Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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yorkieluvr 07/25/2011

Received a very upsetting text from my son this morning. I don't know if I have mentioned it, but he is a very disturbed young man (almost 18), so I am trying to keep all this in perspective. He lives with my stbx (his choice) and we don't communicate much...(also his choice) he knows I don't approve of his "activities" so he keeps his distance. I've tried to keep reminding him that I'm here for him and he has opened up a couple of times, but it doesn't happen often.

Anyway, the text proceeded to tell me that his dad is "replacing him" with his "new family n kids". Now, I really DON'T CARE if the stbx is seeing anyone. I knew he wouldn't wait until the divorce is final. All he cares about is how often can he get laid... yeah, I'm being crude cause now I'm getting MAD. What I DO care about is that he must be parading the new woman and her kids around in front of our son. Son has very low self-esteem anyway, and any attention the stbx pays to anyone else could possibly be getting blown way out of proportion - maybe, maybe not. I have had no contact with the stbx since Memorial Day weekend.

What upsets me is the tone of the whole text...that motherly intuition is kicking up into high gear....I tried to call him, but he's not answering now. I will keep trying. I know he probably feels I abandoned him by leaving... but I try to keep the lines of communication open. The circumstances under which I left is not something I can go into detail about, but suffice it to say, it was my last and only option. I have never once put his dad down, talked bad about him in any way - although I can tell by some of the things my son has said, that I'm not getting the same respect - but whatever - this isn't about me right now - it's about my kid.

All this just SUCKS.............

Misred 07/25/2011

It does suck and I can relate to your son's position of wanting approval from his father. I wish I had some ideas for you. Are you at least in the postion to start picking your son up to take him out for a meal or movie? Just spend some time together. Boys are different from girls in that you have to be doing some sort of activity before they talk about stuff and even then it might be bits and pieces. You wrote that you don't bad mouth the EX. I think that can play into your favor as far as having your son open up to you. There is some danger with being a sounding board for him though. You may get to hear stuff you wish you didn't have rolling around in your head when your trying to sleep. (((HUGS)))

CowgirlKathi 07/25/2011

Yes it does suck, but it is what it is.
I would recommend that you text or leave a voice mail message for your son assuring him of your love and (if this is possible) that he can move in with you if the situation with his dad is intolerable. YOu say he has some issues and believe me, even older children can be deeply affected by divorce so you need to let him know that you are there for him.
Other than that, I can't offer much -- know that I am holding you in thought and prayer.

goodgirlgonebad 07/25/2011

When your babies are hurting... you're hurting. Keep trying to reach out to him Momma Yorkie!!! (((HUGS)))

disneymom65 07/25/2011

IT DOES SUCK I HEAR YA!!!! The most you can do is let him know you are always there for him if he needs you. My daughter Shelby is 19 and I know that she has some issues that she needs to work out with her father. She pissed off alot and I tell her she can scream at me if that is what she needs to do to get throught it. But I know she is not angry at me i'm just the only parent that is there for her. Be strong for your son and keep reassuring him that you LOVE HIM REGUARDLESS.

deleted_user 07/25/2011

A mom will always be a mom no matter what.:)
((hugs))

JaMama 07/26/2011

Hang in there. It is rough to see our children hurting.

Your son is fortunate to have a caring mom.

(((HUGS)))

deleted_user 07/26/2011

Good for you for taking the high road. It must be so hard to hear that from your son, b/c he does nto need to be deealing with those thoughts - hopefully he will choose to live with you again soon, but at least he has the option for when he needs it.

