little tricks may seem like they would work, but believe me, they do!!! I didn't mark a calendar, but every day I made it through without crying or contacting my ex, I would treat myself--usually something simple, but it did help. You will get to a place where you realize how much better you feel.
Sending healing hugs!!!
All I can tell you is.....I'm learning that in my moments of despair, if i cry it out and then try to find something to do that requires my full attention, I get over it faster. That combined with remembering WHY he isn't good for me. I ended up making a list of his good and bad qualities. The visual is really helpful in keeping focused on how we came to this place in our lives. But I get it......This roller coaster up and down emotional thing is exhausting.
This is a long, exhausting journey that stinks. But we can and will survive. Somedays it feels like literally pulling yourself out of quicksand.