deleted_user 07/26/2011

My daughter (21) felt the same way. My H moved his whore in just days after he kicked me out. After several months he brought her son into the house. For a week end. Daughter called soooo upset. She said the same thing your Son said. I told her that her dad was not replacing her. Likely he didn't even want her kid around. But I was sure the courts said otherwise. So now he has to deal.
No matter the age. The kids are still effected. Poor things.
Hope you can get some healing for him going on.
((hugs))

deleted_user 07/26/2011

This is a little different but my husband has been involved with a woman he met at AA, thinks them both being drunks makes them soulmates. At any rate, she too was married & has 1 child a 16 year old boy with Adhd & other emotional problems. She is a school teacher in one of the wealthiest school systems in Michigan, yet he is also failing in school. She never even introduced her son to my husband & now the kid hates him becasue he broke up his parents marriage. He moved in with her & she kiced her son out on a school night so he could move in ASAP (where's the fire?)he was left to roam the streets until he could reach his dad to come get him. The city police & the Child Protective Agency were all involved, she almost went to jail (darn). The poor kid knows his mom chose her drunken, epileptic boyfriend over him. Sad world, if I had been blessed with a child he would be my world, not thrown into the streets.

dairytech 07/26/2011

You used the words...he's a very disturbed young man...I can only assume from that statement that he has psychological, emotional issues or perhaps substance abuse issues. Divorce can put young adults with these problems into irrational and unpredictable behaviour. There world being turned upside down can effect them in a stronger and more pronounced way. If you are concerned perhaps some professional help may be needed. I cant offer much more advise than whats already been given but I also think your situation is unique and perhaps a bit more involved. It dosnt sound like him moving in with you is an option. You could seek professional help for yourself in dealing with your sons particular problem...sometimes you can gain some helpful insights in how to deal with it...something you may not have thought of on your own.

Good luck with this yorkie...I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Its so hard as a parent to sit and watch all the havoc divorce causes to our families. My Heart goes out to you.. Big Hugs...Kathy

KRKing911 07/26/2011

Yorkie - You his mom, of course motherly instincts are going to kick in. Divorce is very hard on the kids. I agree with Misred, boys are different and will most likely open up while doing some sort of activity. Also, maybe he could come live with you - based on what he said about being replaced, he might even welcome the idea. This is very, very hard and I'm sorry that you are going through this. Big Hugs...

yorkieluvr 07/26/2011

Thanks everyone... I did leave him a voice mail and sent a text.. he has not responded, but I make a point to make contact with him even if he does not respond.

Dairy(Kathy) - you are dead on.. yes to all of the above...unfortunately...

yorkieluvr 07/26/2011

Well.. how rude of my fingers to hit enter (twice apparantly) before I was done talking.. lol

Living with me is not an option... for many reasons... mainly my own personal safety...besides that, he knows I would not tolerate his activities like his dad does. I wanted to take him to counseling.. but of course he won't go. And his dad stuck his head in the sand and pretended nothing is wrong.

A friend of mine told me that all I can do now is give him back to God and hope he doesn't end up dead. Yeah, he's a screw up, but he's still my kid..... I can only hope that one day he wakes up and figures out he needs to go in a different direction.

I guess what upsets me the most is that his dad apparantly does not respect my son enough to keep his whore and her kids out of my former residence (and he wants me to pay half the house payment?? I don't think so) ... as I said, I do not care what HE does, but I do care about my son's feelings. It's like watching the proverbial train wreck coming at me.

Thanks again everyone for your words of encouragement. It's such a shame that so many of you can relate to this... I wouldn't wish this on anybody... even my stbx's new ...whatever she is...

deleted_user 07/27/2011

I wondered about that, too, dairytech! I can only say that I empathize with you, yorkie. I know that your child is your heart, above the ex and all the bs. This is devasting to you that he made the choices he did. I don't know what to say to comfort you that no one here has said, but you might keep a journal to him and write in it every day. Some day, you can give it to him. It will be a physical proof that you were thinking of him. He may learn more about you, too, by reading it some day as he matures. Since I don't know the nature of what "disturbed" is, then....I can only speculate. In the meantime, each day is a new day...the past is further behind you and you are that much closer to clarity if that is what you are seeking. So glad you don't have to deal with living with your ex. It did cross my mind that he got ahold of your son's phone, but only you would know if that were possible. Hugs

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